Tag: health

Blah

Not sure what the deal is tonight but I find myself feeling really low. I was fine a couple of hours ago but right now I’m feeling pretty shitty mental healthily speaking.

I can probably blame it on Covid. I can pretty much blame every unhappy feeling on the ‘Rona, but I’m not sure that’s good enough.

Is it the imminent arrival of yet another locked down holiday? Is it work stress? I had a project on my to-do list this morning that I really wanted to get through but I ended up being so busy with other stuff that I spent exactly zero seconds working on it.

Is it the weather? Is it the calendar? I guarantee it’s not the love of my life who is sleeping next to me as I type this useless shit. I do miss the kids, but that feeling is always with me and whatever is bothering me tonight is on top of that.

I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. Or I won’t. Think I’ll listen to some music for a few and then go to sleep.

Appointments

I made two doctors appointments today. One is just a quickie to drop off some paperwork and take some vitals. The other is a zoom meeting.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to write about this… then changed my mind… then changed my mind again… and now I am changing it again. The appointments are to start the process for weight loss surgery. The idea of mutilating my internal organs in the name of health scares the fucking shit out of me (literally?). 20 years of nothing but negative progress in my attempts to get healthier is currently scaring me even more. A lot more. Almost infinitely more. My step kids were six and four years old when I met them for the first time. I missed out on a ton. I don’t want to miss out on any more because I was not able to get my weight down and it caused my heart to explode. Fuck.

So the first appointment is booked and I am freaking out. Also, the first appointment doesn’t happen until mid-January so I am freaking out about that too. Covid-19 forced us to punt on Harry’s high school graduation trip to Disney World last year. The make up date is currently sometime in January 2023. I don’t want to still be in some weakened recovery phase of this process when the trip date comes around. I’d rather delay than screw up scheduling. Granted Omicron is already hinting at a fucked up 2022 to rival the fucked up 2021 and 2020. Fuck. Who knows what’s going to happen.

Anyway… as of right now I think I am going to share my thoughts and experiences on this whole process as they happen, which means you aren’t going to hear a peep for almost two months. I’ll probably change my mind a few dozen times between now and then so you might not get a post about it until it happens. Or, maybe I’ll wait a year after it happens and then just post a selfie of an unrecognizable, healthier me (that is the goal, right?).

Cross your fingers and hang on to your butts, and come along and freak the fuck out with me.

I wrote “fuck” a lot in this post. Oh well.

Rain is a Douche

Our plans to cut down a christmas tree today are about to be washed away. Forecasts call for heavy rain to start at exactly the time we were planning to leave on our tree hunt. Oh good.

Hey, did you hear about the new Covid-19 variant that’s popping up in South Africa and early data (which could still be off) is suggesting it could be 500 times more contagious than the Delta variant? Oh good.

What else… I don’t know. I want to get some guitar playing in today, and pretty much all weekend. We’re looking into a minor thermostat upgrade that hopefully will be entirely wireless. We have a ton of turkey dinner leftovers and the stuffing is calling me, but for some reason I have a craving for toast right now. What’s up with that? I wish the kids didn’t have to leave today. I want them to stay, but I don’t want to hold them back, you know? Just call me Robert the Conflicted Red Head. Sounds like a band name.

A Weird Day So Far

My prediction of this being the slowest work day of the year hasn’t really come true, though there is still half a work day to get through. Lots of customer stuff has come in today. Nothing really involving my application directly, but we’re involved in a sort of tangential way. Lots of questions, lots of updates, lots of discussions. It’s enough to keep the perception of the day moving, and some of it has been a tad annoying, but these are good things compared to staring at the clock and watching it not move.

Two odd health-type things to note for future reference. First, my back hurts. Usually my back pain flares up when I’m moving around or being somewhat active (as active as my gargantuan fat-assed self gets at least) but today it’s pretty much constant. That’s annoying. The second thing is more sporadic, but equally annoying. I sort of feel like my left calf is constantly on the verge of a charlie horse. If I’m walking around and I put my left foot down in just the right way, bang – charlie horse. If I am standing in just the right way, bang – charlie horse. It only lasts a few seconds at most and then I correct whatever I did and it’s gone… but it’s always there. Stupid charlie horse.

As I mentioned in a post last night, I came up with a really simple musical idea to add to the November music thing, now that we’re down to less than a week and still miles away from finishing. Today I came up with another one. Now I just have to wait for my MacBook Pro to get home from that fact finding mission to Guyana. I’m sure everything there is fine and it will be home soon. I hope to spend some quality recording time this weekend.

Okay, folks. We’re half a work day away from a four day weekend. Let’s get to it and get through it and at around 5:30 tonight the sigh of relief you hear will be me.

