Total and Complete Epic Fail

I was having a really good day, poison ivy wise. No itchy, no nothing. For the first time in over a week I was feeling confident and a smidge optimistic. I even skipped my planned 2:15pm steroid cream/calamine lotion paste of grossness.


The clock struck 5:30. The work day was over. Happiness. That was followed a millisecond later by the worst blast of itchy I’ve had since before I went to the doctor. Oh my sweet christmas it was awful. I started scratching, I started bleeding, the dead skin was falling off my arm like an avalanche. It was terrible.

I scratched until it hurt too much to scratch and then I cleaned up the bloody mess and put the various goops on.

I was feeling so good about things. I was really, really wrong.

Damn it.

How Did Barry Bonds Do It?


All those years of taking steroids… the clear and the cream and all that shit… how did Barry Bonds do it?

I’ve been putting a steroid cream on my poison ivy rash for six days now and my arm is all swollen and sore. My upper arm is so swollen it actually hurts a little. If Bonds was using crap like this for years, he must have been as swollen as… well… he must have been as swollen and gross as he actually looked. Lets all think back to the middle of the aughts decade and remember how bloated and cartoony Bonds looked. In just six days I’m already feeling a smidge like that.

How did that steroid using, cheater freak do it?


So on the Juice

My major league baseball debut has to be imminent. On day three of juicing like a gym rat, my right arm is pretty huge. Of course it’s actually just swollen a little and my skin is so screwed up it feels like it’s pulled tight. Poison Ivy, you know? There are a couple of spots where the rash is actually leaking a little. How gross is that? Whatever, I am huge like Barry Bonds now. Get ready for some seriously long home runs. That garage across the street from Fenway Park is in big trouble.

The Red Sox are playing right now. When the radio broadcast came back from commercials for the bottom of the third inning, the bumper music was Rush – 2112. Sure, we’re losing 2-0 in the third, but Rush will pull us out of it. Sure it’s probably going to be our 10th consecutive loss, but we’ve got Rush.

As I was tying the words, “losing 2-0”, Rafael Devers hit a two run home run to tie the game. Okay. Someone is listening to me. Sure, I’m not going to hit a 500 million dollar lottery…..




Oh well. four hours and 45 minutes until I can juice again.

Little Bottle is Little

My little bottle of steroid cream is already running low. I’ve had six doses of juice from it. I might get one more, two if I stretch it. I do get one refill with my prescription, but I was kinda hoping it would last longer than it has. Unless, of course, I won’t need it any longer. It does look a little better than it did 24 hours ago.

Calamine Lotion is kind of a dick. It’s not a lotion, it’s a liquid and it splashes and spills everywhere and it stains everything it touches pink. I’m going to be doing some clothes shopping once all this bullshit is over.

Oh, and my thumb really hurts today.


I Am Barry Bonds… Or I Will Be Shortly

Poison Ivy… like… what the hell, dude. It’s a global freakin’ pandemic and you stumble on some Poison flippin’ Ivy and smear it all over yourself like some kind of low IQ lab rat? Could you be any dumber? You were a Boy Scout for crying out loud, you should know better.

Jen bought some over the counter anti-itch spray. It’s helping a little, but I think I put it on a little too heavy. It got into my nose and into my throat and it’s icky. Ugh, if icky is the price of less itchy, then I think I can live.

There may be an upside to all of this though. As I mentioned in my random post yesterday, the Boston Red Sox are monumentally bad. Just… atrociously bad. Seemingly unrelated, but maybe very much related, the doc at the urgent care sent me home with a prescription to fight the Poison Ivy I was dumb enough to rub all over myself. The prescription is for a steroid cream. Isn’t that what Barry Bonds used? The Clear and The Cream?

Could it be? Could it be that I am going to take the same thing Barry Bonds took (no, it’s not) when he cheated his way to the title of Major League Baseball Home Run King? Do you think that the Boston Red Sox might be calling me soon? I used to pitch in youth baseball when I was like 14 and I can’t be any worse than the pitchers they are getting slaughtered with now, right? Steroids worked for Roger Clemens. I mean, yeah his skill level without the steroids was higher than mine (a little) to begin with, but if I take steroids too…. I could win 20 games AND hit 40 home runs for them.

Give me a minute to goop this stuff on and then give me a call, Red Sox!


There was a time when I looked at Alex Rodriguez with something akin to hope. Barry Bonds had a legit chance to soil Hank Aaron’s home run record with his steroid induced bombs. Could someone maybe catch the Balco freak and give us our record back? Might it be Alex Rodriguez? If anyone can do it, it is probably him.

