Month: August 2021

Nothing Going Down

It’s 3:00pm here in the Tewksbury at the parent sitting shift. I’m tired. I got a decent night’s sleep last night but I’m tired. I’m trying to keep my brain occupied. I did a little music, I watched an Orville, I have done a couple of chores, I’ve written slightly more than one blog post, I read my wife’s latest blog post. It’s not working for me today. I just want to go home.

The home health care professional who is on duty today is trying to push my parents into being a little more active. She tried to get them to watch a movie together, with a small amount of temporary success, she’s trying to get my mother to go through the stacks of shit they have hoarded in the living room, she’s trying to get them to eat better, and she even asked them if they have any board games they’d like to play. The word you’re looking for here is heroic, even if they haven’t bitten at any of the bait.

Part of me is feeling overwhelmed by all of this. Part of me just feels like sitting back and letting it all crash down. Like… not indifferent, just no longer willing to try. No, that’s not right… not unwilling to try, more like… no longer wanting to care. I just want it over. I know that if I start thinking about a life after parent sitting then something will go wrong and we’ll reboot and be right back at square one again and I can’t deal with that. That wouldn’t feel overwhelming, that would feel like a catastrophic collapse of all brain function.

I miss my wife so much my heart hurts. It hasn’t been 24 hours since I left home last night but it feels like decades. I just miss her so much. Maybe I’ll grab myself a pile of hoarded shit and just take it outside and dump it in the garbage. I wonder, would that feel good or would it be heartbreaking? I can’t even venture a guess anymore.

Okay, I have about three hours left. I think I need to occupy myself with something non-computer related. Maybe that will make the three hours fly by. Doubtful. We’ll see.

Still Quiet on the Parental Front

Things are still quiet here. All is pretty much well. Did I just jinx it? I seem to be doing that a lot these days.

I filled the pill caddies today for both of my parents. That is a job for whoever (whomever?) is here on Saturday morning. It stresses me out, but today was the first time I had to do my father’s pills and I was trying to use an outdated meds list. Nothing in the pill case matched what was on the list, and nothing on the list matched the case. The list I was looking at was from late 2020 and he did spend six months in and out of the hospital in 2021 so I couldn’t say for sure it was up to date. My sister straightened me out. There was a new list. I was all set from there.

Seeing as tomorrow there is a risk of us getting spanked by an actual hurricane, we thought it wise to get the grocery order in today rather than wait for tomorrow. I thought that my mother wrote the grocery list and it just got forwarded on to me and then Jen used her super deluxe instacart account to place the order. I’m still 99% sure that’s how it worked, but when I asked my mother for a list today she got really nervous about it. She was happy to do it, but kept asking me to double check her work. I guess she doesn’t generally do it alone? Or she just forgot that she does it alone? She put a couple of things on the order that she probably didn’t need, and left a couple of things off that would probably be good to get, and she put one thing on the order that she’s not allowed to eat. I called her on it and she said it wasn’t for her, it was for everyone else. Riiiiiight.

Only one memory issue today, and it was a common one. Mom mentioned that someone was having a birthday this week. I said it was my baby brother. She asked how he was my baby brother. I said I was six years older than he was so he’s the baby. Then she asked who our parents were. Did we have the same parents? Yes, you and dad. She asked if she gave birth to us. Yup. We’ve gone over this quite a bit over the last four months. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s sort of normal.

On my home front, my beloved bride told me she woke up with a bad headache today. I was I could be there to help her out. I hate that I am not there for her. I really hate it.

Just keep focusing on home, Robert. Something like 6-7 hours before the next shift starts and you can go home. Just hang in there.

Stressfully Quiet

It really looked like my mother was going to have a super bad night tonight, but she somehow managed to fall asleep and she’s been out like a light for about half an hour now. Dad is asleep on the hospital bed in the living room. The Red Sox game is still on. If he stays asleep I should be able to take the remote from him. Unless he moves it, of course.

Despite the apparent ease of the evening, I have been stressed out like crazy. No real reason. The half deaf conversations are tough to handle (what did you say? No, what did you say? What?) but it shouldn’t be enough to generate this level of stress. So what is it?

I don’t know, but I think it might just be that I am reaching my limit. I maybe have already reached the limit and gone way past it. I’m not sure. Let’s just get through tonight and tomorrow, and then I can have a stormy, hurricaney day on Sunday, and then we get to spend two days with Bellana.

Come on, Robert. Just focus on the college kid coming home. Focus on the college kid coming home.

Only Two Days Left

Harry just left for his father’s house. He will be there for five days before coming back here on Wednesday.

He’s here on Wednesday and Thursday, and then he moves into his dorm on Friday.

There are only two days left.

Sad face because he’s going away. Excited face because I can’t wait for him to take on college and frankly make it his bitch.

More Hurricane Fun

We could be getting hit with an actual hurricane on Sunday. We got hit with the dying remains of one yesterday, and now here comes Henri. Read about it here.

So we had rain almost every day in July. August has been better, but still ridiculously rainy. Our cellar has had water in it for over a month now, and here comes an honest to goodness hurricane.

How’s about a big giant fuck you to mother nature, huh? I think she’s earned it. Asshole.

In honor of this meteorological kick in the balls, here is a song inspired by a hurricane…

…and here is another song inspired by a different hurricane…

Finally Some Progress

I did some singing in the car today and while I am still a terrible singer and still don’t particularly enjoy singing, I feel a lot better than I did yesterday.

I had three songs ready for vocals and four (I said three in my post last night but it was actually four) that had lyrics but no guitars. I finished the three that were ready and one of the ones that wasn’t quite ready. It didn’t go well, but it is good progress and I haven’t made any real progress in a full week. Sigh of relief.

I go to my parents house tonight and I will be there all day tomorrow so no guitar until Sunday. I need to make some serious time for it on Sunday. It’s important. Yesterday was the half way point of the 50/90 project and while I am doing well (38 in the pipeline, 21 of which are finished), I was hoping I would be further along. I am afraid I am losing steam.

I did not, however, take a picture on the way home so… I guess this car music post is finished.

Planning for Tomorrow

I did some 50/90 work tonight. I wrote lyrics to a couple of songs and generally tried to set myself up for some car singing tomorrow. I have three songs that are ready for vocals, meaning they have rhythm guitars tracked and melodies and lyrics written. There are three other songs that don’t have rhythm guitars but do have melodies and lyrics. I added some awful sounding midi guitar tracks to use as guides so I can add vocals out of order.

Now I just have to wake up early tomorrow morning and do it… and it’s 11:33 right now so with each passing moment the chances of getting up early tomorrow get slimmer and slimmer.

So why am I typing this?