I’m freaking Out

Dad is being discharged at 3:00. The home health aid is coming at 2:30. I am freaking out. Totally freaking out.

Shit has been going on all day at work. None of it is freak-out-worthy, but all of it is freaking me out. I tried to go to lunch at 1:00 but I had 45 minutes solid where I got call after call after call and couldn’t stop.

I am totally fucking freaking out.

Good Morning

Last night at the parental abode was okay. She was asleep before 9:00pm and didn’t wake up until a little before 5:00am. I didn’t go to sleep until crazy late. It’s just so damn hard to let my guard down. I woke up when she got out of bed but I was able to fall asleep for another hour or so. I failed to hit the five hour mark in total, but what I got was probably okay.

Normally when I get up for the day I switch the alarm on the front door to chime mode so I can open the door during the work day without setting off the end of the world level cacophony. Now that I know she’s bolted twice this week I don’t think I can do that. I have to remember to switch the alarm off when I open the door for the regular 9-10am delivery. If I forget… that’s going to suck.

I did manage to close my three activity rings yesterday. That’s good. Two days down, infinity to go. It’s going to be tough to do it today. The only place I can do it without feeling like the house is going to collapse is the cellar, and I can’t really sneak off to the cellar while working/nana sitting.

My father is coming home today. I’m scared shitless. I can’t even believe how scared shitless I am. Why am I not happy? He’s coming home, I should be happy.

Overnight Shift

It’s pretty quiet tonight. Possibly because the memory issues shit hit the fan before I got here. A few weeks ago she tried to leave the house and ended up walking down route 38 for a while before turning back. Magically she made it back to the house without getting lost.

As a result we installed alarms on the doors. When they go off they ring at something like 110 decibels. You can probably hear them from space*. Apparently, twice in the last two days, including just before I got here tonight, she has left the house and set off the alarm and didn’t even notice. Yesterday she went outside to get the newspaper. She told my sister she had no intention of ever leaving on her own. Today she went outside to see if the car keys were in the car because she wanted to drive home**. Note, the car keys are not in the car, they are locked up in a case inside the house and she doesn’t have the combination.

After that she came back inside and went to bed. I woke her up for her 8:00pm meds and she stayed up for half an hour or so and then went back to bed. She’s been sound asleep ever since. Fingers crossed she continues to have a quiet night. My father is coming home tomorrow. His insurance has shut him off, but the rehab place says he’s ready anyway. My brother and sister have both seen him and say he’s infinitely better than he was when he came home last time. I believe them but I am still terrified. I guess I have to see it with my own eyes.

The potential for a shitty day tomorrow is high. The potential for a good day is also high but I am in full on glass-half-empty mode and I may never recover from it.

Shit.


*I understand that sound does not travel through a vacuum. Come on, man, it was just an expression. I got an A in Physics in college, thank you very much.

**She says she needs to go home, but she is home. This house has been her home for 52 years. My sister was told by a memory care professional that for some reason the idea of “home” is a common theme for memory patients. Oh goodie. Shit.

It’s Monday

It’s Monday, and Monday sucks.

I mowed the entire lawn yesterday, front and back. My body will likely never forgive me. I just vacuumed up the lake in the cellar. It wasn’t as bad as it was last week, and there was a whole extra day worth of build up so I think there is improvement. I had to empty the wet vac and carrying that out of the bulkhead is painful. Carrying the dehumidifier tank is painful too, but not nearly as much.

Suffice to say, I’m a hurtin’ red head today.

It’s a nana sitting night tonight, and tomorrow’s nana sitting work day will also be a papa sitting day too as we’re expecting him to come home. The last time he came home we were all so happy, right up until the moment when we realized how much nursing care he still needed and from there it was awful. Not to imply that we weren’t happy he was home, just to say that none of us are trained health care workers and it was incredibly difficult. I am seriously hoping it’s better this time. Fingers crossed.

I wanted to do car music this morning but had too many other things to do. I have one song ready to mix and I’ll probably do it at my mother’s house tonight. It’s a 12-bar blues and it’s not good. Not good at all. It’s a song though and it counts.

Okay, going to work now. Mondays suck.

Sad Sigh

My parents celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary this week. We made as big a deal as we could, given the circumstances. My sister brought my mother to the rehab hospital to visit my father and they were both over the moon happy.

