Bad Night

I went to sleep last night at a little after 11:00pm and woke up a little before 1:00am. My CPAP mask was slipping and sliding all over my face and it was leaking like nuts. I pulled the straps as tight as I could stand it and went back to sleep. I woke up again a little before 4:00am with a splitting headache. Were the two things related? I don’t know, but I couldn’t get back to sleep for a while. I got up and walked around for a bit (earning two stand hours! Bright side, babie!) and then managed to get back to sleep.

When I got up at about 7:00am my head was still a little funny, and I was extra tired, but as I started going through my morning routine I definitely felt better. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling 100%, but I’m getting there. I’ll probably take a Covid test this morning, just for paranoia’s sake. I’m sure I’m good though.

Harry has spent most of the summer at our house. Yesterday he went to his dad’s and he’s not coming back here until next Friday. Then he goes back to school on Sunday. We are effectively empty nesters again and we’re both feeling pretty sad about it. I need to play guitar this weekend to cheer myself up. I also need to play photographer this weekend to further cheer myself up. When I spoke to the psychologist during my pre-surgery prep time he asked if I had anything to use instead of food for reward behavior and cheering myself up. I said it would probably end up being guitars and cameras… now is the time, my reward behavior friends.

Also, I started a candle time lapse today because I am a total freakin’ nerd. Also…


Tough Day

We took Harry back to school. We are empty nesters again. We’re happy and sad and yadda yadda. I miss him. I miss Bellana.

I don’t have a problem with them being at school. I am loving the trip, seeing where they are going and how they are getting there and all of that.

I am just tired of all the other shit. I am so tired of Covid. Just feeling overwhelmed and absolutely sick of it all. I want our lives back. I want to get back to a world where stopping for gas isn’t something that makes me feel afraid for my health and the health of my family.

I don’t know. I just want this crap to be over, you know?

Lunch Time Brain Dead

I feel like I should be posting something as my Tuesday lunch break comes to an end. I can’t come up with anything though. There are a few little things. Today hasn’t been the painful day I was fearing it would be. There have been a couple of annoying things at work, but nothing we can’t handle. Bellana left us yesterday and won’t be back until Summer. We still have Harry around for a few days, but we’re driving him back to school on Sunday and then we’re kidless for a couple of months.

I have avoided using retail therapy to cheer myself up, but junk food is another story. We had ice cream last night. I’ve had a lot of chocolate today. I need to stop this crap and start being more careful. The first weight loss surgery appointment is next week, but it’s only to drop off paperwork. The real first appointment is next month. Sigh.

I am off work tomorrow. That’s nice. I took the day off just in case Bellana ended up needing a ride to the airport. She doesn’t, so I am free. Patches has a vet appointment and I still have to get two Christmas presents for two of my nephews over to my sister’s house. I am trying to stay as Covid safe as humanly possible until Harry is back at school. I think the vet appointment is a curbside thing but I am not sure. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow, huh?

Okay. I guess I came up with something to talk about after all. Time to get back to work. That bug ain’t gonna fix itself.

A Downside of Weekend Work

So there is a hidden downside to working around the clock over the weekend.

There are a bunch of podcasts that I like to listen to during the work week that release new episodes over the weekend. This week I’ve listened to all of them. Now I have nothing to listen to during my actual work shift tomorrow.

Bummer, dude.

Unrelated to work, there was good news today. First, we got to see Bellana for about five minutes. She was passing through town and stopped in to say hello. Second, we had a FaceTime call with Harry! Both kids on a random Sunday! If only I had had a chance to shower and change out of yesterday’s clothes! Also, if I don’t get a haircut soon my head is going to collapse under it’s own weight. Keep an eye on the news. The headline will likely be, “Red Head’s Head Implodes. News at 11:00.”

Sad Calendar

We had an event on our Google Calendars showing the custody schedule for the kids. Our weekends were marked Kid weekends. Dad’s weekends were not marked. We could look as far into the future as we needed to and instantly know when we had the kids.

