Tag: weight loss

Nerves

Am I starting to feel nervous? My first weight loss surgery appointment is Thursday morning. I can’t tell if I am actually nervous or not. I’ve been in a weird state of mind all day. Like… an odd bundle of energy that feels just sort of… off.

Tonight we were going to have spaghetti and red sauce for dinner. Turns out we didn’t have any sauce. Jen and I both thought we had a jar but we don’t. I was pretty sad. Like, damn dude, I was in the mood for some s’ghettie. Then Jen said that we should just say screw it and go to Five Guys and I was like, Kick Ass! Five Guys! Best French Fries Ever!

So I guess I am just in a weird, confused, you’re about to be scared shitless again, mood swinging state of mind.

Crud.

Thursday. Thursday morning, to be exact. I can do this. I can do this.

Can I do this?

Crud.

Bike

I have 12 minutes of bike time in today (so far). I’m trying to get back on the exercise wagon if I can. It’s so friggin’ hard. Why is it so difficult? I hate being morbidly obese.

I’m 10 days away from my first real weight loss surgery appointment. It’s a Zoom call. I don’t even have to leave my house. Nice, huh? I should ride the bike during the call. Show them that I am all in on not being huge anymore.

12 minutes… my legs are really tired. Shit.

Back Pain

I’m so fat,

How fat are you?

I’m so fat that my back is in serious pain due to having to hold my ginormous gut upright while I’m standing. When I first stand up I’m good for maybe 5-10 minutes and then the back pain flares up and it becomes hard to move. I can deal with it for a few minutes but then it gets bad enough that I have to sit.

Here’s hoping gastric bypass surgery will fix this particular issue.

Fingers crossed.

Stressing

I don’t like being out in public like this. Never mind the part about asking someone to rewire my innards.

Turns out I’ve been here before. I went to an info session once years ago and then chickened out before my first appointment. This is the same office.

I’m experimenting with double masking. I can’t tell if the inner mask is still over my nose or not. I think it is.

The Panic is Imminent

Imminent… did I spell that right? I think so. It’s one of those words, you know? One of those words that I am never quite sure how to spell.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the panic is imminent.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. After that… Wednesday. That’s when the panic will come full force. Wednesday morning. At Lowell General Hospital. It’s not even an appointment, it’s just handing in some paperwork and having my vitals recorded. The actual first appointment is February 3rd via Zoom. Wednesday though… that’s the next step. I have to get through that before I can do anything else.

Weight loss surgery. I am in a state of mild freak out right now. It will be a major league freak out tomorrow. Wednesday morning… full blown panic. I can practically smell it.

I’m doing it this time. No more wussing out like the last time. No more giving in to fear. No more worrying about what I won’t be able to do anymore once it’s done. The only worry worth worrying about is what happens if I don’t do it.

It’s the right thing to do, but I am still going to panic over every little detail, including dropping off the medical history forms on Wednesday.

Fuck. I don’t know if I am ready for this.

Fuck. I have to get myself ready for this.

Fuck.

It’s Friday

Friday. Lunch break. My Covid hair is so long right now that it’s actually giving me a headache. Is that even possible? I’m looking at Wednesday as the day I get it cut. I am going to look and feel like a different person. It’s going to be weird.

Wednesday is also the first step in the weight loss surgery process. I’m just going in to have my vitals taken. Safe to assume I will crush the scale when they weigh me. My back has become such a problem that I can’t really exercise at the moment. It is going to be a really tough time for me but if I don’t do it I am going to die of fat. It’s that simple.

Bellana and her roommate just posted a video to YouTube detailing their journey to The Netherlands and their first couple of days in quarantine. I really want to post it here but I don’t know if I should. I want to though.

Harry just came home. He’s been working for one of the gig-economy internets services. Two customers stiffed him on tips. They both suck. Actually, I don’t know that for sure, they could just be going through tough financial times, but they did stiff my kid so I am mad at them. At least he’s home. He’s planning on going out again at dinner and we will miss him. He’s going back to school on Sunday and I don’t want him to go, but I do want him to go, but I don’t want him to go. Aw, crud.

Bellana and Kenny’s YouTube post is giving a tour of their apartment. The views of the city are amazing. I want to just watch it over and over but I have to go back to work. Blah. Three hours and nine minutes to go.

Less Productive

I’ve completed about half of the projects I set for myself today. The snow cocked it up, even though we only got a little more than a dusting. Is a wet dusting a thing or is that a precipitation oxymoron? Whatever, I shoveled the tiny bit of snow and cleaned off the cars and my back has been royally pissed at me ever since. I did the trash too, and I’m about to cook dinner.

There are a couple of boxes that need to go into the cellar, haven’t done that. There’s a shit load of laundry to do, haven’t done that. The cat left a mess in Bellana’s room, haven’t cleaned that.

