Tag: Stress

Nothing Going Down

It’s 3:00pm here in the Tewksbury at the parent sitting shift. I’m tired. I got a decent night’s sleep last night but I’m tired. I’m trying to keep my brain occupied. I did a little music, I watched an Orville, I have done a couple of chores, I’ve written slightly more than one blog post, I read my wife’s latest blog post. It’s not working for me today. I just want to go home.

The home health care professional who is on duty today is trying to push my parents into being a little more active. She tried to get them to watch a movie together, with a small amount of temporary success, she’s trying to get my mother to go through the stacks of shit they have hoarded in the living room, she’s trying to get them to eat better, and she even asked them if they have any board games they’d like to play. The word you’re looking for here is heroic, even if they haven’t bitten at any of the bait.

Part of me is feeling overwhelmed by all of this. Part of me just feels like sitting back and letting it all crash down. Like… not indifferent, just no longer willing to try. No, that’s not right… not unwilling to try, more like… no longer wanting to care. I just want it over. I know that if I start thinking about a life after parent sitting then something will go wrong and we’ll reboot and be right back at square one again and I can’t deal with that. That wouldn’t feel overwhelming, that would feel like a catastrophic collapse of all brain function.

I miss my wife so much my heart hurts. It hasn’t been 24 hours since I left home last night but it feels like decades. I just miss her so much. Maybe I’ll grab myself a pile of hoarded shit and just take it outside and dump it in the garbage. I wonder, would that feel good or would it be heartbreaking? I can’t even venture a guess anymore.

Okay, I have about three hours left. I think I need to occupy myself with something non-computer related. Maybe that will make the three hours fly by. Doubtful. We’ll see.

Still Quiet on the Parental Front

Things are still quiet here. All is pretty much well. Did I just jinx it? I seem to be doing that a lot these days.

I filled the pill caddies today for both of my parents. That is a job for whoever (whomever?) is here on Saturday morning. It stresses me out, but today was the first time I had to do my father’s pills and I was trying to use an outdated meds list. Nothing in the pill case matched what was on the list, and nothing on the list matched the case. The list I was looking at was from late 2020 and he did spend six months in and out of the hospital in 2021 so I couldn’t say for sure it was up to date. My sister straightened me out. There was a new list. I was all set from there.

Seeing as tomorrow there is a risk of us getting spanked by an actual hurricane, we thought it wise to get the grocery order in today rather than wait for tomorrow. I thought that my mother wrote the grocery list and it just got forwarded on to me and then Jen used her super deluxe instacart account to place the order. I’m still 99% sure that’s how it worked, but when I asked my mother for a list today she got really nervous about it. She was happy to do it, but kept asking me to double check her work. I guess she doesn’t generally do it alone? Or she just forgot that she does it alone? She put a couple of things on the order that she probably didn’t need, and left a couple of things off that would probably be good to get, and she put one thing on the order that she’s not allowed to eat. I called her on it and she said it wasn’t for her, it was for everyone else. Riiiiiight.

Only one memory issue today, and it was a common one. Mom mentioned that someone was having a birthday this week. I said it was my baby brother. She asked how he was my baby brother. I said I was six years older than he was so he’s the baby. Then she asked who our parents were. Did we have the same parents? Yes, you and dad. She asked if she gave birth to us. Yup. We’ve gone over this quite a bit over the last four months. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s sort of normal.

On my home front, my beloved bride told me she woke up with a bad headache today. I was I could be there to help her out. I hate that I am not there for her. I really hate it.

Just keep focusing on home, Robert. Something like 6-7 hours before the next shift starts and you can go home. Just hang in there.

Stressfully Quiet

It really looked like my mother was going to have a super bad night tonight, but she somehow managed to fall asleep and she’s been out like a light for about half an hour now. Dad is asleep on the hospital bed in the living room. The Red Sox game is still on. If he stays asleep I should be able to take the remote from him. Unless he moves it, of course.

Despite the apparent ease of the evening, I have been stressed out like crazy. No real reason. The half deaf conversations are tough to handle (what did you say? No, what did you say? What?) but it shouldn’t be enough to generate this level of stress. So what is it?

I don’t know, but I think it might just be that I am reaching my limit. I maybe have already reached the limit and gone way past it. I’m not sure. Let’s just get through tonight and tomorrow, and then I can have a stormy, hurricaney day on Sunday, and then we get to spend two days with Bellana.

Come on, Robert. Just focus on the college kid coming home. Focus on the college kid coming home.

Late Lunch

I had a late start to my lunch break today. Hopefully that will make the second half of the day feel a little quicker. I often play mind games with the clock like that. Does it make a difference? Probably not.

I am feeling really stressed out today. I am trying so hard to keep a level head, but I feel like a temper tantrum is coming at any moment. I’m suddenly feeling really tired. Probably because I just ate a nice PB&J lunch and I’m full and my brain thinks some shut eye is a good idea. Instead I am taking diet pepsi through an IV directly into my heart. The caffeine is helping, but I fear it won’t be enough.

I have actually been able to get some good work done today, but my mother is having a rough day today and everything is getting under my skin. She’s not complaining about pain at all. She did for a while, but mostly today it’s just been memory. She asked me where her husband was. I said he’s in the bed in the next room. She said no he wasn’t. She said she wanted to go home. I told her she was home and that this has been her home for more than 50 years. She said it used to be her home but not anymore and she wanted to go home to her parents house. I had to tell her that her parents weren’t in their old house anymore. Because they are both dead, she said. Yes. She said her mother died recently. I told her it’s been 23 years.

