Sorry, Birds

I took the trash out this morning. When I opened the door I scared the shit out of two birds who were sitting on the steps.

Sorry, birds.

I walked down the steps and across the driveway to get to the barrels and I scared the shit out of a rabbit that was hiding between the cars.

Sorry, bunny.

I didn’t see any squirrels when I got to the barrels but I flipped them off in general, purely out of spite.

Fuck you, squirrels.

Back inside, I changed the cat’s litter box. When I took that bag out to the trash I scared the shit out of a chipmunk that was sitting on the step.

Sorry, chipmunk.

I dropped the bag full of discarded litter box contents into the trash barrel. The same barrel that the squirrels gnawed their way into so they can eat everything.

Eat cat shit, squirrels.

Suck it Rodent

I took the trash out. When I got outside one of the empty garbage barrels was knocked over. There were two squirrels hiding behind it. One saw me coming and ran for the woods. The other didn’t see me. I was able to walk right up to the barrel and kick it. The barrel, not the squirrel. I kicked the barrel into the squirrel and damn if that wasn’t a satisfying experience.

Effin rodent wants to scatter my trash all over the yard? Effin rodent wants to eat all of the bird seed? Screw you, squirrel! The barrel rolled right over the prick. Damn that felt good.

I Hate Squirrels

Bastards. Little furry rodent adorably cute bastards. Squirrels. The bane of my existence.

Jen and Harry like to have bagels for breakfast now and then. Today is Instacart day so Jen included a bag of bagels in the grocery order. The delivery came and in good social distance practice they left it outside on the steps. There were only a few minutes between the delivery and me going out to get it, but that was enough time for a couple of squirrels to rip open the bag of bagels and have at it.

Damn you, squirrels! First my bird seed, now my bagels? Is there no end to your evil? Will the torment never end?

Squirrels Are Evil

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Squirrels are evil. They are cute, furry, little devil spawn, hell bent on destroying the world one backyard at a time.

I have three garbage barrels. I used to have four but one mysteriously went missing not long ago. They aren’t very big, but three are usually enough. Sometimes though they aren’t enough so I ordered two more.

All three of the barrels have a cover, but the covers all have holes in them, thanks to the squirrels. They gnawed their way in so that they could get at the garbage inside. They make a mess and I hate them and I want them all to die in fire.

The two new barrels were delivered the other day. Yesterday was the first time I used one of them. I put some broken down cardboard boxes into it. Today was the first time I put actual garbage into one of them. That was at about 11:00 this morning. At 1:00, as my lunch break was starting, I went outside to get the mail. Something about the barrel caught my eye. Something didn’t look right. I walked over……

It took those sonofabitches less than two hours to gnaw a hole in the lid of the brand spanking new barrel. There was a big, squirrel sized hole in the brand new cover for the brand new trash barrel.

I didn’t expect the new barrels would keep them out forever, but I was sort of hoping they would keep them out for more than a couple of hours.

I HATE SQUIRRELS!

Woodland Adventures

My beloved wife ordered some groceries through instacart today.  In the spirit of social distance I like to wait 5-10 minutes after the delivery dude arrives just to make sure he’s not going to accidentally turn around and come back again.  Paranoid?  Hells yes, but who cares.

When I went out onto the steps to bring the bags in their was a little fluffy tailed rodent sitting on top of one of them.  Mammalia Sciuridae… I think… or is it Sciuridae Mammalia?  I don’t remember high school biology at all.  Whatever, it was a little bastard muthatruckin’ squirrel.  He was sitting on top of one of the grocery bags which was open at the top to expose a loaf of bread.  Squirrel bitch had his nose in a tiny little hole in the plastic bag the bread was in that he had gnawed out and he was munching on a teeny tiny morsel of bread.  I hate that little shit with every fibre of my being, but even I have to admit that it was super cool.

So that loaf of bread never came into the house and it somehow lead to a second story involving wilderness adventures.

I brought in the rest of the groceries, wiped everything down like a good quarantined doobee, washed my hands, and then went back out for the bread.  I took it into the back yard and threw it all over the place.  If the prick squirrel wants it, the prick squirrel and all his prick squirrel buddies can have it.  I took a picture because I am the undisputed king of all things nerd.

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So there I was, out in the back yard admiring the view while the temperature slowly ticked it’s way up toward 60 degrees of Spring bliss.  As is often the case these days my eyes wandered over to the “tree incident”.  Last summer while we were in Florida a tree had tried to fall down but it hit a second tree.  The trunk of the second tree split dramatically, but managed to stay up.  Now the first tree is leaning against the second tree.  Someday they are going to come down.  Let’s just hope they both fall in the same direction and that our yard is in the other direction.

The underbrush hasn’t started growing in yet.  The weather was beautiful.  I could actually see a roundabout path to the “tree incident”.  Yeah, I’m going exploring.  I’ve wanted to do it with my camera but I just said screw it and went with just my iPhone.  Before we got there I had to look at this and ask what the hell is this?

