Tag: Mental Health

Trying to Stay Cool

You need to keep your cool, Robert. If you lose your shit every time the first felon does something insane and evil then you are going to spend every waking moment with your shit lost for at least the next four years. That’s not what one would call healthy.

Keep it together, red head. You can do it. You did it the last time. Sure, it’s going to be 100 times worse this time around, especially with the fascist in chief dealing not only with his own personal brand of evil, but with dementia stirring his tiny little pot… yeah, it’s going to be awful. You can do it though. You can hold it together. You can get through this.

There are people who rely on you for stuff. There are people who need you to not come unglued multiple times a day. Just keep your head. Don’t lose your shit.

Nothing

I have nothing to write about. Nothing.

It’s Tuesday morning. I did my exercise but I haven’t done anything else on the morning schedule. I took the trash to the street, but that’s it. I’m sitting at my desk in the cellar watching some film photography youtube posts and getting jealous of people who live in places where the weather in January isn’t ass and they can go outside and take pictures of stuff. I should be setting up my desk for the work day, but no. I’m sitting here typing this even though I have nothing to write about. Dumbass.

How am I supposed to feel about the near future? We’re going on vacation. Me and my wife and my mother in law and my step daughter. It’s going to be awesome. About a week before we leave though, the usa swears in a fascist as president even though he’s a convicted criminal who publicly stated he wanted to be a dictator. What the fuck? I say again, I don’t live in the united states anymore. I live in Massachusetts. Starting Monday there is a clear difference. I am trying very hard to focus on the upcoming trip and not the upcoming end of our society but the closer we get to January 20th the harder it gets to do that.

In news related to the upcoming end of the world as we know it, I am done with meta. Zuckerberg has dropped to his knees and taken the tiny little donald’s tiny little donald into his mouth and I am done with him and everything he touches. I was just starting to feel okay about using facebook again, and I have been using instagram pretty regularly for a while, and of late I was using the shit out of threads, but now? Now that zuckerberg has shown his true colors (which we all knew about already, let’s be honest with ourselves) I am done with everything he touches. Fuck him and fuck his company. Done. I am done with all of them. Unfortunately, I use a couple of his messenger functions to communicate with some of my friends and with my band and if I stop using them 100% I lose those connections. Fuck. Fuck meta. Fuck zuckerberg. Fuck trump. Fuck musk. Fuck fascism.

This is so depressing.

I am trying to revive my last music re-recording project. Quarantine tunes volume eight. I don’t think I can finish it before the RPM Challenge starts in February, but maybe I can pick off a couple of songs and finish them up. I ordered a couple of small cables and a headstock tuner in order to finish putting together the pedal board i want to use for February. QTunes Vol 8 will be the test bed for that board. The verdict after one test so far is that it sounds really good but it’s noisy. I am choosing to blame the cheap daisy chain power supply for the noise, but who knows.

Note: The music talk is another attempt to distract myself from Monday’s upcoming doom.

So… back to a previous topic. If threads is on the no fly list thanks to zuckerberg being a fucking slime, then I guess Bluesky wins the twitter replacement race by default. Everything I post here cross posts there. That’s nice. Images that I add here do not display. What about links? Does this show? Let’s click publish and find out. Safe money is no.

Until later, my fellow depressed friends. For the moment though, let’s start thinking about what song Massachusetts should use as its national anthem, m’kay? Think about it. We’ll talk later.

More Time Off

When we came home from vacation in… June? May? Early June, I think, we immediately planned another trip for the early fall. We were going to go to San Diego for a few days and then go to Los Angeles for a day or so and then come home. Just a massively huge, yet very short trip. We both booked time off from work and then right afterwards cancelled the whole thing in favor of another Florida trip in January.

We kept the vacation time on the books though. We thought maybe we’d go on a short trip somewhere closer to home. New York or the mountains in New Hampshire or something. Then as we got closer and closer to the start of the vacation time we started thinking about cancelling the time off and just waiting for the next big trip after the new year.

Then my father went into the hospital. Then my father passed away. Then we had the wake and the funeral. Now we’re down to one more work day before the start of the time off and there is no more talk of cancelling, despite having taken time off for my father. No. We’re going to have a staycation. We’re going to spend a week flaking on the living room couch watching Star Wars movies (Jen’s idea, not mine, I swear) and just ignoring civilization for a week.

