Bad Day

Today has been a painful, emotional, difficult day. I’ll give details later, probably, but just know that as bad days go… this was one.

As I’ve done previously over the past couple of weeks, I am sharing cat pictures to distract myself from bad things. Enjoy my deflection…

The cats are turning our house into a messy house.

I’m Confused and Conflicted and I Don’t Know What to Do

It looked like Mom took a turn for the worse last night. We all rushed over to her again and watched as her breathing got labored and she was moaning and rattling. Visiting hours ended. I could have stayed overnight again but I had to sleep and didn’t want to take up one of the three overnight visiting slots so I went home and went to bed. I slept for nearly eight hours but still feel exhausted. I also thought it was okay to leave because I had a gut feeling…

…and I was right. As the night wore on the breathing became more normal and the rattling almost stopped. She’s back to where she was when I stayed overnight on Friday/Saturday. I have to go back to work. I can’t miss a huge chunk of a third consecutive week. My boss and my boss’ boss both told me it was okay, but I can’t continue to do this for my own reasons. My conscience won’t let me. That means I can’t stay over night during the week either. I just can’t do it anymore.

We had a hospice nurse tell us that parents don’t die in front of their children. They hang on until the kids are out of the room and then go. I don’t believe that is factual at all. Is there anecdotal evidence to support the theory? Yes. Mountains of it. A little internet digging shows that there are zillions of people who claim this happened to them. Is there scientific evidence? Not that I see. I think people attribute cosmic interference to pure coincidence. Having said that, maybe it’s time to give in and embrace the anecdotes. Maybe it’s time to devote less time to the vigil.

I know what I have to do but I fucking hate that I am even considering it. I just want her to be at peace. I want her suffering to end.

Walnut Grove Cemetery

Rob Shoots Film

I took Dad’s camera to this location twice. The first time the film broke. The second time it jammed with about five shots left so I just rolled it up and didn’t tempt fate. Next time I’ll bring my Nikon instead but I’ll probably go black and white again because it’s spooky looking and I like spooky looking things.

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Are You Tired of the Cats Yet?

Nine Month Weigh In

I got to the hospice facility at around 10:00am on Friday morning and didn’t leave until after 8:00am on Saturday morning. I can’t take that again. I just can’t handle it. My body and my brain are starting to rebel against the idea.

Fortunately it did not affect today’s monthiversary weigh in. You know it. Today is February 4th, my step son’s 20th birthday and my nephew’s 12th birthday, so it’s time for the monthly weigh in. On Wednesday for the weekly I weighed 226.8 pounds. Today, just three days later, I weigh 224.4. A difference of 2.4 pounds in three days. Yikes.

Total weight lost since the surgery nine months ago, 207 pounds. Total weight lost since the first check in on January 19, 2022, 227.6 pounds. My BMI went from 27.6 to 27.3.

Initially after the surgery my weigh loss goal was to weigh less than 400 pounds. When I achieved that my goal became weigh less than 300 pounds. When I achieved that my goal became lose 200 pounds since surgery. When I achieved that… what? I guess the goal now is to enter what the folks in the bariatric surgery facebook groups call Onederland. That is drop below 200 pounds and enter the 100 pound universe. I still have a ways to go before I get there. After that the goal is going to be get my BMI below 25. That will hit at about 190 pounds.

I’m optimistic I can reach those lofty goals. Onederland, here I come.