Then, of course, A-Rod got busted and admitted to using steroids himself. Then it happened again. Damn it, you asshole. I was starting to count on you.

Now it’s all coming to an end. The Yankees say that they are just moving him to a new position within the company, but let’s call it what it is. He’s getting cut. Midway through a disappointing Yankees season that included selling off all of their valuable players, Alex Rodriguez gets cut. Released. Fired. Read between the lines there, it means that no other team in the majors had any interest in trading for him. He’s done. He’s toast. He’s finished.

And I am one gleeful Red Sox fan.

The Yankees come to Boston tomorrow for a three game series and it is our collective last opportunity to boo the steroid freak back to the stone age. Let’s all practice:

Des-ig-na-ted clap clap clapclapclap for-as-sign-ment clap clap clapclapclap

I so hope that the Red Sox bring Jason Veritek back so that he can relive the famous face washing of 2004. That magic moment when we realized our Red Sox had a set of balls. Their season didn’t turn around immediately after that fight, but it may as well have. That was a glorious day in Red Sox history.

Alex Rodriguez, you are a steroid using cheater who let the baseball loving faithful down by being just as much of a scumbag as Barry Bonds. Just when we thought it couldn’t get worse, there you were visiting an “anti-aging” clinic. Now you have lost all of your skills (both natural and chemically induced) and you’re being kicked out on your ass. I hate you for being a cheater. I hate you for being a Yankee. True, but I sure do love that we get to help run you out of the league.

So long, A-Rod. Don’t let the door hit you on your pin cushion of a steroid using ass on the way out!


The boom was lowered yesterday. 12 Major League Baseball players were given 50 game suspensions for using performance enhancing drugs. Alex Rodriguez was given a 211 game suspension for using PEDs and for hindering the league’s investigation of the clinic, Biogenesis, responsible for these 13 players (14 when you include Ryan Braun) cheating. There is also talk that he recruited other players to Biogenesis and if so that might be a factor. Only A-Rod is appealing. He is the highest paid player in the sport’s history and he will lose about three times my annual salary per game when the suspension starts. He is allowed to play while the case is under appeal.

211 games amounts to the rest of this season and all of next season. A-Rod is 38 years old. Two years out of the game at this point probably means his career ends when the suspension starts. Good. I want him gone. It’s bad enough that cheating is still rampant in Major League Baseball, but the idea of it’s highest paid player pushing dope to other players is beyond evil. He joins Barry Bonds as the poster children for scum in baseball. Even a gambler on a lifetime ban like Peter Rose can feel comfortable looking down his nose at a jerk like A-Rod.

I feel anger toward every player who gets caught cheating. I don’t look at the two recent Red Sox World Series wins in quite the rosey way I used to now that I know that Manny Ramirez and (probably) David Ortiz were using. It has taken a great deal of fun out of the game of Baseball for me. Still, when players are straight with us I am willing to put it behind me. Ryan Braun will probably be the exception after the way he handled his failed test. Now he’s all apologetic, but for you it’s too little too late. The other 12 players who took their punishment yesterday will come back and all will be right again, assuming they stay off of the crap.

Rodriguez though, like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens before him, is dead to me. He’s taking money over integrity. Cash over self respect. The hell with him. I hope his appeal is denied and he never plays another game. Even though he was a Yankee and a member of the Evil Empire, I once thought of him as the guy who would erase Barry Bonds from the all time home run record book. Sure he comes off like a putz in the personality department, but he’s the best player in the game. If anyone can topple that juiced up cheater Bonds it’s A-Rod. Not anymore. Bonds… Rodriguez… One in the same. I hope they both go away and never come back.

Ryan Braun Sure Looks Like a Douche Now

Way to go Ryan Braun. Let’s recap. MVP season, followed by humongous contract with the Brewers, followed by a flunked drug test with it’s mandatory 50 game suspension, followed by an appeal, followed by a rescinding of the suspension due to the test being mishandled, followed by a connection to Biogenesis, followed by a 65 game suspension for violating the leagues drug policies.

Ryan, you tool. You got off! You got to keep your 8 million and whatever dollars! You got to keep your NL MVP award! Why didn’t you just keep your mouth shut and play nicely? Remember last season when the first suspension was announced? This guy denied and denied and pissed and moaned and I swear, not a single baseball fan with a brain believed a single word he said, but he kept on bitching and denying and blah blah blah I didn’t do it yadda yadda yadda. Urgh. If he had just fessed up to it. Yup, I’m a doper. Punish me. It would have all gone away. You would have had a long vacation and then everyone would have taken you back and you and your Brewers could go back to the national obscurity you are all used to.