It’s so stressful, and feeling like I’m leaning against the tipping point isn’t making it any easier to deal with. I really need to go home and see my family. I haven’t seen my wife in almost 48 hours. I haven’t seen my step son in 24 hours. I haven’t talked to my step daughter in over a week. I’m just feeling crushed right now and they are the only thing that can straighten me out. I love my parents and clearly I’ll do anything for them, but for fucks sake I have a family of my own and I miss them so much.

Ugh… I don’t even remember what I was going to talk about. Give me a second, I have something in my eyes. No, I’m not crying, you’re crying. Wimp.

Okay, I have to get back to work. Talk to ya’ll later.

Another Small Step

There was one important thing I needed to see happen over at my parents’ house yesterday and it didn’t quite happen. It partially happened. Let’s say 60% of it happened. I really needed that other 40% though, and yesterday it didn’t happen.

It happened today.

It’s still not enough for me to start feeling positive. Yes, there is a light at the end of this miserable tunnel, but if I start focusing on it, it is going to turn around and break my heart and I just can’t do that to myself or to my wife or to anyone else.

Still… the partial big step I got yesterday is now a full big step.

Oh, how I need this to resolve. I need it to be over.

Please, please, please.

The next hurdle is, I believe, next Tuesday. Let’s hope that light in the distance gets a whole lot closer by then.

The Weekend… Finally

It is Friday. I have logged out of work for the day. It’s finally the weekend. You’d think that would be good. It’s not. The stress is still through the roof. I have to come back here tomorrow evening. I don’t want to, but I have to.

My mother hung out in the living room with my father and the healthcare worker. No animosity like there was this morning. She was fine. Actually, she slept in the recliner quite a bit. My father slept in the hospital bed. Sometimes that leads to a difficult night, but not always. In fact, I think more often than not it’s not a big deal.

I really need all of this to be over. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but is it close or is it far away? It’s so hard to tell when you’re buried in the pitch dark.

I’m freaking Out

Dad is being discharged at 3:00. The home health aid is coming at 2:30. I am freaking out. Totally freaking out.

Shit has been going on all day at work. None of it is freak-out-worthy, but all of it is freaking me out. I tried to go to lunch at 1:00 but I had 45 minutes solid where I got call after call after call and couldn’t stop.

I am totally fucking freaking out.

I’m not Good at This

Today was a bad day. Nothing bad actually happened yet everything felt like it was bad. What’s the opposite of rose colored glasses?

Whatever. Tomorrow we are going to see Bellana so that should help my spirits for a while. I can’t wait to see her. I’m so proud of her. We aren’t going to see much of Harry this week but it looks like we might be able to squeak in some time. This was a dad weekend so we haven’t seen him since Friday morning. I can’t wait to see him. I’m so proud of him.

Did I somehow change font size between the first two paragraphs or are my eyes just having a rough day like the rest of me?

Speaking of going blind, my new glasses are ready!

Well folks, it’s getting time for bed. I, your humble narrator, will talk to you again tomorrow. Goodnight, moon.

Come On, Tomorrow

Come on, tomorrow. Let’s get you here now!

I’m off work tomorrow. We’re having a step daughter visit and I can’t friggin’ wait. Literally everything is getting under my skin and rubbing me the wrong way today. Everything. My parents phone has been ringing off the hook and every single ring makes me want to flush the phone down the fucking toilet. At work, I have a big thing I’m trying to finish before my day off and I can’t because every few minutes there is another big thing. I want to delegate it out to the group, like a good supervisor should, but everyone in the group is already on something huge. I’ve been at my parents house for 31 hours now and I’ve got another 4-5 hours to go but it feels like it’s never going to end.

Earlier I fantasized about digging a hole and screaming into it. Now I am fantasizing about digging a hole and burying myself in it. Argh!

Other nitpicky things:

  • The podcast app on my iPad has crashed twice since lunch started
  • I got six hours of sleep last night which was more than the night before and I’m starting to run out of gas
  • Why does the meals delivery ring the doorbell just as I am getting into a meeting
  • Why is the meals delivery delivering two meals now
  • Are we really going to have rain every day this month
    • I overheard my mother listening to the news yesterday and they said that while there has not been measurable rainfall every day in July so far, there has been recorded rain drops hitting Logan Airport every day in July. I guess that means the record books do not show a full month (so far) of rain, but technically there has been. Whatever, this blows.
  • There are four lightbulbs in the light fixture in this room. Two of them are out. We don’t have replacements.
  • I do not enjoy being within ear shot of The Game Show Network all day (though I used to work in a building that used to be The Game Show Network’s headquarters, or so I’ve heard) it is way better than Jerry Friggin’ Springer reruns.

The fucking house phone has rung twice while I typed this post.

Screaming.

All of the screaming.

Scream

Where is a good place for me to go where I can just scream and scream and scream until it all goes away? I could just do it at the dining room table, but that would freak everyone around me out. I don’t want to do that. I could do it in the woods behind my house but that might freak out the neighbors. I could do it in the car, but it will probably be loud enough to freak out the other drivers.

It’s a conundrum, indeed.

Granted I am just about to the point where I am not going to be able to stop myself and I’m just going to start screaming… and I am not 100% sure I’ll be able to stop once I start.

You know how it is, right? Maybe I could dig a hole somewhere and scream into it. I could scream into the void, but there’s never a void around when you need one.

To paraphrase a Woody Allen joke from before we suspected he was a child molesting scumbag piece of crap…

Character #1: I feel a void at the center of my being.
Character #2: What kind of void?
Character #1: Well, an empty void.