I speak for myself when I say this, but I know Jen feels the same. I am not taking this time off from work because I want it. I am taking it because I need it. Physically and mentally. I need to shut down for a bit. I need to recharge my battery. I need to recover from the last month or so.

I have one work day left. Tomorrow is Friday. After that? One week’s worth of staycation. I am so ready for it. Give it to me, now.

Frustrated

Dude, you need to calm down. I know you’re in a fragile state right now, what with the impending wake and funeral, but you have to relax. You have to stop stressing. You have to stop letting everything get under your skin.

So what if the person sitting behind you in the open concept office space doesn’t have their laptop muted and you can hear the alert every time they get a Google Meet chat message, and so what if that alert is happening 2-3 times a minute all day long.

So what if that other person sitting near you doesn’t have their phone muted and it keeps ringing at 100 decibels and it also has the same ring tone you use on your own phone and every time it rings you simultaneously jump through the ceiling and reach for your own phone to answer the call that isn’t coming to you.

So what if two hours ago you asked someone to move an escalated issue they are looking at to another application, where it clearly belongs, so that management doesn’t start hounding you with questions and requests for updates that you will not be able to give and they ignored you (why?) and now you are both getting hounded by management with questions and requests for updates that you cannot provide because the issue does not belong with you and yet still they haven’t moved the fucking issue to the other application.

So what if the only thing on this Earth that you want to do is leave this fucking office and go work from home but you cannot for at least another three hours.

So what?

Just calm down, you psycho. Calm the frick down.

Screwed Up Routine

I overslept a little. I had a bit of an issue first thing. Nothing major, but it threw off my morning routine enough that I dumped the whole deal down the crapper. Instead of doing my 50 minutes or so of morning exercise I did 30 minutes of guitar playing. Bad for the physical health, but good for the mental health… or something like that.

I still managed to mess up the timing a little so that I had to rush through some of the morning routine things that I didn’t skip. I’m in the office today so there’s a bunch of office-day-prep things that need to happen.

I got in on time though, and I wasn’t planning on having time for much on the musical front today and I ended up with a song’s worth of guitar parts recorded. I’ll take that as a win.

I’m off tomorrow for my dad’s wake, but I have the morning to myself. I might get a hair cut. I will definitely iron a couple of dress shirts. I might play a shit load of guitar. I will definitely do about 50 minutes worth of exercise.

Good News and Bad News

I feel like I’ve been doing this a lot recently. Sharing some information on the ol’ bloggie page without giving any details at all.

I am going to do it again… twice.

I had something on my schedule at work for tomorrow. It happened today instead and it went well. It was good news. It made me a little bit happy. It also took some pressure off of my schedule for tomorrow. Good stuff, indeed.

Then I got some really bad news. I am not sharing specifics, partly because I don’t have any specifics to share. Suffice to say things went down outside of work and outside of my home that are really scary and awful and oh shit I really hope they are not accurate. Bad news that has the potential to become terrible really bad news.

So… yeah… I am the very definition of mixed feelings right now. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going or what.

Happy Tuesday, ya’ll.

Stress

Why is it that missing a day of work makes things 100 times more stressful when you return the next day? I was out Friday and it seems like nothing really happened in my absence, but here we are today and I am stressing out over every tiny detail?

I thought this week would be a normal two-days-in-the-office week but now it’s three. I have three pieces of paperwork that I need to have done by (probably) Thursday. It should be super simple. In fact, there were four pieces of paperwork and I’ve already cranked out one of them. I’m freaking out over the remaining three though. Why? I have time off booked for Monday and Tuesday next week. I thought they were going to be music days, but now will the be spent with dad in the hospital? I don’t know. Maybe. Part of the time at least.

Seriously. Stop freaking out over nothing, Robert. You’ve got this shit covered. You can handle it. Stop stressing. Work is okay. Dad is going to be okay. Calm down and just get it done like you always do.

I think I might just be reacting to being sad that Bellana left for Vermont this morning. No clue when we’re going to see either kid again. I’m guessing that’s the real root of my struggles with this particular Monday.

Over all it’s not a bad day or anything, I am just stressin’ like ya do. May your Mondays be easier on the ol’ stomach, as it were.

Random Thoughts

The last few days have put me into a prolonged, slow burning state of freak out. Fun.

My friend’s father passed away on Monday. My father went into the hospital on Tuesday. No details on either situation will be forthcoming. We just got clobbered by a thunderstorm which, it turns out, was rough enough to knock out the power in the hospital. The backup generators kicked in a second later, but woah.

