Tag: health

Calming Down

I don’t know if I was over reacting a little this morning, or if I’ve just been so busy at work since then that I lost perspective, but things have calmed down quite a bit today. They both took naps (I’m jealous) and the sense of impending doom I felt earlier is gone. That’s good, right?

I was expecting Bellana to drive back to Vermont today but instead she made a salon appointment and planned to spend the day in Boston (I’m jealous). That means she’s going to be at our house when I get home tonight. Actually, I might get home first, but whatever. She’s going to join us for Marvel and Burgers night. What If…? Season one episode three. It should be fun.

During the earlier days of the Covid-19 pandemic, someone bought my parents a digital picture frame that can be loaded remotely via an app. We all added tons of pictures to it and it’s been running around the clock* ever since. Today I had to go out to the porch for something and I saw a couple of old pictures on the window sill, hidden by 100 years of stuff. One had a picture of my mother’s mother. The other had a picture of my father’s mother, and a picture of my father’s brother. I thought I would scan them and add them to the picture frame. I had to dig through a pile of stuff, it felt like Harry Potter in the last movie robbing the LeStrange vault, but I was able to grab them. I was surprised to find two more pictures hidden behind my father’s mother. One had a picture of one of my father’s aunts and one of his uncles, and the other was a picture of another aunt.

I scanned them all with my iPhone and added them to the picture frame. I’m still waiting for one of them to pop up, and for my parents to notice. That might actually take a couple of days as there is a little league world series game on and one of the teams is from New Hampshire. Suffice to say, distracted.

*It doesn’t exactly run around the clock. When the ambient light level drops below a certain level the unit shuts itself off. Outside of that it’s been running around the clock.

It is Ramping Up Now

Nothing bad really happened on last night’s parent sitting shift. My mother had pain issues but she eventually went to sleep and slept through the night. My father was fine.

It’s ramping up now though. It’s 8:21am and they both are having problems and I can already tell it’s going to be a colossally shitty day. The home health worker gets here around 9:00, and I am coming back to work after two days off.

So far the only issues have mostly revolved around one parent taking too long in the bathroom which causes problems for the other parent. Happy morning, everyone. My sister is supposed to be coming with a delivery at some point today. My schedule looks clear in the afternoon so hopefully work stays quiet enough to let that go smoothly.

My general mindset right now is the same as it is pretty much every second I spend here. I feel like I am going to start screaming, and when I start I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop.

Song Number 24 of 50 (I Hope)

I mixed three songs tonight. Hot Damn! My brain feels like mush now, so I am going to bed.

My mother was asleep when I checked on her a minute ago, but she was still up. Explain? Okay. She’s sitting up on the edge of her bed, slumped over to one side asleep. I woke her up and told her she should lie down. She said she will and then went back to sleep without moving. Her back is going to be searing agony tomorrow. It’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes, except you can usually get pissed off when people act like that. I can’t get pissed off now. I don’t think she can actually process that she’s doing anything that will have a negative consequence.

It’s pretty friggin’ frustrating.

Song Number 23 of 50 (I hope)

I’m on a bit of a mixing roll right now. Only partly because my mother is having a rough night. She had all of her discretionary meds. If she doesn’t fall asleep soon I don’t know what we’re going to do. It’s quiet in her bedroom right now, and she hasn’t come a-wandering out in a little while. After I post this I will go check on her.

The song is nothing special, but I kinda like it. The rhythm guitars sounded like crap so I had to EQ them. I always feel like a failure when I have to EQ guitars. I should be a talented enough recording engineer to actually capture my own friggin’ instrument correctly. I’m only being partly sarcastic when I say that, but rest assured I am being sarcastic.

On the up side, my father was flipping back and forth between the Red Sox game (that’s good) and a little league fucking world series game (oh, that is so not good). The little league game is over. Thank the baseball gods for that.

I’m Here

I don’t know why but I’m a total mess tonight, emotionally speaking. We had both kids home for a while today and now I’m here and I just can’t deal. I had a couple of spontaneous balling my eyes out moments before I left home. It had been a couple of weeks since that happened so maybe I was just due. I don’t know. I just know I can’t take much more of this. It’s breaking me.

Here Comes the Pain

It’s getting close to the time I need to leave for my parents for another 24 hour parent sitting shift. Here comes the existential dread. Here comes the anxiety overload. Here comes the pain.

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Good News

We got some news today on the parental health care front. I again refuse to get my hopes up, but if what was discussed today happens, then the situation will likely be close to resolved.

It’s still a couple of weeks away and there are a thousand other things that need to happen first, and I am not going to give any details until after everything is complete, but I need this to end and if what came up today happens, we might be dramatically closer to the end.

Why?

It’s 12:38 am and I’m still awake. Why? Why am I still awake?

I took a vacation day tomorrow because Bellana is coming over. She’s not going to be here until close to noon though, so I technically can sleep super late without screwing anything up. I do want to get some car music in though, so I should get up early.

Examining the potential consequences of still being awake at 12:42 am does not answer the pertinent question of why.

We may never know the answer.

Bummer.

Home

I’m home. I had dinner with my love. It’s quiet. The air conditioner is running.

It just feels so good to be home.

I don’t have to go back until Tuesday night.

Sigh of relief.

I need this to be over. Not just for me and my family, but also for my parents and my brother and his family and my sister and her family. We all need this to be resolved so we can be in a perpetual state of sigh of relief.

Nothing Going Down

It’s 3:00pm here in the Tewksbury at the parent sitting shift. I’m tired. I got a decent night’s sleep last night but I’m tired. I’m trying to keep my brain occupied. I did a little music, I watched an Orville, I have done a couple of chores, I’ve written slightly more than one blog post, I read my wife’s latest blog post. It’s not working for me today. I just want to go home.

The home health care professional who is on duty today is trying to push my parents into being a little more active. She tried to get them to watch a movie together, with a small amount of temporary success, she’s trying to get my mother to go through the stacks of shit they have hoarded in the living room, she’s trying to get them to eat better, and she even asked them if they have any board games they’d like to play. The word you’re looking for here is heroic, even if they haven’t bitten at any of the bait.

Part of me is feeling overwhelmed by all of this. Part of me just feels like sitting back and letting it all crash down. Like… not indifferent, just no longer willing to try. No, that’s not right… not unwilling to try, more like… no longer wanting to care. I just want it over. I know that if I start thinking about a life after parent sitting then something will go wrong and we’ll reboot and be right back at square one again and I can’t deal with that. That wouldn’t feel overwhelming, that would feel like a catastrophic collapse of all brain function.

I miss my wife so much my heart hurts. It hasn’t been 24 hours since I left home last night but it feels like decades. I just miss her so much. Maybe I’ll grab myself a pile of hoarded shit and just take it outside and dump it in the garbage. I wonder, would that feel good or would it be heartbreaking? I can’t even venture a guess anymore.

Okay, I have about three hours left. I think I need to occupy myself with something non-computer related. Maybe that will make the three hours fly by. Doubtful. We’ll see.