Catching Up

One hour of bad sleep on Saturday and six hours of bad sleep on Sunday. Yeah… it’s catching up with me. I am one sleepy red head right now.

15 minutes to go until I log out of my work computer. I’ve been logged in since about 4:00pm on Saturday and it’s 5:16pm on Monday. Well… I was out for a bit as I rebooted once this morning. I figured the lappy needed it after all the work I made it do this weekend. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

I took tomorrow off to recover from the weekend. What should I do? Besides sleeping of course. Well there was mystery*… no, that’s not right. How about well there is music. I need to do car music. I have eight songs that need singing. Actually, I have 11 songs that need singing. I added two new song ideas to the list yesterday in a very not successful attempt to calm my ass down. There is also one little music memo thing that I added to the song list but it’s not very good so I will probably drop it. So…. eight songs ready for vocal tracks, two songs that still need to have their vocal parts written. Maybe car music in the morning and then more car music in the afternoon? Is that possible?

What else? Well there’s my desk. I have made the (likely temporary) decision to keep my work day desk setup in Harry’s room, but move my MacBook back to the desk in our bedroom. I like it better in our bedroom, but I have also found I really like working elsewhere. It was starting to feel like I never left that room. Now I will definitely be leaving it for 8.5 hours a day, five days per week.

Okay, work time is up. Time to go cook dinner for my love.

*There is a song by Bill Bruford’s fusion band, aptly called Bruford, called Fainting in Coils. It opens up with a quote from Alice and Wonderland where Dr Bruford reads the passage with his voice sent through a harmonizer and lowered an octave or so. There’s some other sauce on there too. Someone else reads some narration and then the good doctor’s voice comes in louder and right up in your face and the first thing he says is, “well, there was mystery.” In my massively sleep deprived state, that’s what I was thinking of as I was typing that paragraph. There. You’re in the know now.**

**Am I the only doofus who puts footnotes into meaningless blog posts? Yeah, I thought so too.

Oh, the Crazy

For the last few months, going to work has often seemed like a break from all the rest of the stuff going on in the world. That is kind of the opposite of normal, right? Being away from work is supposed to be the more enjoyable part of your day.

Welp, we’re officially back to normal! Oh, the crazy stress right now. My head is spinning! WHEEEEEEEEE!

Jen just made an appointment with a plumber to come and look at the source of lake asshole. They are coming for the first look tomorrow. Oh happiness! I am so looking forward to a day when I can go into the cellar without getting my feet wet. That’s going to be a good day.

So much music work to do. So little time. When am I going to finish all this stuff off? When, oh when?

Was I Wrong?

This whole time I thought that getting them into a safe place where they can get the care they need 24/7 would make me feel better. I don’t know if it’s some sort of adjustment period that I didn’t factor into the equation, but I really don’t feel better today.

Maybe it would feel different if we hadn’t hit the snags we hit yesterday. I knew my parents would need time to adjust to their new normal but I didn’t expect I’d need so much time too.

It’s only day two. I doubt day three will be better. Maybe day four?


I’ll probably write up the events of the last three days at some point. Maybe later today.

I just wanted to take a second to mention this one tidbit. Over the last few months there have been a bunch of times when I wrote something along the lines of, I am going to start screaming and when I start I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop. You all ‘member that? Yeah, I ‘member!*

Well you’ll be pleased to know that there did in fact come a time when I did in fact start to scream. It was yesterday afternoon while sitting in the car. Fortunately I was able to stop.

So… win. Yay for me.

*Thats a South Park joke. FYI.

Home for Now

Another chapter in the never ending story comes to a close and I go home again. I was 36 when I moved out of that house (April 2008) and lets say for the last 10-11 years I was miserable pretty much every second I was there. Then after my mother’s cancer I was there to watch her every other Friday for… what was it… eight more years? Now for the last five months it’s been 24 out of every 72 hours, approximately. I honestly can’t put into words how much just being in the house hurts me. That’s not even considering my parents’ health situations, which by themselves are soul crushing. Just being in that house makes me miserable.

I’m going back tomorrow night because why not just destroy my soul while I have the chance, right? I know it’s the right thing to do, and I know I have to do it and I know and I know and I know. Being the right thing doesn’t change the fact that the house itself is my personal hell.

The overnights should be ending soon. Unless the universe is fucking with us, hard… and I am not willing to discount that as a possibility, it should be ending soon.

Not soon enough.

…and I go back tomorrow night.

Sad Sigh

My parents celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary this week. We made as big a deal as we could, given the circumstances. My sister brought my mother to the rehab hospital to visit my father and they were both over the moon happy.

My parents were on the phone with each other a few minutes ago. I overheard her ask him how long have they been married. She sounded surprised when he answered. Then she asked how much older she is than him.

Then she asked me if he was my father for the second time today and the third time since I got here last night.

I can’t take much more of this.

11 Days

It has been 11 days since I played the guitar. That’s a week and a half or so.

The desperation is intensifying. I need to get some playing in this weekend. I don’t know if I’ll be able to, but I feel like I have to find a way.

My mental state demands it. My playing chops demand it too, but it’s more impressive to mention how it’s important to me not going crazy and stuff.

I need to play the guitar! I also need a shave, badly, but that’s not what this post is talking about. I need to play the guitar!

Weekend Project Interlude

We’re getting a bit of a later start today. Jen has already done some rearranging in the kitchen and the office. I haven’t.

Four days in a row I’ve woken up in the morning and the first thought in my head was if I don’t shave this fur coat off of my face today I am going to go insane. Four days in a row I failed to shave the fur coat off of my face. I mean, I had more hair on my face than the cat. It was long enough to pull and itchy as all hell.

Today is day five. I woke up and said if I don’t shave today I am going to go insane… and then I shaved.

I feel (and probably look) like a different person. My back and my legs are killing me from yesterday, but my face is beard-free.

It’s a good day.

That Song is Stuck in My Head

I’m thinking about keeping track of all the songs that get stuck in my head over the course of a day. Here’s a list of a few recent examples.

The opening theme from Billy on the Street (great show!)
Cause We’ve Ended as Lovers by Jeff Beck
The music from Super Mario Bros. that plays when you get a star and are invincible. 
Billie Jean by Michael Jackson, as interpreted by Lizardfish.

Just to name a few.

I think I might need therapy.

Lots and lots of therapy.