I want to but my back stops me every five minutes or so.

Here’s hoping 2022 (2020 too) leads to the elusive weight loss surgery, and that leads to a reduction in stress on my back, and that leads to less back pain.

It probably won’t, but a boy can dream, right?

Bike Day

It was about a month ago that I stopped closing my exercise ring every day. I stopped doing my 30 minutes of walking. My back was killing me around the clock and I would walk for 2-3 minutes and have to stop. I also stopped doing the Intermittent Fasting thing. That was 25 days ago, if the app I track the fasting in can be believed.

My back doesn’t feel any better, really. I think I have gained 30 pounds in those three-plus weeks. I haven’t weighed myself, but I definitely gained a ton of weight in that short period of time. I can see it, Jen can see it, and I can feel it.

When we put up the Christmas tree we had to find a new, temporary home for our exercise bike. That new home ended up being next to my side of the bed. Right across the room from my work desk. As I felt my weight climbing at a rapid pace, it almost seemed like the bike was mocking me. For about two weeks I have been telling myself to just ride the friggin’ thing. Today I finally did. I only rode it in 5-6 minute intervals. I closed my 30 minute exercise ring, but I didn’t close my 1,000 calorie move ring. My back was okay with the whole thing. My legs weren’t. Ouch. That was a trade I can handle in the short term.

I’ll try again tomorrow. I will shoot for more than just the 30 minutes and see if I can close the 1,000 calorie ring too (I wasn’t even close today). I need to do something before I turn into a Monty Python sketch*.

Oh, and I started tonight’s intermittent fast at 7:30pm. It’s supposed to be 9:00pm, but I guess I was a little anxious. Fingers crossed I can keep myself from falling off the wagon, or from crashing it in to a tree.

I am leaving work a couple of hours early tomorrow. I’m thinking of trying to put new christmas lights on the side of the house. Maybe going up and down the ladder will gain me a few exercise minutes and burn off a few calories. Every little bit helps, I hear.

I am freaking out about my weight. Frankly, it’s so out of control and hard to reign in that it’s scaring the ever loving shit out of me. One step at a time, I guess.

*Just a wafer thin mint, sir.

Appointments

I made two doctors appointments today. One is just a quickie to drop off some paperwork and take some vitals. The other is a zoom meeting.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to write about this… then changed my mind… then changed my mind again… and now I am changing it again. The appointments are to start the process for weight loss surgery. The idea of mutilating my internal organs in the name of health scares the fucking shit out of me (literally?). 20 years of nothing but negative progress in my attempts to get healthier is currently scaring me even more. A lot more. Almost infinitely more. My step kids were six and four years old when I met them for the first time. I missed out on a ton. I don’t want to miss out on any more because I was not able to get my weight down and it caused my heart to explode. Fuck.

So the first appointment is booked and I am freaking out. Also, the first appointment doesn’t happen until mid-January so I am freaking out about that too. Covid-19 forced us to punt on Harry’s high school graduation trip to Disney World last year. The make up date is currently sometime in January 2023. I don’t want to still be in some weakened recovery phase of this process when the trip date comes around. I’d rather delay than screw up scheduling. Granted Omicron is already hinting at a fucked up 2022 to rival the fucked up 2021 and 2020. Fuck. Who knows what’s going to happen.

Anyway… as of right now I think I am going to share my thoughts and experiences on this whole process as they happen, which means you aren’t going to hear a peep for almost two months. I’ll probably change my mind a few dozen times between now and then so you might not get a post about it until it happens. Or, maybe I’ll wait a year after it happens and then just post a selfie of an unrecognizable, healthier me (that is the goal, right?).

Cross your fingers and hang on to your butts, and come along and freak the fuck out with me.

I wrote “fuck” a lot in this post. Oh well.

Things I Actually Said Today

Here are a couple of things I actually said today…

  • “Huh… 22 – 19 = oh crap.”
  • While humming a happy little melody to myself I started singing an improvised lyric about my feelings at that moment. The lyric was one line, repeated endlessly. It was, “I gotta go pee, really bad.”

Aren’t you glad you came here today? Isn’t this the best post in blogging history? Start reading backwards, kids. There are 13 years worth of these masterpieces.

Last night, before going to sleep and getting a less than stellar night’s rest, I made a command decision to temporarily suspend all Intermittent Fasting proceedings. The estimated date to restart the Intermittent Fasting process is January 3, 2022. That is not set in stone though. I could change my mind and start again tomorrow. I could also just do it without tracking it. I didn’t set the timer running last night, but I still haven’t eaten anything yet today. So maybe it’s second nature or something? No, it’s not. It’s just going to take one M&M before 1:00pm today and I will be back to normal.