My parents were on the phone with each other a few minutes ago. I overheard her ask him how long have they been married. She sounded surprised when he answered. Then she asked how much older she is than him.

Then she asked me if he was my father for the second time today and the third time since I got here last night.

I can’t take much more of this.

Wednesday Morning

Happy Wednesday everyone. I’m not sure why, but I woke up pretty convinced it was Friday. I even checked YouTube to see if there was a new episode of That Pedal Show. That is not what I would call a positive omen for the remainder of the week.

I posted already that mom was asleep before 9:00pm last night and that one of the mouse traps was tripped without catching anything. I was asleep by 11:30 and hoping that I might be able to snag a six hour night. Not quite.

I woke up about 1:45am. I’m not sure what it was that woke me up, but my mother was awake too. She got up to turn off the light in the kitchen (the same one that she leaves on most nights) and when she saw that I was awake she asked for a pain pill. I was pretty nervous that the boom was about to be lowered right onto us but she did go back to bed right away. She didn’t go to sleep. She sat up in the dark for a while, then turned on the light, then after a short time turned it off again. I sat up waiting for some sign that she was asleep. It didn’t really come. I was still up at 2:45 and made the judgement call that things had been quiet for long enough that I could sleep.

I woke up once more, about an hour and a half later, but fell right back to sleep. The alarm woke me up at 6:00. I’ve been taking overnight nana sitting shifts since… April? I think? That was the first time I have needed the alarm. Every other time I’ve woken up at some grotesquely early hour and just stayed up. While it’s true that the alarm on my iPad scared the ever loving shit out of me when it went off, it was nice to have needed it. I still only ended up with about 5.5 hours of sleep. I was really hoping to hit six. Six hours is a bit of a magic number. 6.5 is noticeably better, and 7+ is the goal, but six is nice.

Anyway. It’s almost time for work. The doors have been switched from alarm to chime, the 8:00am pills have been taken (though she’s complaining about pain already… come on morning pain med, kick in!), the mousetrap has been reset (though I think the trigger was bent a little when it snapped closed last night and it seems to be hanging on by a thread right now. Is that good? Does that mean it will take less pressure from Mickey to close again? Or is it bad because Mickey won’t be in a good position when it goes off and he’ll get away again?), and the universe has been updated with the goings on at Chez Parental.

Time for work. Have a good one, everyone. I’ll check in later. I’m sure you can’t wait.

Bedtime

My mother was asleep by 9:00 tonight. Thank goodness. There was no pain outbreak. Now we just have to hope she sleeps through the night.

One of the mouse traps was tripped about an hour ago. Nothing in it. There is still at least one Mickey among us. Great. I paid for a single but I guess I have a roommate.

I’m going to sleep. Fingers crossed I can get 6-7 hours of good sleep. Yippee.

Patiently Waiting

Here I sit, patiently waiting…

Patiently waiting for the severe thunderstorm to wipe us off the map.

Patiently waiting for my mother’s pain issues to come out and play for the night. She has already shown the initial signs.

Patiently waiting for Covid to go away so that we can go on vacation. Jen and I had a precious few minutes together after work and before I had to leave and we spent it watching a Disney World youtube channel. I wanna travel again.

Patiently waiting to go home, but I’ve got about 22 hours or so before that happens.

Okay, it’s time for the 8:00 o’clock pills. I’ll check in again later. Happy trails.

Don’t Wanna

I don’t want to go to my parents house tonight. I don’t wanna go I don’t wanna go I don’t wanna go.

*sigh*

My brother was there last night and he had a rough time. Not for the usual reasons though. There was a power line down just a little way down the road from the house. I heard it actually caused a fire. Power was out for hours. That means no air conditioner. No fan. No wifi. Hell, in other words. Mom’s pain went bad right after the power outage started too, just to make things worse.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don’t let things go that bad for me tonight.

I got six hours of sleep last night, which is okay, but there was a full hour of being awake stuck into the middle of it all. That means I’m tired today. I’m feeling all the stress. Even the stress that I normally manage to keep at bay. It’s all hitting me right now and I haven’t even left the house yet. Shit.

I don’t have any 50/90 music ready to be worked on tonight. I can’t play guitar there, and everything that has guitar and needs vocals already has the vocal parts written. If I’m to get any work done it’s going to have to be new bass lines. Oh well.

I’m tired and I’m stressed and I just want to go to bed for 18 hours or so.