Jen just canceled the event.

We don’t need it anymore. When they come home for visits we will work out who gets them when on a case by case basis. In general though… we don’t need that calendar event anymore…

…and it makes me super sad.

Wednesday News

Oh, it’s Wednesday again. When we dropped off my step son at his dorm last week, Wednesdays were the days I was most worried about in terms of being sad because he’s not around. Wednesdays are the days that the new Marvel TV show episodes hit Disney+. New Episode days (they used to be Fridays, but Disney changed it for some reason) have been spent in the living room eating burgers and fries for dinner while watching the latest. That dates all the way back to WandaVision, which seems like ages ago, but was really only a few months back.

On the ride home from Vermont I said to my wife, I’m not looking forward to Wednesdays when he’s not around for Marvel and Burgers night. Sad face. It’s okay though. I can be sad for me and thrilled for him at the same time. He’s starting day three of his University Academic Career today. Put simply: He’s the man.

Tonight is a parent sitting night for me so I will be staying over there. I’m super nervous. There are things happening over there that will hopefully resolve all of the out standing issues but I am scared shitless to write about them out of fear of something going wrong and all of it falling apart. I’ll keep my mouth shut for a while longer. Hopefully only a few days.

I just vacuumed up Lake Asshole. The dehumidifier is running and I’ll empty it as soon as it fills. We have another hurricane remnant on the way tomorrow. I haven’t checked the forecast yet today but as of yesterday the potential for tons of rain was very high. I need Lake Asshole to be as dry as possible before I leave tonight.

I keep forgetting to take the trash barrels in off the street. Trash pickup was yesterday afternoon and the barrels are still out there. Remind me to take care of that, will ya?

The potential for freak outs over the course of the rest of the week are very high. Just be warned. If I start losing my shit in the middle of the night while I’m at my parents’ house and have no one to talk to about it, I’m going to unload here.

Okay. Time to punch in to work. I have a bunch of meetings on the schedule today. Here’s hoping that distracts me from all the other shit for a while at least.

Happy September. Summer is officially over and Winter has officially begun. San Diego is calling me and I am not sure I can resist her for much longer.


It’s 10:37am. Did you miss me? I usually have a morning hello post hours earlier than this.

What kept me?

Pills. Yeah, man.

No, seriously. I just filled my parents’ pill caddies for the week. There was a lot of back and forth with my brother and sister. There are pharmacy changes coming in the near future and it’s affecting how we go about filling prescriptions and two of my mother’s 10000000 scripts need to be refilled this week because there aren’t enough pills to get us through to next week. Their primary care physician (who is also my primary care physician) is on the case though. All is well.

The bathroom is the other issue today. Not in an accident way, just in a there-is-only-one-in-the-house way. It seems like every time someone needs to go really bad there is someone already in there. I’ve been toilet blocked twice today, and I toilet blocked someone else once. It’s minor chaos.

My mother just shuffled into the room and asked me if I was her son and did she actually give birth to me.

I want to go home so badly I cannot put it into words. I am so tired of neglecting my family in favor of my family, you know? I was afraid to text Harry last night but Jen let me know that he was texting her, so I snuck in a couple. It’s only been one day and I miss him so much, and missing him makes me miss Bellana even more, and missing them both makes me so upset that I am here and not with Jen because I know she feels the same way, and it’s just crushing me so much I can’t even punctuate a sentence properly and I keep writing these endless run on things that when I go back to read these at some hypothetical point in the future are going to piss me off and now I am just doing it just because I am pissed off and I want my future self to also be pissed off at my grammar shenanigans and this is stupid and I am so miserable right now I can’t deal.

I think I am going to go upstairs and try to take apart a twin bed. No reason.



When I left my son today he was on the verge of tears. When I left my wife today she had just finished crying.

Now where am I when the people I care about most need me? I’m at my parents house for 24 hours, that’s where.

I am the worst parent, step or otherwise, in the universe.
I am the worst husband in the universe.
I am the worst person in the universe.