THE STIR CRAZY FILES – EPISODE 73: Mr Fix It

Well, this morning one of our smoke detectors started giving the low battery squawk. We needed a tried and true handy man to track it down, take it off the ceiling, change the batteries, and put it back on the ceiling. We needed a hero. Fortunately that hero was available and came through for us. That hero… was me.

Yes, Robert is so tall that when the low battery squawk starts his head is close enough to the ceiling that he can both track down the ailing unit and reach up to unscrew it from its perch. Yes, his skills are virtually endless. The biggest challenge though was getting the dying batteries out of the damm thing. Something about the model we have, they really stick those batteries in there good. I was, of course, able to prevail in that struggle, and all is well with our smoke detecting system once more.

Please, please, no applause. Just throw money.

Now if I could just figure out why my SleepWatch report from last night keeps disappearing (was it because my watch was on the charger?) and why I only managed an 8% sleeping heart rate dip last night. That is just not optimal! (On the report it labels 8% as “not optimal” so you see what I did there?)

I really need Covid to be over. Really.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 72: Slasher Flick

Thanks to that prick Covid, we can’t go to stores. All of our home goods needs are coming from The Amazon. (I’m thinking about referring to Amazon.com as The Amazon. I’m not sure if I like it, I’m just trying it on for size.) That includes stuff like ice melt for the driveway. I’ve bought a couple of three gallon tubs of it. The first tub ran out when I cleaned up the snow on Monday morning. I knew it was coming so I had a second tub ready to go.

It snowed last night. Just a little, barely enough to cover the driveway, but I went outside and shoveled it all anyway. Good doobie and all that shit. When the driveway, walkway, and fire hydrant were all clear I went to put some ice melt down for the instacart delivery folks who are going to be here this morning. I couldn’t do it though. The cover on the second, as yet still unopened, tub was defective. There is supposed to be a pull tab, but it was still molded into the plastic cover. I was quickly able to cut it out with my trusty Swiss Army Knife (the true hero of Covid in our house, so much so that Santa brought one for Jen and Harry) but it didn’t help. I could grab the pull tab but I couldn’t actually pull it. Defective all around.

I tried cutting the pull strip off but I couldn’t get it. My Swiss Army Knife’s first ever fail. I tried prying the cover off with a screw driver but it wouldn’t come. Finally I did what Emperor Palpatine is always telling me to do. I gave in to the hate. I channeled all of the slasher flicks I’d ever seen back in my horror movie watching 20’s and I took my knife and stabbed it through the top of the lid. I carved around the edge enough that I could pull it back to make an opening…

…and I poured the new tub into the old tub and carried on with my day.

I blame Covid. You should too.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 71

When the COVID-19 craziness kicked off back in March, 10 months ago, one huge corner of our bedroom was completely empty. As the lock down progressed we bought a big cabinet for stuff and we inherited a great big dresser. Now that we’re thinking of rearranging the room we had to find new homes for those two giguntic pieces of furniture. Suddenly the room is looking empty again.

It’s weird that going back to what we had just a couple of months ago seems to be weird. It’s weird that it’s weird, right? Weird.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 61

I just realized I’ve let one of my original quarantine promises to myself fall by the wayside without even noticing.

I promised myself I would still be up out of bed and ready for the day by the time I would have had to get ready if I had to make the endless drive to Waltham. That should have been 7:30-7:45 or so. It dawned on me today as I was getting dressed at about 8:15 that I completely forgot about that rule.

Not that it was important or anything but I kinda feel like I let myself down… even though I didn’t remember I was letting myself down.

I’ll try to get up earlier tomorrow.

Eat my ass, coronavirus.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 60

Exercise, babie… said the very fat, morbidly obese dude. Looking over my health stats on my phone, on the Zero app, the one that tracks intermittent fasting, I have completed a full 16 hour fast for 10 days in a row. That’s 160 hours where I did not eat. Cool! On the activity app, I have close all three rings for 10 days in a row. That’s 30 minutes of exercise, at least 800 calories burned (which normal people could probably do by 7:00am without even trying. Gimme a break, I’m fat and criminally out of shape), and standing at least one minute each hour for at least 12 hours.