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And now we get to the tree itself.  I can’t really see this from the yard, but I could see enough to know it probably wasn’t as simple as tree A falling on tree B.  The fact of the matter is, tree A didn’t just fall, it snapped off about 6-7 feet from the ground.  It then hit the second tree and snapped again, with the lower half dropping to the ground and the upper half (I say half, but it’s really more like the upper 80%) dropped straight down so that it was standing up on the ground and then it fell over into tree B.  It looks pretty chaotic and it makes me kinda wish I had seen it happen.

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Then there was the water.  I knew there was a small body of water somewhere behind the neighbor’s house.  I thought it was further away, but it was just beyond the first hill, and the “tree incident” sits on top of that first hill.

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The question is, is this a pond?  Is it a lake?  Is it an ocean?  Is it just a puddle?  I’m guessing it’s just a big puddle.  I can’t see how far away this body of water goes.  That’s a woodland adventure for another day though.

And now at long last we come to the actual point of the story.

It’s Spring.  It’s the woods.  It is well known that there are ticks living out in them thar trees.  Deer ticks.  Lyme disease carrying little arachnid asshole ticks.  Every once in a while we’ll find one crawling on us after we went out in the yard.  It happens.  Once I found one buried in my gut.  I had to take a lot of antibiotics that day, let me tell you.

So ticks were on my mind, but I didn’t see anything when I got back to the house.  It is tough to look at your own ass though so who knows.  I got into the house, said hello to everyone, went to the office to check out the pictures on my phone and… about two minutes later… found a friggin’ deer tick crawling on my leg.  I grabbed it in a tissue, flushed it’s murderous, diseased ass down the toilet, and jumped in the shower.  My clothes are in the washing machine.

The moral of the story is thus:  Squirrels suck and ticks suck too.

More of the Nothing

Nothing going on today. I get to leave work a little early tomorrow, and Thursday is a holiday, and I get to telecommute on Friday, but today there is nothing going on.

Last night was weird. I went to bed early and got a ton of sleep. I woke up after six hours (because my brain hates me) but was able to get back to sleep and clocked in a total of about eight hours. It’s been so long. So very, very long.

Yesterday’s tornado warning that covered most of the Merrimack Valley did not end up in a tornado, but Methuen got some major storm action. None of us were home for any of it, but there were huge puddles everywhere and the Methuen PD reported some minor flooding. The worst part of the weather was the mystery it left in our back yard.

When I got home the bird feeder was off the hook, laying on the ground empty. That begs the question, did the wind and the storm knock it over or did the damn dirty squirrels knock it off first. It was empty, so there was some serious squirrel mischief, but did they initiate it or not? It’s a mystery. One that may never be solved.

I’m still concerned about the weather forecast for tomorrow. There is a 30% chance of precipitation and calls for scattered thunderstorms. I want to take the kids to the Methuen fireworks. The rain date is Friday, and this Friday the kids are at their dad’s. The weather has to be good on Wednesday.

It reminds me of Woodstock. Maybe if we all think real hard we can stop this rain (from coming).

No Rain!
No Rain!
No Rain!

Welcome to July

So yeah, it’s July now. Boy those April, May, and June months sure burned through fast, huh? Like, here and gone.

Urgh.

Life would be so much easier if we could just jump from September straight around to April again and just give Autumn and Winter a miss.

When I was a kid and in boy scouts I developed an interest in archery. My parents got me a bow and some cheap wooden arrows with target practice style tips (don’t remember what the actual term for them was). With the exception of the incident where I shot out a neighbor’s garage window, I was getting half decent with the thing. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been wishing I kept with it. If I had, I would be able to do something about the damn squirrels stealing the bird food from the bird feeder. Bastards! I’d shoot them through the eye and hang them on the trees nearby to warn off the other little pricks. I hate them! I hate them! We’ve reached the point where opening the window and yelling at them no longer scares them away. They just laugh and give me the finger. Jerks.

So the 4th of July is this week. It’s time to start planning our day. Methuen has fireworks on Wednesday night. I hope the weather holds and we get to go. We’ve been living in the city since 2008 and I don’t think we’ve ever participated in a single town event. Those times the fire department came to the duplex don’t count. Maybe this year is the year we join the community (for a day, and then wait a year before we participate again. I don’t wanna get too townie, ya know? heh heh).

Are tasers legal in Massachusetts? Maybe I’ll get one of those to keep the squirrels away. ZAP! Dance, rodent! Dance!!!

July, the month for summer fun, cookouts, swimming, and removing squirrels from the yard with extreme prejudice.

Happy July!

Bird Feeder Blues

I filled the bird feeder this morning. It is now half empty and some animal (I’m looking at you, Mr squirrel) tried to chew through the bottom.

I hate you, squirrels. I do hate you so.