Want to hear a story about a bird with a low IQ?

Here we go.

I got up early today and did my morning exercise in the basement. When I was done I went upstairs and started packing up my lunch bag as today is a work in the office day. I was standing in the little space between the living room and the dining room, digging through the pantry closet where my protein bar stash lives and I heard a weird nose. It was a low, metallic rumbling sound. It only lasted for a second and then it stopped. A minute or so later I heard it again.

What the hell was it? My first thought was maybe there was a problem with our central air system? No, it’s not that. It happened again and it sounded like it was coming from the living room. I don’t get it. I asked Jen if she knew what it was but she hadn’t heard it. When it happened again I found it was coming from the fireplace. That eased my mind a little. It was probably something outside and we were just hearing it through the chimney. It happened again and it seemed really loud, but it was definitely in the chimney.

I went outside, where it was a crisp 36 degrees out, and took a look. From the front of the house I couldn’t see anything. I walked around to the back, with a sneaking suspicion of what I was going to find, and sure enough my suspicion was accurate.

There is a metal cap on the top of our chimney. It sits on top of a metal, mesh thing so that the smoke can escape, but it’s literally a cap on top of the opening. Standing next to this cap was a freakin’ woodpecker. Every minute or so this moron was bashing away at the chimney cap (or whatever you call it) trying to… eat something? I don’t know. This bird was an idiot. I laughed at its stupidity and it heard me, got spooked, and flew away.

Dumb bird.