I am not good at the second round. Every year it’s the same thing. First round, good. Second round, awful.
After one round I was 5-3 because the Maple Leafs suck. My coin flip was 2-4, again because the Leafs suck.
How’s it look after the second round?
The Bruins and the Islanders. Shut up. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Stop being such a butt munch, you jerk. I am now 5-4.
Hurricanes and Lightning. The coin and I both picked the lightning. Good work, me. I am 6-4 and the coin is 3-4. That’s it for good news for me.
Avalanche and Golden Knights. Welp… my pick to win it all is out of it. I picked the Avs and the coin picked Vegas. I am 6-5 and the coin is 4-4.
Canadiens vs Jets. Oh for fucks sake. I picked the Jets and the coin picked Montreal. Montreal won because they suck and also because the Leafs suck. I am 6-6 and the coin is 5-4.
So I guess that leaves us with the third round. They don’t seem to be calling it the Conference Finals this year. Instead it is the Stanley Cup Semifinals. Whatever, the Bruins aren’t in it so I hate it.
No. 3 Tampa Bay Lightning vs No. 4 New York Islanders: I hate them both. I hate Tampa because they beat us… last year was it? I don’t care, I hate them. I hate the Islanders more though because they beat us last week and they are from New York, even though they aren’t the real hockey team from New York (The Rangers didn’t make it this year because they suck). So I guess I am picking Tampa because I hate them slightly less. The coin flip (heads for the higher seed, tails for the lower) also picked Tampa.
No. 2 Vegas Golden Knights vs No. 4 Montreal Canadiens: Again, I hate them both. I didn’t hate Vegas a few days ago, but then they beat the team I was expecting to win it all so I hate them now. Montreal though… Can you feel the hate flowing through me? I hate the Montreal Canadiens the way a Sith Lord hates the Jedi. I hate them the way stormtroopers hate shooting straight. I hate them the way Tribbles hate Klingons. I hate them the way Science Fiction nerds hate it when blog writers mix Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors. Again, I am picking the lesser of the two hates and predicting a win for Vegas. The coin flip, for the second round in a row, picks Montreal. I hate that effin’ coin.
What does all of this mean?
It means the Bruins are out of it and it makes me sad. I could really used a Cup win this year. Thanks a bunch, guys.