Tag: mom

Getting Through the Prep Work

My brother and sister and I met last night to work on the planning for the funeral. We picked music and readings and started asking cousins to play the various parts. We have one reader but still need one more. We have three pall bearers but still need three more. We have offers out for the remaining parts and are just waiting to hear back.

Jen and I were a little late getting out of the house. I called my father to let him know we’d be late for the planned suit fitting and he said he was tired and asked if we could reschedule to tomorrow, which is now today. I put in for a couple of hours at the end of the day so that we can head over earlier. Jen is off today so it should all work out. That still gives us the weekend to replace anything we bought that doesn’t fit him. We’re still in good shape.

I’ve been really hungry the last couple of days. My meals have gotten significantly larger and I’ve had more between meal snacks. I have to assume it’s an emotional thing. The good news is that yesterday I had actual food with every meal. I had protein supplements along with each meal, but that was just to make sure I hit my goal. Eggs for breakfast and chicken for lunch and dinner. I also had peanuts as snacks instead of protein bars. It wasn’t a lot of snack-level protein intake, but it felt pretty good to do it that way.

No music last night. Not sure if tonight will be any different. I am 2/5 of the way through Star Trek Picard season 1 episode 6 though. I’m more than 25% of the way through the two season rewatch with season three kicking off in six days. Probably not going to make it unless I do an alarmingly intense binge over the weekend. Of course The Mandalorian season three kicks off on March 1st. Can I follow the two season Picard rewatch with a 2+ season Mandalorian rewatch by 3/1? (2+ seasons due to the two episodes where The Mandalorian hijacked The Book of Boba Fett, right?)

Right then. Time to start getting ready for work. Talk to you later. Parents, tell your kids you love them. Kids, tell your parents you love them.

Planning

My mother passed away on Sunday. On Monday, my brother and sister and I met with the funeral director. He gave us a packet of homework. We need to pick readings and music and some other things related to the funeral service. I didn’t do much on Tuesday or Wednesday. We’ve had some discussions on things over text but nothing concrete from me. I am getting back into the swing of it tonight. We bought a suit for my father on Monday. We’re (Jen and I) going to him tonight to let him try it on. It’s probably not going to fit very well, but hopefully it’s close enough. After that, we’re having a meeting to go over the homework. Speaking as an Atheist, I don’t have a lot of interest in the readings that happen during the mass. I’ll give my $0.02 but I might have more input on the music. There is one song that was played at my grandmother’s funeral that brought my mother to tears. That one will be included. They played it at my Aunt’s funeral a few months ago as well, for exactly the same reason.

It might be a mildly long night tonight. We’ll see. I am working today and need to try and have actual food for dinner at some point. I’ve been so dependent on protein bars and supplements for the last few weeks that I expect my stomach to start rebelling at any moment. I just had eggs for breakfast and I hope to have some chicken for lunch. Dinner… we’ll see.

With all of this going on I am starting to think that my RPM Challenge success streak is in jeopardy. Not that that matters at all. I am, however, about to finish season one, episode three of Star Trek Picard. Maybe I should have been working on some recording instead of watching TV. Forgive me, I am a little screwed up right now. Working on Tuesday and Wednesday was a little tough but the normalcy felt pretty good after the insanity of the last couple of weeks. I’m working from home today and tomorrow and then taking three days of bereavement time on Monday through Wednesday next week. I am allowed to take five days, but I don’t want to. I was even hesitant about taking the third day, but I think it will come in handy, mental health wise.

Okay, it’s time to start getting ready for work. Wish me luck today.

Ellen Parker 1940-2023

My mother passed away on Sunday afternoon. I might give details someday, but not today. Here is her obituary, copied from the Farmer and Dee Funeral Home website.

Ellen M. (Powers) Parker, age 82, a resident of Tewksbury for over 50 years, passed away at the High Pointe Hospice House in Haverhill on Sunday, February 5, 2023. 

She was the beloved wife of Robert J. Parker, Sr. with whom she celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary on July 29, 2022. 

Born in Boston on September 26, 1940, she was the daughter of the late John T. Powers and the late Bridget M. (Murphy) Powers. 

