The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 78: Tone Deaf

I might have snapped… finally.

This morning as we were getting ready for work Jen made an off hand comment about the health of one of the plants in the bedroom. She said it was looking a little dead.

Given that we are still up to our necks in a pandemic, and that all signs are pointing to things getting worse again, my response was incredibly tone deaf.

Upon hearing the word “dead” a song leaped to the front of my brain and lodged itself there. Two hours later it is still insisting that I sing it to myself constantly. At the time, it insisted that I sing it out loud and I did.

A lovely little ditty from the South Park Christmas album called “Dead, Dead, Dead.”

Dead, dead, dead,
Someday we’ll be dead.
Dead, dead, dead,
Someday we’ll all be dead.

Are you effing kidding me Robert? Read the friggin’ room! And by room I mean the entire friggin’ human race!

Asshole.

Tone deaf asshole.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 75

That’s something you don’t see every day during a pandemic.

It’s trash day in my little neighborhood today. I took the two big barrels out to the street like a good citizen. My yard is a mess thanks to squirrels and high winds so I have a lot of trash scattered along the edge of the woods. That’s a weekend project though. Today we’re just talking about the garbage truck.

They drove up, took our trash, drove up to the next house and took theirs, then they drove diagonally across the street, picked up one house, and drove diagonally back across the street. In doing so they blocked the entire road. That’s when the school bus drove up.

So here we are in Global Pandemic World, living on our little locked down street, with two great big trucks blocking each other in the middle of the road.

Traffic? On our little residential street? Is that a thing?

Remember traffic? I have to drive to my office in Waltham a week from this coming Friday. I’m going in the afternoon, not during the rush, and I’m only going to be there for an hour or so. Still… the idea of it… it scares me. I don’t mind the drive, but going inside… yikes. That’s not the point of this episode though.

The point of this episode is, if you drive a truck during a pandemic, you should still probably not block both sides of the road. I mean, if you can avoid doing so you probably should.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

THE STIR CRAZY FILES – EPISODE 73: Mr Fix It

Well, this morning one of our smoke detectors started giving the low battery squawk. We needed a tried and true handy man to track it down, take it off the ceiling, change the batteries, and put it back on the ceiling. We needed a hero. Fortunately that hero was available and came through for us. That hero… was me.

Yes, Robert is so tall that when the low battery squawk starts his head is close enough to the ceiling that he can both track down the ailing unit and reach up to unscrew it from its perch. Yes, his skills are virtually endless. The biggest challenge though was getting the dying batteries out of the damm thing. Something about the model we have, they really stick those batteries in there good. I was, of course, able to prevail in that struggle, and all is well with our smoke detecting system once more.

Please, please, no applause. Just throw money.

Now if I could just figure out why my SleepWatch report from last night keeps disappearing (was it because my watch was on the charger?) and why I only managed an 8% sleeping heart rate dip last night. That is just not optimal! (On the report it labels 8% as “not optimal” so you see what I did there?)

I really need Covid to be over. Really.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 72: Slasher Flick

Thanks to that prick Covid, we can’t go to stores. All of our home goods needs are coming from The Amazon. (I’m thinking about referring to Amazon.com as The Amazon. I’m not sure if I like it, I’m just trying it on for size.) That includes stuff like ice melt for the driveway. I’ve bought a couple of three gallon tubs of it. The first tub ran out when I cleaned up the snow on Monday morning. I knew it was coming so I had a second tub ready to go.

It snowed last night. Just a little, barely enough to cover the driveway, but I went outside and shoveled it all anyway. Good doobie and all that shit. When the driveway, walkway, and fire hydrant were all clear I went to put some ice melt down for the instacart delivery folks who are going to be here this morning. I couldn’t do it though. The cover on the second, as yet still unopened, tub was defective. There is supposed to be a pull tab, but it was still molded into the plastic cover. I was quickly able to cut it out with my trusty Swiss Army Knife (the true hero of Covid in our house, so much so that Santa brought one for Jen and Harry) but it didn’t help. I could grab the pull tab but I couldn’t actually pull it. Defective all around.

I tried cutting the pull strip off but I couldn’t get it. My Swiss Army Knife’s first ever fail. I tried prying the cover off with a screw driver but it wouldn’t come. Finally I did what Emperor Palpatine is always telling me to do. I gave in to the hate. I channeled all of the slasher flicks I’d ever seen back in my horror movie watching 20’s and I took my knife and stabbed it through the top of the lid. I carved around the edge enough that I could pull it back to make an opening…

…and I poured the new tub into the old tub and carried on with my day.

I blame Covid. You should too.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 71

When the COVID-19 craziness kicked off back in March, 10 months ago, one huge corner of our bedroom was completely empty. As the lock down progressed we bought a big cabinet for stuff and we inherited a great big dresser. Now that we’re thinking of rearranging the room we had to find new homes for those two giguntic pieces of furniture. Suddenly the room is looking empty again.

It’s weird that going back to what we had just a couple of months ago seems to be weird. It’s weird that it’s weird, right? Weird.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 61

I just realized I’ve let one of my original quarantine promises to myself fall by the wayside without even noticing.

I promised myself I would still be up out of bed and ready for the day by the time I would have had to get ready if I had to make the endless drive to Waltham. That should have been 7:30-7:45 or so. It dawned on me today as I was getting dressed at about 8:15 that I completely forgot about that rule.

Not that it was important or anything but I kinda feel like I let myself down… even though I didn’t remember I was letting myself down.

I’ll try to get up earlier tomorrow.

Eat my ass, coronavirus.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 60

Exercise, babie… said the very fat, morbidly obese dude. Looking over my health stats on my phone, on the Zero app, the one that tracks intermittent fasting, I have completed a full 16 hour fast for 10 days in a row. That’s 160 hours where I did not eat. Cool! On the activity app, I have close all three rings for 10 days in a row. That’s 30 minutes of exercise, at least 800 calories burned (which normal people could probably do by 7:00am without even trying. Gimme a break, I’m fat and criminally out of shape), and standing at least one minute each hour for at least 12 hours.

Having said all of that, I also canceled my gym membership today. I finally stopped hoping that the lock down would end and it would be safe to go back. It’ll save us a few bucks a month.

A few bucks a month… that’s important given that we bought an exercise bike today. Woah! Another exercise source for us that doesn’t involve leaving the house! Crazy talk! Bring it on!

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 59

I had something happen this morning as I was slowly waking up that hasn’t happened in months.

In my foggy not-quite-conscious state I was thinking about things to do for the long Labor Day weekend. I thought, we should try to do something nice for dinner one night. Maybe we could go overboard and go to The Capital Grill.

That’s when I remembered the coronavirus.

Sonofabitch.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 58

The car dealership that sold us one of our cars (the Kia) has been spamming the shit out of me lately. Mostly email, but today there was a robo call. It was one of those super insulting robo calls that is a recording of an actual person who is trying to trick you into thinking it’s really a person talking.

The gist of the call was, we have been missing our recommended maintenance appointments. Well no shit. We haven’t used the car at all, so why do we need maintenance? Also, There Is A Fucking Global Pandemic. No, I am not going to get my windshield wipers replaced and risk catching the plague. What the hell, assholes?

That’s not what I’m bitching about today though. When the recording ended (why did I stay on the line? I don’t know) a computer voice came on and said that if I wanted to be removed from the call list I could press 9 at any time.

Well, you can bet your sweet ass I pressed that little 9 button on my iPhone as fast as humanly possible. When I did, the computer voice responded with, “we are sorry. There was an application error and your request was not completed.”

>insert sound of a fat red head screaming his head off here<