Bad Day

Today has been a painful, emotional, difficult day. I’ll give details later, probably, but just know that as bad days go… this was one.

As I’ve done previously over the past couple of weeks, I am sharing cat pictures to distract myself from bad things. Enjoy my deflection…

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The cats are turning our house into a messy house.

I’m Confused and Conflicted and I Don’t Know What to Do

It looked like Mom took a turn for the worse last night. We all rushed over to her again and watched as her breathing got labored and she was moaning and rattling. Visiting hours ended. I could have stayed overnight again but I had to sleep and didn’t want to take up one of the three overnight visiting slots so I went home and went to bed. I slept for nearly eight hours but still feel exhausted. I also thought it was okay to leave because I had a gut feeling…

…and I was right. As the night wore on the breathing became more normal and the rattling almost stopped. She’s back to where she was when I stayed overnight on Friday/Saturday. I have to go back to work. I can’t miss a huge chunk of a third consecutive week. My boss and my boss’ boss both told me it was okay, but I can’t continue to do this for my own reasons. My conscience won’t let me. That means I can’t stay over night during the week either. I just can’t do it anymore.

We had a hospice nurse tell us that parents don’t die in front of their children. They hang on until the kids are out of the room and then go. I don’t believe that is factual at all. Is there anecdotal evidence to support the theory? Yes. Mountains of it. A little internet digging shows that there are zillions of people who claim this happened to them. Is there scientific evidence? Not that I see. I think people attribute cosmic interference to pure coincidence. Having said that, maybe it’s time to give in and embrace the anecdotes. Maybe it’s time to devote less time to the vigil.

I know what I have to do but I fucking hate that I am even considering it. I just want her to be at peace. I want her suffering to end.

Nine Month Weigh In

I got to the hospice facility at around 10:00am on Friday morning and didn’t leave until after 8:00am on Saturday morning. I can’t take that again. I just can’t handle it. My body and my brain are starting to rebel against the idea.

Fortunately it did not affect today’s monthiversary weigh in. You know it. Today is February 4th, my step son’s 20th birthday and my nephew’s 12th birthday, so it’s time for the monthly weigh in. On Wednesday for the weekly I weighed 226.8 pounds. Today, just three days later, I weigh 224.4. A difference of 2.4 pounds in three days. Yikes.

Total weight lost since the surgery nine months ago, 207 pounds. Total weight lost since the first check in on January 19, 2022, 227.6 pounds. My BMI went from 27.6 to 27.3.

Initially after the surgery my weigh loss goal was to weigh less than 400 pounds. When I achieved that my goal became weigh less than 300 pounds. When I achieved that my goal became lose 200 pounds since surgery. When I achieved that… what? I guess the goal now is to enter what the folks in the bariatric surgery facebook groups call Onederland. That is drop below 200 pounds and enter the 100 pound universe. I still have a ways to go before I get there. After that the goal is going to be get my BMI below 25. That will hit at about 190 pounds.

I’m optimistic I can reach those lofty goals. Onederland, here I come.

Two Cat Household

Nothing new with my mother. She’s in a dedicated hospice facility and the room is 1000000 times better than her room at Lawrence General. Her breathing is rough. She doesn’t seem to be bothered by it, but it is super tough to listen too.

In other news, we have two cats now.

Robin:

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Lily:

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Here we see both of them in the same image. What were they doing? They were watching The Bachelor. I mean their eyes were glued to the screen. It was a little unsettling.

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Coming to the End

I got about an hour of sleep last night after work but before I went over to the hospital. I got maybe 20 minutes of sleep overnight as I was taking the night shift of staying with my mother. When I got home I got maybe another hour of sleep. I punched in to work a little before 1:00 and was almost immediately told that my mother’s doctor is saying she’s coming to the end of the line. He expects that she will go either tonight or tomorrow.

Jen and I are going to go over once we get out of work, which for me is in just a few minutes (I’m leaving early) and for her was still up in the air, but won’t be too long. I am not planning to stay over night again. I just can’t do it. I will be back as soon as I can tomorrow morning though, and I will be available to bring my father back and forth as much as he needs.

The doctor said if we haven’t said our goodbyes yet, we should. I had a moment of clarity from my mother that was all I ever needed. I told her I loved her as I was leaving the ER last Tuesday and she said she loved me too. Given the advanced state of her dementia, that was pretty much the greatest thing that could happen. I am never going to forget that moment. On Friday last week we had another moment where my father and my brother and sister and I were all in the room with her saying goodbye. At that time we all thought the end was upon us and we didn’t realize she was going to hang on for another week… she’s a tough old gal, my mom. I will never forget that moment either.

I will never get a better goodbye than either of those moments. I will hang onto them forever.

Send my mother some happy thoughts tonight, if you would.

Hard Time

I am having a hard time with the state of the universe today. It’s just difficult. Everything. Here are some pics from the gas station this morning on the way to work to try and distract me from all of the shit.

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In happier news, Lily the kitten got out of the room we were hiding her in this morning. We were probably going to let her out today to see how the two cats handled integration. All is well. They have integrated. Robin the mother cat is adorable. Lily the kitten is adorable times 10.

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I am going to go take a nap. I’m the overnight shift tonight.

Week 39 Weigh In

After last week’s huge weekly loss I was expecting to be up a little this week in a sort of universe-correcting-itself way. Nope. I am down. I’m not down a lot, but that’s sort of a universe correcting itself thing too. Last week I was 227.8. This week I am 226.8. A difference of one, beautiful, glorious pound. I will take it. A small loss is better than even the tiniest of gains, right?

My BMI went from 27.7 to 27.6. My weight lost since the surgery is now 204.6. My weight lost since the first weigh in is now 225.2. None of those numbers are milestones, but I have to say that for some reason that 225 looks like a really happy thing. I can live with that.

Given the chaos surrounding my mother’s situation right now I am not sure if I am going to be eating terribly healthy over the next few days at least. That could lead to a gain next week due to overdoing it, or another huge loss due to seriously under doing it. We’re going to have to wait and see.

Until then, I am going to enjoy this week’s single pound while it lasts.

No News

I was able to get about 7.5 hours of sleep last night and that was very much needed. I didn’t get any news about mom overnight. My sister was there last night. I think my next overnight is tomorrow. My brother, Jen, and I got to meet with the doctor yesterday afternoon and he reiterated to us that every patient in this situation is different, so we don’t really have any signs to point to that will tell us how things are progressing. She’s in Care Measures Only, or Hospice right now so it’s just a waiting game.

I just heard from my sister that, as I suspected by the lack of text messages, overnight was quiet. We will see how things go today. I am going to try and work through the morning. We will see how that goes too. Hopefully I’ll be able to get Dad to see her again today. He isn’t able to stay for long, but I hope we can get him as much time with her as we can.