Ellen was raised in the St. Peter’s Parish neighborhood of Dorchester. She attended local schools and graduated from St. Patrick’s Parochial High School. 

In 1969, she and her husband moved to Tewksbury where they raised their three children. 

Ellen was an original employee at the Tewksbury location of Calvert’s clothing store where she worked for many years. Prior to her retirement, Ellen was employed by Segue Manufacturing Services in Lowell, where she worked as a bookkeeper. 

Ellen was an active communicant, supporter, and former Religious Education (C.C.D.) teacher of St. William’s Parish in Tewksbury. 

She enjoyed reading, working as a poll worker for the Tewksbury annual town elections, following her beloved Boston sports teams, as well as volunteering her time to the Tewksbury Music Association as a band parent, as a Camp Fire Girls leader, and Tewksbury Youth Baseball. 

Ellen will lovingly be remembered for her devotion to her family, church, and community. 

In addition to her husband, Ellen is survived by three children, Lisa E. Desrochers and her husband Ken, of Ayer, Robert J. Parker, Jr. and his wife Jennifer, of Methuen, and John T. Parker and his wife Mary, of North Chelmsford: six grandchildren, Patrick R. and Brian P. Desrochers, Bellana E. and Harry W. Driscoll, and Sarah E. and John T. Parker, Jr. She was the sister of James Powers and his wife Mary, of Abington, Nancy Creed and her husband John, of Kingston, and the late John P. Powers and the late Joan Fasanello and her late husband John. Ellen was the sister-in-law of the late John H. Parker, Jr. She leaves many nieces, nephews, and extended family members. 

Calling hours are Monday, February 13th, from 4-8 p.m. at the Farmer & Dee Funeral Home, 16 Lee Street, Tewksbury. Her funeral procession will begin Tuesday, February 14th at 9 a.m. at the funeral home, followed by her Funeral Mass at 10 a.m. at St. William’s Church, 1351 Main Street, Route 38, Tewksbury. Interment will follow at St. Mary Cemetery, 90 River Road, Tewksbury. In lieu of flowers, donations in her memory may be made to the Dementia Society of America at http://www.dementiasociety.org or to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society at http://www.lls.org.

I’m Confused and Conflicted and I Don’t Know What to Do

It looked like Mom took a turn for the worse last night. We all rushed over to her again and watched as her breathing got labored and she was moaning and rattling. Visiting hours ended. I could have stayed overnight again but I had to sleep and didn’t want to take up one of the three overnight visiting slots so I went home and went to bed. I slept for nearly eight hours but still feel exhausted. I also thought it was okay to leave because I had a gut feeling…

…and I was right. As the night wore on the breathing became more normal and the rattling almost stopped. She’s back to where she was when I stayed overnight on Friday/Saturday. I have to go back to work. I can’t miss a huge chunk of a third consecutive week. My boss and my boss’ boss both told me it was okay, but I can’t continue to do this for my own reasons. My conscience won’t let me. That means I can’t stay over night during the week either. I just can’t do it anymore.

We had a hospice nurse tell us that parents don’t die in front of their children. They hang on until the kids are out of the room and then go. I don’t believe that is factual at all. Is there anecdotal evidence to support the theory? Yes. Mountains of it. A little internet digging shows that there are zillions of people who claim this happened to them. Is there scientific evidence? Not that I see. I think people attribute cosmic interference to pure coincidence. Having said that, maybe it’s time to give in and embrace the anecdotes. Maybe it’s time to devote less time to the vigil.

I know what I have to do but I fucking hate that I am even considering it. I just want her to be at peace. I want her suffering to end.

Coming to the End

I got about an hour of sleep last night after work but before I went over to the hospital. I got maybe 20 minutes of sleep overnight as I was taking the night shift of staying with my mother. When I got home I got maybe another hour of sleep. I punched in to work a little before 1:00 and was almost immediately told that my mother’s doctor is saying she’s coming to the end of the line. He expects that she will go either tonight or tomorrow.

Jen and I are going to go over once we get out of work, which for me is in just a few minutes (I’m leaving early) and for her was still up in the air, but won’t be too long. I am not planning to stay over night again. I just can’t do it. I will be back as soon as I can tomorrow morning though, and I will be available to bring my father back and forth as much as he needs.