But no.

Ryan made a huge stink and then after he magically got off (the only player to do so, thusfar) he kept at it and now there is enough documented proof to warrant a new suspension. What does he say to us now? I’ve made mistakes. No shit, Sherlock. Urgh, it just makes me so mad. You signed an eight million and something dollar deal and somehow beat an unbeatable suspension and STILL you’re messing with this crap. Take your money. Be a good player in Milwaukee instead of a great player. Work hard but don’t cheat, and all would be if not forgotten then pushed aside. I don’t get it.

So who’s next? A-Rod? Colon? Does it matter? Will the next suspendee do the right thing and just fess up and take the punishment?

There are two ways to deal with steroid allegations. There’s the Andy Pettitte way, and the Roger Clemens way. The two of them were named in the Mitchell report. They were said to have used PEDs together. Pettitte says, Yup ya got me. I’ll be good from now on. Clemens screams and yells and brings in the lawyers and whatnot.

Pettitte is still pitching. Clemens still looks like a douche.

Urgh, baseball. What is wrong with you guys. Do the right thing. Clean your dumb ass selves up. Stop being stupid. Stop dragging my game through the mud. Just stop being idiots.

Major League Baseball Hall of Fame

The new inductees into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame were announced yesterday.  The lucky baseball heroes were…

No one.

I am fine with that.

You can make all sorts of different arguments for and against guys like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds getting into the Hall.  Go ahead.  Argue until you are blue in the face.  The one that works the best for me is saying that this is just an era in baseball history, like the dead ball era, or the color ban era, or whatever.  These are the players who were the elite for their time.  That seems like a fair argument.  I don’t agree, but I’ll give you that one.

The arguments I don’t give you are ones like, everyone did it.  Well, no everyone didn’t.  The league and the hall haven’t banned them so they should get in.  Sure, that’s true that they haven’t been banned, but last time I checked it was the baseball writers who decided who did or did not get in, not the league or the hall.  There are cheaters in the hall already.  Again, true.  Gaylord Perry is the one player most people look at.  My counter argument is that Gaylord Perry and other known cheaters should not be in the hall either.  I believe enshrining them was a mistake.  A mistake that I hope will not be made again any time soon.

There has to be some accountability here.  The league ignored the situation.  The players who weren’t cheating did nothing to stop things or expose those who were (although I always look back at that Mark McGwire interview where he stood in front of his locker with the bottle of andro clearly visible.  Did a teammate set that up?).  The fans ignored the situation too.  We shelled out our money in record amounts to watch a series of lab experiments play baseball.  It’s everyone’s fault.  These hall of fame snubs are just a way for all of us together to acknowledge our own guilt.

Bonds, Clemens, Sosa, you guys are guilty.  No hall of fame for you.  Major League Baseball you are guilty, you get to spend years dealing with the negative press and PR relating to your past mistakes.  Fans, we are guilty too.  We get to deal with the fact that we allowed ourselves to be duped like a bunch of chumps and now we don’t get to see our favorite players honored the way our parents did.  There is plenty of this shame to go around.

Now, having said all of that… Let’s be real.  Most of these guys are going to get in eventually.  Unless the league or the hall itself decide to ban them, these guys who were snubbed yesterday are going to be inducted someday.  It will just take a while.  The simple fact is that it’s too soon.  The guilt everyone feels over this needs time to lessen.  Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, et all are going to be in the hall eventually.  They just need to be patient.  They just need to give us time to heal a little first.

Of course, if these people were capable of being patient and accepting reality none of this would have happened.  So… yeah.

Oh, and one more thing.  I don’t want to hear any bitching out of Craig Biggio.  You were not lumped in with the cheaters.  You were lumped in with the hundreds of players who came before you who were ignored by the majority of baseball writers on their first ballot.  I think you are a borderline hall of famer, but I am guessing you’ll get in.  You are just going to have to wait a while.  Probably not next year but eventually.  You aren’t going to lose support and fall off the ballot.  You’re there and you’ll probably get in.  The same goes for Jeff Bagwell, although the shadow of steroids is going to fall on any player who looks like a musclebound gym rat.  Mike Piazza… offensively you deserve to be there, but defensively… that could keep you out.  You always did sort of suck as a catcher, even when you were knocking the cover off the ball.  I think you get in too, but you might have a harder road.

And Jack Morris?  Next year, buddy.  Next year.