I haven’t started freaking out yet, but I expect I will shortly. Or maybe not. I don’t know.
My for really reals first weight loss surgery appointment is tomorrow morning. I took the first half of the day off so that I can freak out, go to the Zoom meeting, and then cry and freak out again. Like, my whole morning is scheduled.
Then again, maybe the fact that I haven’t freaked out yet is a sign that I am for really reals ready to do this. It’s going to suck, and it’s going to suck for months and months, but as far as my health is concerned it’s the right thing to do, right? Right.
I don’t know what to expect. It’s safe to assume I will have a million questions and when the Doc asks me if I have any questions I will completely blank out and not be able to think of anything. Safe bet that prediction is going to come true. We’ll see tomorrow though.
Yesterday was Monday and somehow I was feeling optimistic about the state of the universe. Today is Tuesday and… sigh. Something about tomorrow being the start of December is messing me up today. I’m not sure exactly why, but it’s probably Covid-19 and holiday related. We’re not getting a normal Christmas for the second year in a row, which implies that our Covid Christmas is actually now the normal. Shit.
I had three projects to do at work in less than two weeks. I picked off one of them yesterday and was feeling pretty good about the state of things. Now, simply because it’s the next day, I am feeling a little defeatist about the remaining two. Why? Where is my rational brain hiding? Come out and play, brain. Pretty please?
I took the barrels out to the street this morning. The barrels are full to bursting, partly with Thanksgiving detritus, but they’ve spent the whole week in the new little shed thing so the squirrels weren’t able to get at them. 10 minutes after I took the barrels to the street I looked out the window and saw a squirrel sitting on the barrel snacking on some stuff. Sigh.
Okay. Time to punch in to work. Here’s hoping the state of the universe improves a little. Fingers crossed, folks.
For the last few months, going to work has often seemed like a break from all the rest of the stuff going on in the world. That is kind of the opposite of normal, right? Being away from work is supposed to be the more enjoyable part of your day.
Welp, we’re officially back to normal! Oh, the crazy stress right now. My head is spinning! WHEEEEEEEEE!
Jen just made an appointment with a plumber to come and look at the source of lake asshole. They are coming for the first look tomorrow. Oh happiness! I am so looking forward to a day when I can go into the cellar without getting my feet wet. That’s going to be a good day.
So much music work to do. So little time. When am I going to finish all this stuff off? When, oh when?
I don’t know what to write about today. It’s Labor day, so have a good one.
Clean up in the cellar has been taken care of for now. All of Harry’s left over laundry is done, though I still need to put his sheets back onto his bed. There is a mountain of laundry in Bellana’s room that I’ll probably start today. I set up a new music nook for quarantine in the cellar last night and am hoping I’ll get a chance to use it today. Maybe.
No cookouts for me today. Just isolation and stress and work and guilt and the usual. It’s hard to explain what is going through my head at this point. I am sad about how my mother is handling the change (did I ever post what the change was? I’ll get to it), I am guilty because I am not there to help, I am pissed off because I have to isolate for Covid (even though I’m positive this whole thing is an overreaction, even if the overreaction is still the smart move) and I don’t get to hug my wife, and I am filled with relief that my parents are finally in a place where they can get the help and care that they need rather than have my idiot ass pretending like I know what I am doing.
I don’t know.
Here’s the Covid music nook:
Hopefully I won’t have to use it long and can go back to the bedroom. I haven’t received a call from the urgent care place telling me I have a positive result so that’s good. I have an appointment for another test on Wednesday. If that comes back negative then it’s back to reality for me. I know it will because I was barely exposed and people who had much closer exposure are all testing negative. Whatever, isolating is the right thing to do, I just want it to be over.
I want isolation to be over, I want Covid to be over. I want my parents’ difficulties to be over. I want being guilty to be over. I want to be able to get a good night’s sleep again. I want to be able to work without having to think about all of this other stuff. I want my wife to not have to worry about me. I want my kids to not have to worry about anything except their educations. I want my band to get back together.
Call me selfish, but I just want normal back.
Shit. I had nothing to write about when I started and then I turned it into another downer. Sorry about that. Next time I post I’ll try to include some jokes or something.
I’ll probably write up the events of the last three days at some point. Maybe later today.
I just wanted to take a second to mention this one tidbit. Over the last few months there have been a bunch of times when I wrote something along the lines of, I am going to start screaming and when I start I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop. You all ‘member that? Yeah, I ‘member!*
Well you’ll be pleased to know that there did in fact come a time when I did in fact start to scream. It was yesterday afternoon while sitting in the car. Fortunately I was able to stop.
