Tag: mom

Tough Day

My stomach and I have not been seeing eye to eye today. I had some problems yesterday that seem to have cleared up by this morning, but there has been a backlash that is trying my patience.

All day today I have been dealing with literal hunger pains. My stomach is empty enough that it hurts. When I try to eat though, it gets rid of the pain but makes me queasy and bloated and uncomfortable. So much so that I have to stop eating. That means that about an hour and a half to two hours after I eat the hunger pain comes back.

I made a small chicken patty and a handful of french fries for lunch. I finished the chicken but could only manage a couple of fries before I had to stop. For dinner I made a hamburger and some tater tots (my wife loves tater tots so I made them for her because she’s amazing and I like making things for her) and I only managed about half of the burger. I just had to stop. Almost exactly an hour after dinner I started feeling the empty stomach blues starting up again so I managed a small snack. Maybe that will hold me over for another hour.

I know that this is going to clear itself up in a day or two (it always does) so I will be fine either tomorrow or the next day. It’s just going to be a long night tonight. I think my stomach is going to make sleeping difficult.

Also, I just want to note this for my own mental health… not that it affects anything or anything… I didn’t write about it yesterday but I thought about it a lot. Yesterday was the second anniversary of my mother’s passing. Maybe my stomach is just manifesting feeling sad about missing my mom. Maybe my stomach knows, you know? I really can’t believe it’s been two years already.

Spinning Media

I brought this home from my father’s apartment over the weekend. Having it makes me sad and makes me happy at the same time. You could say I am conflicted.

It’s a radio, a CD player, a cassette player (believe it or not), and a turn table all in one. I miss my dad. Also, to make matters worse, today is my mother’s birthday. I miss my mom too. I really don’t like feeling this way.

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Which Me is Real?

My sister in law started a shared Google Photo Album where we can all add pictures of my father. One of my brother’s friends is going to make a slide show out of them that we will have running at the wake on Thursday.

I was looking through the album and I had a weird moment where my memory and reality sort of broke apart from each other. There was a picture of me from a couple of years before I had my weight loss surgery. I wasn’t even close to the 450 pounds I weighed when I finally decided to go under the knife, but I was probably 380 pounds or so. I was huge, though not quite as huge as I would eventually get.

Seeing that picture didn’t phase me in the least. I kept scrolling through the album and I eventually got to a photo from earlier this year. Father’s Day, to be precise. There was a picture of my father with my brother, my sister, and some other guy. I did a double take. The other guy was me. I didn’t recognize myself. It was the same me that I see in the morning now. It was post-surgery, 215-220 pound me. The current me. The new normal, real me. I didn’t recognize me.

I did recognize the dangerously overweight me as if it were the “real” me.

That didn’t bother me quite as much as being asked about my mother while talking about my father’s funeral did (as mentioned in a post from earlier today), but it disturbed me a bit.

Like… who am I? Who is the “real” me? Do I even know? Will I ever know?

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad

Today would have been my parents’ 57th wedding anniversary. Instead it is the second wedding anniversary since my mother passed away. It’s a sad day, but it’s also a happy day. I need to call my father and just tell him I love him.

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Credit where credit is due, my cousin Erin took these two photos at my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary party back in 2017. Thanks, Erin!

One of Those Sad Moments

Today had one of those moments. One of those sad moments that jump out of nowhere and make you sad.

Tomorrow would have been my parents’ 57th wedding anniversary. Instead it’s the second anniversary since she passed away and that is making me sad today.

I did go and visit her today. That made me feel a little better. It’s funny how that works, right?

Happy Mother’s Day

Are you someone’s mother? Are you someone who plays a mother’s role?

If the answer to either question is yes then, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

This especially goes out to my beloved wife, Jen. It also goes out to my sister, my sister in law, and my friends who have kids and my mother in law. All the mothers in my life. You are the hardest working people on Earth and you deserve 10000 times the accolades that you get. Every day should be mothers day. No one deserves it more. I love all of you and hope you all have an A+ fantastic day today.

This is the second mothers day since my mother passed away. I miss her a lot. Jen and I are going to visit her grave this morning. After that I am planning on cleaning the hell out of the kitchen and the living room as a mothers day present to my wife.

So in closing, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all of the mothers out there. All of the mothers and those who fill the role of mothers. If you’re one of those people then have a wonderful day. If you’re not, then find someone who is and make sure they have a wonderful day.

One Year

We lost my mother one year ago today. After years and years of dementia she was finally free of all of her physical pain and mental confusion. Would she see it as release the way we hope she would? I have no idea.

I got to spend a little time with my father tonight. He was mostly okay, but he’s having an annoying, persistent health issue of his own that flared up quite a bit yesterday and sent him briefly to the ER. He’s fine, he just needs to do what the doctors tell him to do. When he does, he improves. He just doesn’t do it enough. Insert the frustrated sigh here. 

Now that I am home I have spent the last 15-20 minutes asking Google Bard to generate images of Jedi Knights in goofy situations like being a contestant on The Bachelor, riding a tiger, or watching a baseball game. I feel like I’ve found my new favorite internet hobby.

No music progress today. It’s getting close to bed time and I haven’t accomplished anything. Well… I picked off a few things at work today, which was nice. Just no musical accomplishments, that’s all. There is also a zombie movie that I want to watch tonight so that I can listen to a podcast discussing it on the drive to work tomorrow. 

So many things to do.

Cardinal

My wife bought a new ornament for our christmas tree. It’s a cardinal. She said that cardinals can represent people who have passed away trying to communicate with us. Having a cardinal on our christmas tree is a way to have my mother be with us this christmas. I nearly teared up when she gave it to me.

I love my wife so much. She is amazing. She is my rock. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the past few years without her.

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Happy/Sad or Sad/Happy or Both?

My sister just got word that my mother’s headstone has been installed. I can’t decide if that is happy news or sad news or both. Both, I think.

I will actually be near the cemetery for a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully the timing will work out and I can pay a quick visit before it gets dark.

Sad Moment of Forgetting

Two days ago the daily writing prompt thing asked about our favorite subject in school. I wrote a little snippet about my favorite subject in Kindergarten being The Letter People. I couldn’t remember if The Letter People (anthropomorphized cartoon letters of the English alphabet) were cardboard cutouts or inflatables.

As I wrote about not being able to remember I thought to myself that I would ask my mother if she remembered. She did some volunteer work in my Kindergarten class.

Of course it took a few milliseconds for me to remember that my mother is no longer with us. She passed away about nine months ago. That was the first emotional kick to the groin. The second came another millisecond later when I thought that it had been years since my mother’s dementia would have allowed her to recall something insignificant like this from over 40 years ago.

I don’t know why I am posting this. I told Jen about it yesterday because it made me sad and I try to share my feelings with the woman I love. Now? I guess I just miss my mother.