I Mean it This Time

Okay. It’s been over an hour since I said I was going to bed. I mean it this time. No joke. I’m going to bed. I’m so tired I feel like I might start hallucinating or something.

Stop talking about it and sleep, ya friggin’ clown! Turn off the lights, put down your iPad and go to sleep!

I’m Exhausted

I’m so tired. Holy cow, is Robert tired. I mean, I am just completely out of gas.

The kids went over to their father’s house this afternoon and now I am sad. I’m pretty much as sad today as I was happy the last two days. Ugh. Also, I am exhausted and a little brain fried. Half my staff was out today and our biggest customer let us have it with both barrels. Well… that makes it sound like they were pissed at us. No, they just opened new tickets and escalated them all. Yippee. I think we’re leaving them in a good place tonight though so I am happy. I’m still super tired though.

I don’t feel good. Something I ate last night is disagreeing with me today. No clue what, but something. I’m also so tired that my eyes are super tired and now I’m getting a headache. Have I said yippee yet? Yippee.

13 minutes until I am clear to punch out for the day. I am going to make Jen dinner and then… pass out asleep? Maybe. We’ll see. I can tell how excited you are to see how this day ends up. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sleep is a Jerk

Three days in a row worth of totally crappy sleep. What the hell, bro? I think I woke up about six times last night. What the hell, bro?

Today is the day that the christmas decorations are going to start coming out. I know we’re still nearly a week away from Thanksgiving and all but with 50% of the household in college, today, Wednesday, and Thanksgiving itself are pretty much the only days we have left until they actually come home for christmas.

Unfortunately for me, everything is in the cellar and was moved into the storage area when the flood damage was cleaned up. I now need to find it all. I am not looking forward to digging through the piles of stuff. No worries though, I’ll get it all.

Gobble Ho Ho Ho Gobble and all that jazz.

Things I Actually Said Today

Here are a couple of things I actually said today…

  • “Huh… 22 – 19 = oh crap.”
  • While humming a happy little melody to myself I started singing an improvised lyric about my feelings at that moment. The lyric was one line, repeated endlessly. It was, “I gotta go pee, really bad.”

Aren’t you glad you came here today? Isn’t this the best post in blogging history? Start reading backwards, kids. There are 13 years worth of these masterpieces.

Last night, before going to sleep and getting a less than stellar night’s rest, I made a command decision to temporarily suspend all Intermittent Fasting proceedings. The estimated date to restart the Intermittent Fasting process is January 3, 2022. That is not set in stone though. I could change my mind and start again tomorrow. I could also just do it without tracking it. I didn’t set the timer running last night, but I still haven’t eaten anything yet today. So maybe it’s second nature or something? No, it’s not. It’s just going to take one M&M before 1:00pm today and I will be back to normal.

Kids Come Tomorrow

It’s Thursday. Work days today and tomorrow and then tomorrow evening the kids come home for a week. Kick ass, dude.

The house is ready. Everything is clean and tidy and set for us to trick them into believing that I magically stopped being a slob over the last few months. I am sure this will fool ’em good.

We get them this weekend, then Dad gets them on Monday and Tuesday, then we get them on Wednesday and Thursday (Thanksgiving), then Dad gets them the weekend after Thanksgiving and then they go back to Vermont. We’ll be right back to the pre-college schedule as if nothing ever happened.

I fear I am going to be in a crummy mood today. I let shit get to me last night and I haven’t gotten past it yet. Rest assured, I am going to be as happy as the proverbial pig in shit come Friday evening. I am really excited to see both of them again.

Oh yeah, I have to move the office chair I was using in Harry’s room to the cellar. He has his own chair and doesn’t need two in his room. Don’t forget, you fat dumb ass loser piece of shit. Get ‘er done, as the saying goes.

Okay, it’s 8:53am so I am going to sign in to work. I have a meeting to go to and a potentially stressful issue from yesterday to get caught up on. Happy Thursday, ya maniacs!

Something Else to Fail At

I wasn’t going to write about this until it was all over at some point in the far off future, but I’m going to fail at it the way I fail at most things so why not share?

On Monday November 8th I viewed an orientation video for weight loss surgery at Lowell General Hospital. I spoke to my insurance company to make sure the procedure would be covered and I submitted a form to request an initial appointment. The form said to expect a response in five business days. That was six business days ago.

Sure it’s only one day over… I’m sure they are just busy. I’m sure it’s not the universe trying to convince me to wuss out and not mutilate myself in the name of healthier living. I’m sure I’ll be fine the way I am, right up until the heart attack ends me before I’m sixty.

Fuck.