Tag: Memory

Nothing to Say

I’m down to the final minutes of my lunch break on this fine Friday afternoon. I am pretty exhausted from a lack of sleep over the past… month(s) but I’m hanging in there. I had some Purdue Popcorn chicken and some peanuts and some sugar free Hershey bites for lunch. I really want a drink of water but I still have to wait the better part of an hour before I am clear to drink anything. That’s a gastric bypass patient thing. If you know, you know.

Fed Ex delivered a package today. I am not home to get it, but it contains a new guitar pedal. If I read the amazon shipping notes correctly, it’s a compressor pedal. The first I’ve ever purchased. I have this weird idea of using cleaner guitar sounds for this year’s RPM Challenge in February and a compressor will be a part of that. I bought an MXR Dyna Comp because it’s super simple and it will let me squash my clean signal down to a delightfully mushy… mush. There are two more pedals coming over the weekend. One is a Flanger, the other is an Amp Sim. I don’t have room on my pedal board for any of these kiddos and I don’t have open slots on my power brick… so I am going to need to get creative, I think. It should be fun. I don’t think I bought a single guitar pedal during all of 2024. I know I bought a couple of microphones for band practices that haven’t actually happened yet, but no pedals.

There are a lot of tentative plans for the weekend. We may be messing with our living room and we may be going to some stores for research purposes. I hope to spend some time wandering around town taking pictures with my new/possibly antique (though probably not) camera. I got a gift card for the sugar free bakery in Salem, NH for xmas. I haven’t bought anything from them in about a month, but now I am definitely going back and getting some cookies. Good stuff.

What else… I thought there was something else… One of our cars is going to get a break job. That wasn’t the thing that I am forgetting though… am I going to go shopping for a new iPhone? That’s definitely on the to-do list before we go to Florida at the end of the month, but is it this weekend? I don’t know.

I have to start practicing the guitar. The band is hoping to reconvene (hopefully for real this time) at some point after this weekend. I need to get ready for that. Which guitar should I bring to the first practice? Probably the Les Paul Standard that my wife got me for my 50th birthday in 2021. I really dig that guitar.

I know I had something else I wanted to write about but it has slipped my brain entirely. Don’t get old, kids. This is what happens to you when you get old. Stay young for as long as you can. Unless you’re already old like me in which case… sorry, folks. We had a good run, I’m sure.

Sad Moment of Forgetting

Two days ago the daily writing prompt thing asked about our favorite subject in school. I wrote a little snippet about my favorite subject in Kindergarten being The Letter People. I couldn’t remember if The Letter People (anthropomorphized cartoon letters of the English alphabet) were cardboard cutouts or inflatables.

As I wrote about not being able to remember I thought to myself that I would ask my mother if she remembered. She did some volunteer work in my Kindergarten class.

Of course it took a few milliseconds for me to remember that my mother is no longer with us. She passed away about nine months ago. That was the first emotional kick to the groin. The second came another millisecond later when I thought that it had been years since my mother’s dementia would have allowed her to recall something insignificant like this from over 40 years ago.

I don’t know why I am posting this. I told Jen about it yesterday because it made me sad and I try to share my feelings with the woman I love. Now? I guess I just miss my mother.

Nothing Going Down

It’s 3:00pm here in the Tewksbury at the parent sitting shift. I’m tired. I got a decent night’s sleep last night but I’m tired. I’m trying to keep my brain occupied. I did a little music, I watched an Orville, I have done a couple of chores, I’ve written slightly more than one blog post, I read my wife’s latest blog post. It’s not working for me today. I just want to go home.

The home health care professional who is on duty today is trying to push my parents into being a little more active. She tried to get them to watch a movie together, with a small amount of temporary success, she’s trying to get my mother to go through the stacks of shit they have hoarded in the living room, she’s trying to get them to eat better, and she even asked them if they have any board games they’d like to play. The word you’re looking for here is heroic, even if they haven’t bitten at any of the bait.

Part of me is feeling overwhelmed by all of this. Part of me just feels like sitting back and letting it all crash down. Like… not indifferent, just no longer willing to try. No, that’s not right… not unwilling to try, more like… no longer wanting to care. I just want it over. I know that if I start thinking about a life after parent sitting then something will go wrong and we’ll reboot and be right back at square one again and I can’t deal with that. That wouldn’t feel overwhelming, that would feel like a catastrophic collapse of all brain function.

