So on the Juice

My major league baseball debut has to be imminent. On day three of juicing like a gym rat, my right arm is pretty huge. Of course it’s actually just swollen a little and my skin is so screwed up it feels like it’s pulled tight. Poison Ivy, you know? There are a couple of spots where the rash is actually leaking a little. How gross is that? Whatever, I am huge like Barry Bonds now. Get ready for some seriously long home runs. That garage across the street from Fenway Park is in big trouble.

The Red Sox are playing right now. When the radio broadcast came back from commercials for the bottom of the third inning, the bumper music was Rush – 2112. Sure, we’re losing 2-0 in the third, but Rush will pull us out of it. Sure it’s probably going to be our 10th consecutive loss, but we’ve got Rush.

As I was tying the words, “losing 2-0”, Rafael Devers hit a two run home run to tie the game. Okay. Someone is listening to me. Sure, I’m not going to hit a 500 million dollar lottery…..




Oh well. four hours and 45 minutes until I can juice again.

I Am Barry Bonds… Or I Will Be Shortly

Poison Ivy… like… what the hell, dude. It’s a global freakin’ pandemic and you stumble on some Poison flippin’ Ivy and smear it all over yourself like some kind of low IQ lab rat? Could you be any dumber? You were a Boy Scout for crying out loud, you should know better.

Jen bought some over the counter anti-itch spray. It’s helping a little, but I think I put it on a little too heavy. It got into my nose and into my throat and it’s icky. Ugh, if icky is the price of less itchy, then I think I can live.

There may be an upside to all of this though. As I mentioned in my random post yesterday, the Boston Red Sox are monumentally bad. Just… atrociously bad. Seemingly unrelated, but maybe very much related, the doc at the urgent care sent me home with a prescription to fight the Poison Ivy I was dumb enough to rub all over myself. The prescription is for a steroid cream. Isn’t that what Barry Bonds used? The Clear and The Cream?

Could it be? Could it be that I am going to take the same thing Barry Bonds took (no, it’s not) when he cheated his way to the title of Major League Baseball Home Run King? Do you think that the Boston Red Sox might be calling me soon? I used to pitch in youth baseball when I was like 14 and I can’t be any worse than the pitchers they are getting slaughtered with now, right? Steroids worked for Roger Clemens. I mean, yeah his skill level without the steroids was higher than mine (a little) to begin with, but if I take steroids too…. I could win 20 games AND hit 40 home runs for them.

Give me a minute to goop this stuff on and then give me a call, Red Sox!

Happy Red Sox Opening Day

I’m sitting at my desk at work, eating lunch.  Patiently I wait for 2:05 PM Eastern Daylight Savings Time for that is the scheduled start time of the Boston Red Sox 2017 season opener.

My bologna sandwich is good, but the first win on the road to another world series championship for the Sox would be better.

We start the season at home this year which, given the fact we had a nor’easter two days ago, seems risky.  It’s supposed to be a nice day though so we have that going for us.  The reining Cy Young Award winner Rick Porcello is our opening day starting pitcher.  Last year I jokingly referred to him as Cy Young Porcello when he won his first game.  Much to my surprise he just kept winning which kinda made me feel like I called it… even though I was trying to make fun of him after his crappy 2015 season.  Sorry about that, Rick.

Opening day is an interleague game.  I find that a little annoying.  I never liked interleague play.  It was a gimmick before and now it’s making me feel like a grumpy old man.  Hey Pittsburgh Pirates!  Get off my Fenway lawn!  I’m hoping that the work stars will align to let me listen to the game on the radio.  I don’t know.  It’s been busy today. Lunch time has been a lull.  That sometimes means that everyone is saving up the hurt for just after lunch.  Does that happen at other companies too? Probably.

Anyway, good luck to my home town team, the Boston Red Sox.  They surprised us all last season by winning their division and making it to the playoffs.  Here’s hoping they can top that this year.

Go Red Sox!

MLB Playoff Predictions — Wrap Up, and a Warning to Cubs Fans

I was 1–1 in the wild card round.
I was 2–2 in the division round.
I was 1–1 in the league championship round.

Do you all know that I once played in a band called Break Even? Fitting, huh?

Whether or not I finish the post season with a winning prediction record all came down to the World Series. I really wanted Cleveland to win, but I didn’t really think they would. So I picked Chicago to win, using my head instead of my heart. I was right. I’m happy that I picked the winner, but I’m sad that I picked the winner.

I think there might be a screw loose in this brain of mine.

So I finish with a win-loss record of 5–4, for a 55.6 percentage. I usually do much better than that with my post season predictions, but the Red Sox got swept in the division round, so who really gives a rats ass?

Now we’re all in wait-till-next year mode while the damn Cubs drink themselves into a months long stupor to celebrate their ending of their futility streak.

I have some bad news for Cubs fans, from the perspective of a Red Sox fan.

The Red Sox won the World Series in 1918, beating the Cubs in fact. They went down the tubes in the years that followed before getting back in 1946. They lost in seven games. Again, they went down the tubes for a while before returning in 1967 where they lost in seven games again. They were competitive more often than not after that, but they lost in seven games again in 1975 and 1986. There were also crushing non-World Series defeats in 1978 and 2003, as well as a bunch of post season appearances where they were good but not really good enough.