Having said all of that, I also canceled my gym membership today. I finally stopped hoping that the lock down would end and it would be safe to go back. It’ll save us a few bucks a month.

A few bucks a month… that’s important given that we bought an exercise bike today. Woah! Another exercise source for us that doesn’t involve leaving the house! Crazy talk! Bring it on!

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 59

I had something happen this morning as I was slowly waking up that hasn’t happened in months.

In my foggy not-quite-conscious state I was thinking about things to do for the long Labor Day weekend. I thought, we should try to do something nice for dinner one night. Maybe we could go overboard and go to The Capital Grill.

That’s when I remembered the coronavirus.

Sonofabitch.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 58

The car dealership that sold us one of our cars (the Kia) has been spamming the shit out of me lately. Mostly email, but today there was a robo call. It was one of those super insulting robo calls that is a recording of an actual person who is trying to trick you into thinking it’s really a person talking.

The gist of the call was, we have been missing our recommended maintenance appointments. Well no shit. We haven’t used the car at all, so why do we need maintenance? Also, There Is A Fucking Global Pandemic. No, I am not going to get my windshield wipers replaced and risk catching the plague. What the hell, assholes?

That’s not what I’m bitching about today though. When the recording ended (why did I stay on the line? I don’t know) a computer voice came on and said that if I wanted to be removed from the call list I could press 9 at any time.

Well, you can bet your sweet ass I pressed that little 9 button on my iPhone as fast as humanly possible. When I did, the computer voice responded with, “we are sorry. There was an application error and your request was not completed.”

>insert sound of a fat red head screaming his head off here<

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 57

I’ve talked a lot about how my back hurts all the time. I’m 49 and overweight, what do you expect?

I’ve talked recently about how there seems to be something wrong with my left thumb. It hurts. It’s not getting better.

I haven’t talked about it in a long time, but my teeth are a mess and every so often I get a little pain, just to remind me that they are there.

Yesterday I bit my tongue. I think. I don’t actually remember doing it. It might be just a scratch or something. Whatever the cause, my tongue has a spot near the tip that just hurts. Every time it touches something, which is pretty much 24/7, it hurts.

In the immortal words of Jimmy from South Park, “I mean, come on!”

Enough already! If The ‘Rona isn’t going to let me leave the house, the least the universe can do is not have me in nagging pain from head to toe while I ride it out. Stupid body. Stupid, stupid body.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 55

I have had the hardest time keeping my glasses clean. It’s just a massive annoyance to me as I try to work. Jen bought a package of pre-moistened lens paper and finally something helped.

Earlier today I was thinking my glasses needed a cleaning, but I want to conserve these magical lens wipes and I put it off. Then, I took a swig of Diet Pepsi out of a 16.9 ounce/0.5 liter bottle and a single drop of liquid splashed out of the bottle and splattered right on my right lens.

son.of.a!!!!!

Note, I was going to use the word bitch as a negative. I don’t think I can do that anymore. Republican congressman Ted Yoho recently called New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a bitch on the steps to the US Capital Building.

To me, if AOC is a bitch, then we as a society need more bitches, because she is going to save us from the cesspool our nation has become.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 54

It’s Tuesday July 21st. It’s my sister’s wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, Lisa and Ken! That’s not what has me stir crazy today.

I woke up early today and took out the trash, brought the garbage barrels out to the street because it’s trash day, cleaned out the litter box and brought that out to the street, did a load of dishes, did a load of laundry, took the garbage barrels back in from the street after they were emptied (thank you, Methuen), swapped the office chair I’ve been using at my work desk for a bigger one that was hiding in the cellar, watched the first episode of The Watchman, and ate some eggs for breakfast. All of that before I punched in to work. Yikes! That’s not what has me stir crazy today though.

I’ve had the same password to my work network for something like six months. I was prompted by the system to change it yesterday. I’ll do it today. When I went to log in to work I had forgotten it. After six months? How is that possible? I completely forgot it. That’s not what has me feeling all stir crazy today though.

Twice in the last 24 hours my eye has felt itchy and I’ve reached up to rub it, completely forgetting that I had glasses on. Boom, finger prints on the lens.

That is what has me feeling stir crazy today.