I miss my wife so much my heart hurts. It hasn’t been 24 hours since I left home last night but it feels like decades. I just miss her so much. Maybe I’ll grab myself a pile of hoarded shit and just take it outside and dump it in the garbage. I wonder, would that feel good or would it be heartbreaking? I can’t even venture a guess anymore.

Okay, I have about three hours left. I think I need to occupy myself with something non-computer related. Maybe that will make the three hours fly by. Doubtful. We’ll see.

Still Quiet on the Parental Front

Things are still quiet here. All is pretty much well. Did I just jinx it? I seem to be doing that a lot these days.

I filled the pill caddies today for both of my parents. That is a job for whoever (whomever?) is here on Saturday morning. It stresses me out, but today was the first time I had to do my father’s pills and I was trying to use an outdated meds list. Nothing in the pill case matched what was on the list, and nothing on the list matched the case. The list I was looking at was from late 2020 and he did spend six months in and out of the hospital in 2021 so I couldn’t say for sure it was up to date. My sister straightened me out. There was a new list. I was all set from there.

Seeing as tomorrow there is a risk of us getting spanked by an actual hurricane, we thought it wise to get the grocery order in today rather than wait for tomorrow. I thought that my mother wrote the grocery list and it just got forwarded on to me and then Jen used her super deluxe instacart account to place the order. I’m still 99% sure that’s how it worked, but when I asked my mother for a list today she got really nervous about it. She was happy to do it, but kept asking me to double check her work. I guess she doesn’t generally do it alone? Or she just forgot that she does it alone? She put a couple of things on the order that she probably didn’t need, and left a couple of things off that would probably be good to get, and she put one thing on the order that she’s not allowed to eat. I called her on it and she said it wasn’t for her, it was for everyone else. Riiiiiight.

Only one memory issue today, and it was a common one. Mom mentioned that someone was having a birthday this week. I said it was my baby brother. She asked how he was my baby brother. I said I was six years older than he was so he’s the baby. Then she asked who our parents were. Did we have the same parents? Yes, you and dad. She asked if she gave birth to us. Yup. We’ve gone over this quite a bit over the last four months. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s sort of normal.

On my home front, my beloved bride told me she woke up with a bad headache today. I was I could be there to help her out. I hate that I am not there for her. I really hate it.

Just keep focusing on home, Robert. Something like 6-7 hours before the next shift starts and you can go home. Just hang in there.

Step Taken

Just heard from my brother. The thing that was supposed to happen today that represents another step toward the end of our long familial struggle happened today. He said it seemed to go well. He mentioned a couple of times that everyone is on the same page. Us… Them… Those other folks too… all on the same page.

Good news.

Late Lunch

I had a late start to my lunch break today. Hopefully that will make the second half of the day feel a little quicker. I often play mind games with the clock like that. Does it make a difference? Probably not.

I am feeling really stressed out today. I am trying so hard to keep a level head, but I feel like a temper tantrum is coming at any moment. I’m suddenly feeling really tired. Probably because I just ate a nice PB&J lunch and I’m full and my brain thinks some shut eye is a good idea. Instead I am taking diet pepsi through an IV directly into my heart. The caffeine is helping, but I fear it won’t be enough.

I have actually been able to get some good work done today, but my mother is having a rough day today and everything is getting under my skin. She’s not complaining about pain at all. She did for a while, but mostly today it’s just been memory. She asked me where her husband was. I said he’s in the bed in the next room. She said no he wasn’t. She said she wanted to go home. I told her she was home and that this has been her home for more than 50 years. She said it used to be her home but not anymore and she wanted to go home to her parents house. I had to tell her that her parents weren’t in their old house anymore. Because they are both dead, she said. Yes. She said her mother died recently. I told her it’s been 23 years.

It’s so stressful, and feeling like I’m leaning against the tipping point isn’t making it any easier to deal with. I really need to go home and see my family. I haven’t seen my wife in almost 48 hours. I haven’t seen my step son in 24 hours. I haven’t talked to my step daughter in over a week. I’m just feeling crushed right now and they are the only thing that can straighten me out. I love my parents and clearly I’ll do anything for them, but for fucks sake I have a family of my own and I miss them so much.

Ugh… I don’t even remember what I was going to talk about. Give me a second, I have something in my eyes. No, I’m not crying, you’re crying. Wimp.

Okay, I have to get back to work. Talk to ya’ll later.

Another Small Step

There was one important thing I needed to see happen over at my parents’ house yesterday and it didn’t quite happen. It partially happened. Let’s say 60% of it happened. I really needed that other 40% though, and yesterday it didn’t happen.

It happened today.