Today is likely to be a little emotional. Tomorrow is going to be much more emotional. After that, it’s all down hill for a while.
Today is our last full day with Harry. Tomorrow we move him into his dorm.
Yeah… Robbie, your humble narrator, (who is already an emotional wreck for parental reasons) is going to be even more of an emotional wreck than usual.
Nothing bad really happened on last night’s parent sitting shift. My mother had pain issues but she eventually went to sleep and slept through the night. My father was fine.
It’s ramping up now though. It’s 8:21am and they both are having problems and I can already tell it’s going to be a colossally shitty day. The home health worker gets here around 9:00, and I am coming back to work after two days off.
So far the only issues have mostly revolved around one parent taking too long in the bathroom which causes problems for the other parent. Happy morning, everyone. My sister is supposed to be coming with a delivery at some point today. My schedule looks clear in the afternoon so hopefully work stays quiet enough to let that go smoothly.
My general mindset right now is the same as it is pretty much every second I spend here. I feel like I am going to start screaming, and when I start I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop.
It’s 3:00pm here in the Tewksbury at the parent sitting shift. I’m tired. I got a decent night’s sleep last night but I’m tired. I’m trying to keep my brain occupied. I did a little music, I watched an Orville, I have done a couple of chores, I’ve written slightly more than one blog post, I read my wife’s latest blog post. It’s not working for me today. I just want to go home.
The home health care professional who is on duty today is trying to push my parents into being a little more active. She tried to get them to watch a movie together, with a small amount of temporary success, she’s trying to get my mother to go through the stacks of shit they have hoarded in the living room, she’s trying to get them to eat better, and she even asked them if they have any board games they’d like to play. The word you’re looking for here is heroic, even if they haven’t bitten at any of the bait.
Part of me is feeling overwhelmed by all of this. Part of me just feels like sitting back and letting it all crash down. Like… not indifferent, just no longer willing to try. No, that’s not right… not unwilling to try, more like… no longer wanting to care. I just want it over. I know that if I start thinking about a life after parent sitting then something will go wrong and we’ll reboot and be right back at square one again and I can’t deal with that. That wouldn’t feel overwhelming, that would feel like a catastrophic collapse of all brain function.
I miss my wife so much my heart hurts. It hasn’t been 24 hours since I left home last night but it feels like decades. I just miss her so much. Maybe I’ll grab myself a pile of hoarded shit and just take it outside and dump it in the garbage. I wonder, would that feel good or would it be heartbreaking? I can’t even venture a guess anymore.
Okay, I have about three hours left. I think I need to occupy myself with something non-computer related. Maybe that will make the three hours fly by. Doubtful. We’ll see.
Things are still quiet here. All is pretty much well. Did I just jinx it? I seem to be doing that a lot these days.
I filled the pill caddies today for both of my parents. That is a job for whoever (whomever?) is here on Saturday morning. It stresses me out, but today was the first time I had to do my father’s pills and I was trying to use an outdated meds list. Nothing in the pill case matched what was on the list, and nothing on the list matched the case. The list I was looking at was from late 2020 and he did spend six months in and out of the hospital in 2021 so I couldn’t say for sure it was up to date. My sister straightened me out. There was a new list. I was all set from there.
Seeing as tomorrow there is a risk of us getting spanked by an actual hurricane, we thought it wise to get the grocery order in today rather than wait for tomorrow. I thought that my mother wrote the grocery list and it just got forwarded on to me and then Jen used her super deluxe instacart account to place the order. I’m still 99% sure that’s how it worked, but when I asked my mother for a list today she got really nervous about it. She was happy to do it, but kept asking me to double check her work. I guess she doesn’t generally do it alone? Or she just forgot that she does it alone? She put a couple of things on the order that she probably didn’t need, and left a couple of things off that would probably be good to get, and she put one thing on the order that she’s not allowed to eat. I called her on it and she said it wasn’t for her, it was for everyone else. Riiiiiight.
Only one memory issue today, and it was a common one. Mom mentioned that someone was having a birthday this week. I said it was my baby brother. She asked how he was my baby brother. I said I was six years older than he was so he’s the baby. Then she asked who our parents were. Did we have the same parents? Yes, you and dad. She asked if she gave birth to us. Yup. We’ve gone over this quite a bit over the last four months. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s sort of normal.
On my home front, my beloved bride told me she woke up with a bad headache today. I was I could be there to help her out. I hate that I am not there for her. I really hate it.
Just keep focusing on home, Robert. Something like 6-7 hours before the next shift starts and you can go home. Just hang in there.
Inside the Red Head's Head 