Ow, That Really Hurt!

I am just a useless excuse for a living creature. I swear. I just give up.

I’m on my lunch break. I took a bite of food and somehow bit my tongue hard enough to draw blood. Damn it, Robert! It hurts like a mutha. I have two little cuts on the tip of my tongue where two of my teeth sunk in, and in between those two spots is a great big black bruise looking thing.

You suck, Robert. You just suck. Ouch!

Absent Minded Doofus

Once every three days or so I go to my father’s to help him out with a little issue. Nothing major, and I am not going to share details. Suffice to say that the visits require me to bring scissors. You don’t need to know why, but they do.

I am going over to his place on the way home from work today. It’s been on the books all week. I’ve known about it for days and days.

When I left the house this morning I forgot to bring scissors.

You absent minded doofus.

Moron.

There is a drug store right near his place. I will stop and get a pair. That’s not the point though. The point is that I am an idiot.

Q.E.D.

Doing the Right Thing Can Suck

I am scheduled for Jury Duty a week from Monday. May 6th, to be exact. I booked time off from work for the day like a good citizen of The Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Good boy.

Today I came as close to hitting the lottery as I’ll ever come. I got a letter from the state. You always get a letter from the state about a week before Jury Duty. It usually says that you need to call the courthouse you were assigned to the business day before you are schedule to appear and they will tell you if you have to show up or not. That’s not what I got this time. This time the letter just said that they don’t need me and I don’t have to go. Sweet! It’s like a get out of jail free card… or just a get out of jury duty free card. Let’s not mix the metaphorical side of the courtroom bar I would have been sitting on… or whatever. You know what I mean, right? Right.

So I have the day off of work on Monday and I don’t have to do anything to earn it! WOOHOO!

That’s when the guilt started hitting me. Stupid guilt. Two days after my scheduled civic duty is my birthday (53 years old, you geriatric fart) and I took a vacation day that day just because. It’s my special day, or some crap like that. So I… I let the guilt take over. I logged into work and canceled my Jury Duty time off request. Ugh. Why did I do that? Because it was the right thing to do? Ugh… you putz. Just take the free day off. No… I’ll work that day. I might even drive into the office.

Idiot.

Oops

I wonder if our new friend the handyman will be interested in fixing the clothes dryer that I just broke.

I had to move the washer and dryer away from the wall for the wallboard guy. That required disconnecting stuff.

I was barely pulling on the dryer’s exhaust hose and it just ripped in two.

Oops.

Shit.

I am an Idiot and I Want to Kick My Own Ass

I am in the office today. Last night I prepared completely. I packed up my laptop and charger, I packed up my Air Pods Max (which I forgot on one of these recent trips in). I filled up a water bottle. I made my lunch. Lunch was PB&J, a little bag of grapes, and a couple of granola bars. Delicious. I left the lunch bag in the fridge, but had everything else waiting for me on my desk.

You can see where this is going, right?

I am at my desk at work.

My lunch bag is still in the fridge.

Seriously… if I could contort myself in such a way as to do it, I would literally kick my own ass.

Idiot.

Looking like a Snickers bar for lunch for me today.

Absent Minded Putz

I have a notebook I’m using for jotting down everything that comes up at these weight loss appointments.

I’m at the appointment, patiently waiting to meet the doctor.

Where is my notebook? Why it’s sitting on my desk at home. Where else would it be?

I’m such a putz.

Blindness Can Be Funny

I’m kidding. Blindness is not funny. Being a dumbass who wears glasses however can sometimes lead to funny stuff.

This happened while I was at my parents house yesterday and I laughed at myself, but by the time I straightened it all out I wasn’t in a funny mood anymore so I didn’t write about it. I’m at home today and it’s getting funny again. A little. Sort of.

My parents have a bottle of lens cleaner in the bathroom. My glasses were dirty as hell after having balled my eyes out into them for a while the night before. I went into the bathroom, ripped some tissue off the roll, took off my glasses, grabbed the bottle and sprayed the shit out of my lenses. That’s when I smelled it. A nice, fresh, sweet scent that wafted back to me from my glasses, and from the hand holding my glasses. What the hell? I looked at the bottle, but without my glasses I couldn’t read the label. Pretty clearly I grabbed the wrong bottle.

I cleaned the glasses as best I could, put them back on, and through the streaks and the fog and the haze I could see that I did not, in fact, spray my glasses with lens cleaner. Instead I sprayed them with scented body wash, which was in a nearly identical bottle right next to the lens cleaner.

12 pounds of actual lens cleaner later and I could see again. The reason I bring this up now is…

…Man, my glasses are dirty again. Where’s my lens cleaner?