It’s still not enough for me to start feeling positive. Yes, there is a light at the end of this miserable tunnel, but if I start focusing on it, it is going to turn around and break my heart and I just can’t do that to myself or to my wife or to anyone else.

Still… the partial big step I got yesterday is now a full big step.

Oh, how I need this to resolve. I need it to be over.

Please, please, please.

The next hurdle is, I believe, next Tuesday. Let’s hope that light in the distance gets a whole lot closer by then.

A Literal Note to Self

We have had a home health professional in the house for three days now. When we first talked about bringing in help we discussed it with my parents. They were both on board. Given my mother’s memory issues, someone came up with the idea of having her write a letter to herself detailing how she felt about the situation at that time.

I had to use it today.

A literal note to herself.

It was rough. We were in one room and she was telling me how she wanted the woman out of the house and she didn’t like her and she liked the woman who was here yesterday and she wanted to know who allowed this to happen and can I call them and tell them not to come back. All through this, the woman who is helping us today, dare I say heroically helping us today, was in the next room hearing every word.

I had forgotten about the note to self but when I let my siblings know what was happening they reminded me. Mom wasn’t happy when she read it, but said she remembered writing the letter and she’s been okay ever since.

I made sure to tell the woman that she shouldn’t take anything my mother said personally, and that it was likely by the end of her shift my mother would be her best friend. That’s kinda how it goes. She was nothing but understanding and professional and I am so thankful for her attitude, not to mention her help.

Now though, my group at work is short handed this afternoon and I just had a task mailed to me. I’ll get on it.

Here’s hoping it will be a quiet afternoon in the house and at work. I need me some weekend.

Sad Sigh

My parents celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary this week. We made as big a deal as we could, given the circumstances. My sister brought my mother to the rehab hospital to visit my father and they were both over the moon happy.

My parents were on the phone with each other a few minutes ago. I overheard her ask him how long have they been married. She sounded surprised when he answered. Then she asked how much older she is than him.

Then she asked me if he was my father for the second time today and the third time since I got here last night.

I can’t take much more of this.

It’s not Sundowning When the Sun is Still Up

Yikes, that was a weird one.

It was just after 4:30 in the afternoon. My mother asked me what time work ended. I am working from her dining room table right now so I assumed she meant me. I told her 5:30. She said she thinks she’s done at 4:30. Okay, maybe her last job let out at 4:30. She said the best part about getting old was not having to go to work anymore. I figured that was the end of the topic.

That’s when it went off the rails. She said that the house we are in right now, the same house that has been her home for 50 years, was just where she worked and that she had to go home. I told her she was already home. She said she had to go to her mother and father’s house. Ummm… She hasn’t lived there since 1967, as far as I know. I told her that her parents were gone. She then changed gears a bit. Yes, her parents are both dead, but her sisters are still at their house. I told her that her brother and sisters all had their own house. She said no, she had to go there to see them. She said she really needed to see them. There was a break in her voice that sounded like it might have been the start of tears, or a little desperation, or maybe just frustration.

Damn. I know she talked on the phone to her younger sister the last time I was here. Her older sister, my godmother, is in Alabama and I’m not sure what kind of mental state she’s in. Her brother is still around, with a slew of health problems of his own, and he has always sort of kept to himself. Not in a bad way, we just never heard from him as much as from my aunts. Needless to say, none of them are living in their parents’ old house, and none of them are expecting a visit today.

I tried to bring her around to something she talks about regularly and eventually I did and it seemed to ground her again, though I am not sure she actually realized it. One of her go to subjects is her parents’ deaths, and another is where her kids’ names came from. I said her father died when I was a baby. She came back with he died in 1972. Yup. I asked if her mother died in 1998 and she said yes. She asked if I was working here then. No, I was living here and I had just gone back to college. I was 27 and I had a Sociology final exam on the day she died (I think… it might have been the day of her funeral). She said her brother was near her when she died. I said one of her brother’s daughters was actually with her.

She looked a little surprised and asked how I knew all of this. I told her because I was her son and her brother’s kids are my cousins. Really? Yes, really. Back to this again, I thought. Who is your father? Your husband, I am named after him. Really? That brought us back to the other go to subject. I told her that when she was a kid she decided her first born son would be named after his father, and her second son would be named after her father. That’s exactly how it worked out. I was first and am named after my father, and my brother was second and he’s named after our grandfather. That lead to a discussion of where my sister’s name came from and how it was Dad’s suggestion. After that she seemed to be back to normal.

So to sum up… Yikes!