So many times they were so close. We called ourselves the Fellowship of the Miserable. Some frizzy haired sports columnist said we were cursed and the whole rest of the country jumped on that stupid wagon. We were always good but never good enough. It defined us. Pain and suffering bonded us together as a community of loser fans. It was awful, but it was our thing.

Then in 2004 the Red Sox finally broke through and won the World Series. It was magical. It was so exciting. I had about 300 heart attacks that October but it was worth every second. Our team won it all, after 86 years they had finally won it all. It was the greatest feeling ever. And then…

We all went to work the next day and it was business as usual. Wait a tick, that’s not how it was supposed to be. The world was supposed to change, wasn’t it? We were supposed to be able to bathe in the glory of victory. There was supposed to be a fundamental difference to who we were as a community.

But there wasn’t. Until a few months later when there was.

The celebration carried through the Winter, all the way to the next Spring. At the home opener we raised the banner and got to feel all the feels again. It was wonderful and then it was over.

Our baseball team’s futility was what held us together as a people. It was the glue that bonded our little loser community together. Once they were no longer losers, then we no longer had a community. The bond went away and it has never come back. There are still people who live and die with the Red Sox like there were before, but the massively overwhelming number of die hard fans has morphed into a new community of casual fans who follow the team but really don’t care one way or the other. The Red Sox are no longer THE thing in Boston, they are just A thing. The Patriots, Bruins, and Celtics have all won championships recently too and similar, though smaller scale, changes have happened to their die hards too.

So what I want you to know, Cubs fans, is that this is going to happen to you too. It won’t be the same, but it will be similar. I don’t think the Cubs fanatics were ever as bad as Red Sox fanatics like me. The Cubs stretch of futility was longer than ours, but the sources of pain and suffering — the snatching defeat from the jaws of victory — weren’t really there the way they were for Boston fans so maybe there isn’t as strong a community to break up, but what you have is going to be marginalized.

Enjoy your parade, Cubs fans. You’re the champs and you deserve to celebrate. Go out there and party like it’s 1999. Next April, raise that banner and celebrate all over again. Then be ready. Losing made our teams special in a weird, ridiculous way. Now you, like us before you, are no longer special. It’s awesome… but it also kinda sucks.

Red Sox Post Mortem

It’s over.

David Ortiz has retired.

Damn, that sucks.

The Red Sox should have been able to beat the Indians. They are down their number two and three starters and the Red Sox had one of the best offenses in the league this year.

What happened?

The Red Sox starting pitching blew. They sucked like you’ve heard about. Porcello and Price both. Game three’s starter was Clay Effin’ Buchholz, arguably the most pathetic starting pitcher in Red Sox history. Never before has a pitcher had such fantastic skill and yet sucked so bad. Starting the Clay in game three was akin to a forfeit. When the Sox yanked him in the fourth they brought in Drew Pomeranz, the second most pathetic starter on the team. Game, series, season, and David Ortiz’s career over.

On top of the pathetic starting pitching, the electric Red Sox offense never arrived. The team that scored 100000000000 runs this year just couldn’t hit to save it’s life. Literally, the season is over because they couldn’t hit.

It’s over now. The Bruins season opener is Thursday.

Go Bruins.

David Price

After listening to David Price give up six runs to the Dodgers in less than five innings I started to wonder…

Has anyone figured out how much money he’s been paid per run allowed this year? Yes he’s making Fort Knox this year, but he’s given up a shit ton of runs.

What a colossal disappointment he has been.

Oh Yeah, the Red Sox

You know something? I pretty much forgot about the Red Sox. That other Boston team’s run to blowing the Stanley Cup first occupied all of my sports watching time and energy, and then after the choke I was too depressed to enjoy any athletic event other than watching tiny birds.

The all-star break is over. Yay. Goodbye to the dumbest scrimmage game of the year. But as the second half of the season kicks off tonight, the Red Sox find themselves in first place in the American League East with the highest winning percentage in all of the American League, and the most wins in the majors. So this is what happens when schmucko the clown gets the sack? Works for me.

As of this moment, I officially dedicate myself to paying a lot more attention to my home town team. It starts with a series against the fourth place (4th place) New York Yankees at Fenway tonight. Nothing would be sweeter than kicking off the second half of the season with a hearty sweep of the Yankees. That would please my baseball fan self to no end.

Go Red Sox!

Red Sox Domination

You have to understand Red Sox fans. We are a hyper manic depressive lot. When the Sox win a game, any game, we are on top of the world. When they lose a game, any game, we are lining up to jump off the Tobin Bridge.

When they follow up a last place finish by opening the new season at Yankee Stadium, we as a collective group spent most of March sharpening our razor blades.

But then…

The Red Sox have won the first two games of the season handily against the Evil Empire! There is dancing in the streets in Boston. There are people wandering around in a daze, randomly hugging people and screaming, “Sox rule!”

Two games down, 160 to go, and it’s a great time to be a Red Sox fan!

(Let us have this… We need it after the last two seasons’ fiascos. Just let us have this while we can)