Dad is being discharged at 3:00. The home health aid is coming at 2:30. I am freaking out. Totally freaking out.
Shit has been going on all day at work. None of it is freak-out-worthy, but all of it is freaking me out. I tried to go to lunch at 1:00 but I had 45 minutes solid where I got call after call after call and couldn’t stop.
I am totally fucking freaking out.
Today was a bad day. Nothing bad actually happened yet everything felt like it was bad. What’s the opposite of rose colored glasses?
Whatever. Tomorrow we are going to see Bellana so that should help my spirits for a while. I can’t wait to see her. I’m so proud of her. We aren’t going to see much of Harry this week but it looks like we might be able to squeak in some time. This was a dad weekend so we haven’t seen him since Friday morning. I can’t wait to see him. I’m so proud of him.
Did I somehow change font size between the first two paragraphs or are my eyes just having a rough day like the rest of me?
Speaking of going blind, my new glasses are ready!
Well folks, it’s getting time for bed. I, your humble narrator, will talk to you again tomorrow. Goodnight, moon.
Come on, tomorrow. Let’s get you here now!
I’m off work tomorrow. We’re having a step daughter visit and I can’t friggin’ wait. Literally everything is getting under my skin and rubbing me the wrong way today. Everything. My parents phone has been ringing off the hook and every single ring makes me want to flush the phone down the fucking toilet. At work, I have a big thing I’m trying to finish before my day off and I can’t because every few minutes there is another big thing. I want to delegate it out to the group, like a good supervisor should, but everyone in the group is already on something huge. I’ve been at my parents house for 31 hours now and I’ve got another 4-5 hours to go but it feels like it’s never going to end.
Earlier I fantasized about digging a hole and screaming into it. Now I am fantasizing about digging a hole and burying myself in it. Argh!
Other nitpicky things:
The fucking house phone has rung twice while I typed this post.
Screaming.
All of the screaming.
Where is a good place for me to go where I can just scream and scream and scream until it all goes away? I could just do it at the dining room table, but that would freak everyone around me out. I don’t want to do that. I could do it in the woods behind my house but that might freak out the neighbors. I could do it in the car, but it will probably be loud enough to freak out the other drivers.
It’s a conundrum, indeed.
Granted I am just about to the point where I am not going to be able to stop myself and I’m just going to start screaming… and I am not 100% sure I’ll be able to stop once I start.
You know how it is, right? Maybe I could dig a hole somewhere and scream into it. I could scream into the void, but there’s never a void around when you need one.
To paraphrase a Woody Allen joke from before we suspected he was a child molesting scumbag piece of crap…
Character #1: I feel a void at the center of my being.
Character #2: What kind of void?
Character #1: Well, an empty void.
More proof that I ain’t no prophet, right?
In the last post I wished everyone an easy Friday at work. Within 10 minutes of punching in this morning I got hit by a metaphorical bus known as one of our biggest customers. Everything is under control now, but yikes, eh?
Why does Apple’s podcast app suck so bad? Specifically on iPadOS. It keeps crashing and losing it’s place and what the hell, bro? I already listened to that Loki Episode 2 podcast, I don’t want to listen to it again, and I was halfway through this other Loki Episode 2 podcast so why are you starting from the beginning again? Also, where the hell are the new episodes of podcasts I subscribe to? They aren’t all a day late, are they? Come on, Apple. You want to lose to some crap fest like Stitcher? Or, heaven forbid, Spotify? Crud, babie. Crud. Get your podcast catching ass in gear, okay?
So, Loki… are they going to pull a fast one on us and have the TVA end up as the bad guys? If you think that’s a spoiler, read the title of this post again. No spoilers here, unless we’re talking about Fear the Walking Dead. I’ll spoil the shit out of that dumpster fire (no I won’t). Those of us who are still watching deserve it. Masochism, babie. Masochism.
I need to play guitar this weekend. I need to cut the grass, but I need to play guitar. Do you get where I’m coming from? While I need to watch the new Rick and Morty episode this weekend, I need to play guitar. Yeah, you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
Okay then. Back to work, fat boy. Back to work.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but ever since I got to my mother’s house I have had this sense of impending doom. Like, take Star Wars super fandom out of the equation and say, I’ve got a bad feeling about this. I don’t know what the bad feeling is, and I don’t even know what it’s referring to. I just feel like the hammer is about to fall and it’s likely going to fall right on top of my fat head.
Please note that I am not thinking about The Bruins. They are up 1-0 after one period and I am fairly optimistic they will come out of this game with a lead in the series. Even after getting seriously outplayed for a chunk of game two, they still took it to overtime. I think they are going to be okay.
I also don’t think this has anything to do with Jen and the kids. All is well at home. There is nothing on the horizon that we can’t handle, and that includes the imminent empty nest. I am fully happy and content and confident with home life.
Everything else is fucked. Why do I feel this way? What the hell is wrong with me? It’s summer. Lighten up, Francis.
The last two days rank high on the list of most insane days I’ve had at work over the last 16 years. Just nuts.
Today is my father’s birthday. He had surgery. It went well. Happy Birthday, Dad!
I need a drink*.
*I don’t drink
You know, as crazy stressful, super hectic, long and torturous work days where you bang your head against the wall all day without actually accomplishing anything go…
Today was one.
Sure glad that’s over.
I was just reading posts from one year ago today, like you do. Just trying to see how the beginning of the covid clusterfuck was comparing to the current covid clusterfuck. There was a post where I was talking about how everything was different but how it hadn’t sunk in yet. Mostly I was talking about work, but I also got personal a bit. I challenged myself to do something and reading it today I realized that I have failed in that personal challenge many times. This is what I wrote:
I can’t lose my temper… ever. The stress level world wide right now is insanely high and am nervous that my temper’s fuse is now really short. I cannot cannot cannot lose it. I have to pay close attention not only to what I say to people, but how I say it. I can’t snap. I can’t sound pissy. I can’t be anything other than cool and supportive.
Okay… well… I think I’ve lived up to that more often than not, but there have been many times… many times where I have let something get under my skin that under normal world circumstances wouldn’t have bothered me at all and I’ve turned into a snapping prick and just lost my cool completely.
So allow me to take a moment to apologize to any and all people who have seen me lose my temper. I should have been a better person than I was and I am sorry.
Maybe as things start getting back to a more 2019 flavor of normal I might be able to be less of a dick when things get stressy. Here’s hoping.
I knew today was going to be stressful. Lots of meetings, lots of important imminent deadline kind of things. Work was going to be busy. Then last night the hospital asked to have a call with all of us at some point today to review the next steps for my father. They will let us know when. So all of my stress-filled plans are in flux so that I can join a call that will likely cause my stress level to increase exponentially.
It’s going to be a rough one today. Next week, when things actually happen at the hospital, is going to be worse but I’ll hurl myself off that stress inducing bridge when I come to it.
Yippee.
Inside the Red Head's Head 