Category: health

Blank

It’s early but I’m all bundled up in bed. I’m just exhausted. I need shit around me to calm down so I can stop feeling like I’m failing everyone who needs me and stuff.

I was really tired this afternoon but I was somehow able to stop drinking caffeinated beverages at 3:00. That’s always the goal on work days but I’ve been failing for the last week or so. Here’s hoping it leads to better sleep tonight.

We watched Loki. I haven’t a clue as to what’s going on, but I’m a lot more into it now than I was the other two Disney+ Marvel shows after two episodes. Here’s hoping that’s a good sign for the next four weeks.

Other than that I’m kinda feeling blank and empty tonight. I don’t know what I’m doing or anything. I’m just sitting up in bed mentally flaking. Maybe that’s a good thing right now. Maybe.

Lunch Break

Lunch break on a Wednesday. We’ve been talking about the desks in our new building today. March 13, 2020 was the last day at our desks in the Waltham building. Two months ago the Waltham building was sold. Now we have desks in another building but prior to this morning none of us had gone to check it out. One guy went today and reported back that none of our stuff from Waltham has made it to the new desks yet. Uh oh. The upside is that some of us might be getting new monitors out of the deal. I had two when we left. They were both old and less than good. This could work out for me.

Wait… didn’t I write something about not talking about work?

The AC folks have come and gone. The window for their arrival was between 7:00 and 11:00. They knocked on the door at 10:50. His first question was, would you like me to wear a mask? Yes, yes I would. Thanks. It was just a routine cleaning and the AC in the wall in the bedroom clearly benefitted from it because it’s working like crazy now. It’s actually cold in here. I haven’t spent much time in the rest of the house yet so I don’t have any news from that front yet.

The tech said the wall unit in the bedroom was pretty old. Huh? It was installed three years ago. How is that old? Was it sitting on some warehouse shelf for a decade before it was installed in our house? Worse… was it used?

My father is in the hospital again. Day two. My brother is with him. The idea is to move him back into a rehab so that he can get back to a point where he can take care of himself better than he can now… which he can’t. He asked to have some of his more common aches and pains looked at while he was in there. Good idea. No real news on any front yet. Hopefully he’ll be in a new rehab quickly and he can get back to working on getting better. I am scared and worried and stressed and wracked with guilt and I am just overwhelmed with it all… and I’m not the one in the hospital bed. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels. I hate this. I want my dad to be better again.

So Covid is over, right? The world is opened up again, right? People are still getting sick and people are still dying, but it’s all over, right? I’m thinking about things that I can do that were put on hold. Vacations would be first on that list but we have two college kids now and we are out of money. I already had a haircut, but I need another one because my hair grows faster than light. I need to get my eyes checked. Jen has done that already but see the previous sentence regarding money. I may have to ride out my old glasses for a little while longer. There is a guitar and an amplifier that I’d like to trade in. It depends on how much I can get for each item, but if I can get a used ’68 Deluxe Reverb or a used Les Paul Junior in exchange, I might. I don’t know how that will go.

Okay, time to clean up my lunch and get back to work. The hope is we will be watching episode two of Loki by 6:00pm. Four hours or so from now. Fingers crossed.

Wish my dad good luck, okay? Thanks.

Sleepless

Trouble sleeping again tonight. I tried watching a couple of shows on Hulu and I started messing with a simple new song idea.

I’m guessing the sleep issues stem from the combination of soul crushing guilt and too much caffeine during the work day trying to compensate for the previous night’s lack of sleep.

It’s midnight and the alarm is set for 6:00am. If I sleep now I can get a solid six hours. That’s usually a good night for me, but 7-8 hours is better.

Okay, I’m going to lay down and try again, though the cat is meowing up a storm. Wish me luck, dear readers.

Lights out. Sweet dreams.

Back in the ER

I just got word. My father is back in the ER. The never ending hospital stay ramps up for round three.

I feel like the whole family is just beaten down. It’s not even my ass in the hospital bed. I can’t imagine how my father feels right now.

It’s just overwhelming and heart breaking and I want my family back.

Changes Coming?

It’s starting to look like my father might be heading back to a rehabilitation hospital soon. It’s all up in the air, but it’s trending that way.

I feel completely overwhelmed, and I’ve been there a tiny fraction of the time my siblings have been there. I can’t imagine how they’ve held on. I feel like the phrase that describes how I feel might be shell shocked but that’s probably not right.

I never would have thought going back to the hospital would feel like a positive step, but it does. That is just heart breaking.

Weight Loss Surgery

A few years ago I had my doctor refer me to a bariatric surgery information session. I went, and then booked the first consult. Not long after I canceled the consult. I just chickened out.

I think I’m going to start the process over again. I think it’s time to take a serious look. At my age, the time for screwing around with my health is long over.

I’m scared shitless, of course, but I’m going to do it.

Wish me luck.

No Bottom

Word of advise:

Don’t tell yourself that it can’t get any worse than it already is because it absolutely can. You might think you’re at rock bottom but then the universe shows up with a huge, cosmic shovel and proves you wrong.

Just letting you all in on that secret. You’re welcome, folks!

Sleepy

We are hoping everyone in both houses gets a good nights sleep. Everyone but me, that is. I’m taking the first watch, so to speak.

I’m pretty sleepy though, and I’m losing the fight to stay awake, not even a cool video on Burst Les Pauls can keep me going.

Graduation is tomorrow. Time to rest up, I think.

Bad Day

So this little bloggie is turning into quite the pity party, eh? Oh well, what are you gonna do?

Bad day so far today. It’s calming down now. No details and everyone and everything is fine. I need to relax and breathe and normalize and reset. I had myself a pretty heavy balling-my-eyes-out-breakdown today, and not the kind of breakdown that goes in the middle of the song for the lead guitarist to shred over.

Breathe, fat boy
Breathe, fat boy
Breathe, fat boy

Probably Jinxing Myself

It’s been quiet here tonight. Dad has been okay. He hasn’t gotten out of bed which is good for my stress level but not so good for his recovery. He needs to get some strength back in his legs and staying in bed is not going to get him there. I’ll see if I can coax him up during the odd coffee break tomorrow.

My mother was in a lot of pain when I got here, but after her last round of meds she went to bed and has been sleeping soundly ever since.

I got a jump on the work day by setting up my computer and everything I need for tomorrow tonight. The last blog post was written on my MacBook while sitting in the living room. This one is being written on my work issued HP while sitting at the workspace in the dining room. That cheap little USB fan is running and as always it is glorious.

I still need to set up my CPAP machine in the living room. I will have to do it in the dark as dad is in there sleeping. I’ve heard the odd snore, so he’s definitely asleep. Mostly I am sitting here writing this because I am waiting for my iPhone and my Apple Watch to charge before I turn in. On previous trips here I would setup a power strip near the couch I sleep on and plug everything in there. It’s not easy to do now as we had a hospital bed setup in that room yesterday and all of the places I would sit things on while they charged have been replaced with piles and piles of stuff. I don’t want to sit a power strip or a laptop on top of that stuff as I’m not sure if any of it might be a fire hazard or not. Shoot me for being extra cautions. So now I’ll just use one plug for the CPAP machine and keep my phone next to the machine with an alarm set. Of all the times I’ve been here over the last couple of months, I have never actually needed the alarm. I’ve always managed to be up long before it goes off. That’s not necessarily a good thing.

I thought about trying to write a little music while I sit here waiting. I have the MacBook and GarageBand with me after all. No… I can’t get into it. I feel too uncomfortable with headphones on.

Okay. I am going to start the turning in process now. Wish me luck.