The doctor said if we haven’t said our goodbyes yet, we should. I had a moment of clarity from my mother that was all I ever needed. I told her I loved her as I was leaving the ER last Tuesday and she said she loved me too. Given the advanced state of her dementia, that was pretty much the greatest thing that could happen. I am never going to forget that moment. On Friday last week we had another moment where my father and my brother and sister and I were all in the room with her saying goodbye. At that time we all thought the end was upon us and we didn’t realize she was going to hang on for another week… she’s a tough old gal, my mom. I will never forget that moment either.

I will never get a better goodbye than either of those moments. I will hang onto them forever.

Send my mother some happy thoughts tonight, if you would.

No News

I was able to get about 7.5 hours of sleep last night and that was very much needed. I didn’t get any news about mom overnight. My sister was there last night. I think my next overnight is tomorrow. My brother, Jen, and I got to meet with the doctor yesterday afternoon and he reiterated to us that every patient in this situation is different, so we don’t really have any signs to point to that will tell us how things are progressing. She’s in Care Measures Only, or Hospice right now so it’s just a waiting game.

I just heard from my sister that, as I suspected by the lack of text messages, overnight was quiet. We will see how things go today. I am going to try and work through the morning. We will see how that goes too. Hopefully I’ll be able to get Dad to see her again today. He isn’t able to stay for long, but I hope we can get him as much time with her as we can.

Overnight

Jen and I spent the night in mom’s hospital room. We both slept a little but not too much. There was no real change in mom’s condition other than she actually seems to have fallen asleep, and that has slowed down her breathing rate.

My sister is planning on getting here around 8:00. We will go home when she gets here, check in briefly with work, check on our pair of cats who don’t like each other very much, and then sleep for a while before heading back to the hospital.

What’s Going On

My mother went to the emergency room on Tuesday morning because the staff at her nursing home felt she was behaving oddly. After a few hours they came back with a surprising and alarming diagnosis, pneumonia. She was admitted on Tuesday morning.

On Thursday night my father and brother were talking and my father said what we were all thinking. Enough. It’s time to start looking at this from a quality of life standpoint and think that we need to just do what we can to make her comfortable. They started talking about hospice care. On Friday morning I went over to my father’s place and we continued the conversation. We’re all on the same page. It’s time to start looking into hospice.

My brother is my mother’s healthcare proxy so he tried getting the ball rolling with the hospital. I was taking my turn staying with my mother and I tried to do what little I could to get the case manager and my brother on the phone with each other. It worked, but it sort of didn’t matter. After they talked, the doctor called him and blew what little planning we had in place to bits and pieces. The pneumonia was likely the result of her being unable to swallow food anymore. They took her off solid food and oral medications. He didn’t say that this was it, but he hinted strongly that this was it. He didn’t tell us to get to the hospital immediately, but he did say he was arranging for a priest to give the last rights.

Obviously we all raced to the hospital. We all broke down and came unglued and balled our eyes out as the reality of the situation hit us. We have no idea how much time she has left, but it isn’t much. Her nurse at the time suggested CMO care, which stands for Comfort Measures Only. Sort of like hospice on steroids, maybe? We agreed to that, while still waiting on the hospice evaluation which was planned tentatively for today, Saturday. She was moved to a private room so that we wouldn’t have to worry about a roommate. We don’t want her to be alone at the end. Her mother was terrified of that when her time came and we want to avoid it for her too. My sister stayed until a little before 5:00am, then my brother took a shift, and then I came on at noon. Jen was with me last night and she came with me today. There were a lot of family visitors too and we were only alone with her for a short time.

At this point she is on a couple of medications that she’s taking IV, but that’s it. Her breathing is difficult but keeping her comfortable is the goal. We don’t know what’s coming next, but we’re preparing ourselves for anything at this point.

And that is what is going on. Jen and I are home to get some dinner but will be going back soon. I am going to try to bring my father back tomorrow. My sister in law got him there today. I want him to get as much time with her as possible.

This is completely awful.