I am planning to go to the hospital after work tonight. I need to make dinner first but then I’ll go for a quick visit before visiting hours end. Tomorrow morning is the funeral. I’ll go to the hospital afterwards. How’s that for a tough day? The last few days have been bad, but tomorrow… woah.

On less important (re: not important at all) topics, I have one more episode of The Umbrella Academy’s final season to watch. I strongly suspect that once I finish that final episode I will immediately start a rewatch of the entire series from season one episode one. I think that is going to happen.

Earlier today I was looking at Threads (the twitter alternative social network made by the same assholes who make instagram and bookfayce which begs the question why the fuck am I giving this new social network site the time of day) and I posted that musically speaking, today is a Porcupine Tree kinda day (from a mental health standpoint, of course… meaning heavy and complicated and confusing if you’re not paying close attention). TWELVE MINUTES LATER I got a notification that the Porcupine Tree instagram account had been ported to Threads. They haven’t posted anything yet but I guess I should say you’re welcome?

I don’t know what the dad situation is going to be like this weekend but I do know that Bellana, my step daughter, is coming over for a visit. All the bad, scary stuff going on feels a little more bearable when the kids come by. I am really looking forward to seeing how she did at her conference this week. I want all the sciency details.

Speaking of science, from a nutritional standpoint I screwed up yesterday. I spent the whole day at the hospital with Dad and when I left the house I forgot to take my pill case with me. I took my breakfast vitamin pills before I left, and took my lunch vitamin pills when I got home for dinner. I was going to take my dinner vitamin pills before I went to sleep, but I fell asleep earlier than expected and missed that dose. Dummy. Note to self: bring the friggin’ pill case tomorrow. Dumb ass.

What else? Word from the hospital this afternoon is that Dad is starting to show early signs of coming out of whatever was wrong. My fingers and toes and eyes are all firmly crossed. Again, I am not sharing details beyond a small hint of optimism. Enjoy it while you can.

Okay, Robert. Stop stressing and get back to work. You have stuff to do. Do it.

Crummy

I’m feeling kinda blue today. I don’t know why. The weather is ugly today and I am in the office when I’d rather be home and I just don’t feel like today is going to be a good day. Once I am home I am sure my mood will turn around.

Part of me thinks that maybe I feel low because the summer is flying by and we are missing out on what it has to offer. I don’t think that’s true. The summer has been good so far. Lots of cookouts, lots of kid visit time. What more could we ask for? That can’t be it. No, I think I just needed to be at home on a sunny day today and neither is the case.

Blah.

Here’s today’s photo a day pic. It’s the same guitar again because I don’t have time or energy to think of anything else. If I get a chance to play some before work tomorrow I am going to use a different guitar. I think. Maybe. We’ll see.

328/365
328/365

Good(?) Morning

I woke up in a mood today. I don’t know what is bothering me. I feel a sense of doom and gloom. Am I suddenly psychic (Robert pauses the narrative to let anyone reading along finish laughing hysterically) and something is on the horizon?

Nope. Just in another bitchy mood. I didn’t get enough sleep last night and it shows. I have a small project at work that is hanging over me like a dark cloud. It’s not a big deal, I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. Crud, right?

The traffic was crappy this morning, but it was the normal level of crappy, not some extra thick level of crappy or anything. I don’t know.

Hey, did you watch the season finale of The Acolyte last night? It was good. I liked it. I liked the whole season though I will quickly admit that the action heavy episodes were by far the best of the bunch. No spoilers, but that scene last night where you actually see the light saber do that thing that light sabers are supposed to be able to do? You know, the thing that we never saw Anakin or Dooku or Maul or Palpatine actually do even though we all saw the end result? Hint Hint Sithy Hint? Awesome.

That should be putting me in a good mood, right? Star Wars is like my own personal dopamine fix. Nope. I was all smiles watching it last night, but today? Grumpy gus. Or should I call myself Darth Grumpy Gus? Does that work better?

No guitar playing today. Maybe before work tomorrow. I did use a guitar for today’s photo a day picture. I think the next time I play I am going to use a different guitar. I haven’t played my Gibson SG in ages and it’s kind of calling to me. My wife thinks that guitar looks cool so that alone should be incentive to play it more often, don’t you think?

Okay. Cheer up, everyone. It’s hump day or some shit. For my personal work week, once I get through the day in the office today, I am working from home for the rest of the week. That should cheer me up, right? Ugh.

321/365
321/365