The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 61

I just realized I’ve let one of my original quarantine promises to myself fall by the wayside without even noticing.

I promised myself I would still be up out of bed and ready for the day by the time I would have had to get ready if I had to make the endless drive to Waltham. That should have been 7:30-7:45 or so. It dawned on me today as I was getting dressed at about 8:15 that I completely forgot about that rule.

Not that it was important or anything but I kinda feel like I let myself down… even though I didn’t remember I was letting myself down.

I’ll try to get up earlier tomorrow.

Eat my ass, coronavirus.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 60

Exercise, babie… said the very fat, morbidly obese dude. Looking over my health stats on my phone, on the Zero app, the one that tracks intermittent fasting, I have completed a full 16 hour fast for 10 days in a row. That’s 160 hours where I did not eat. Cool! On the activity app, I have close all three rings for 10 days in a row. That’s 30 minutes of exercise, at least 800 calories burned (which normal people could probably do by 7:00am without even trying. Gimme a break, I’m fat and criminally out of shape), and standing at least one minute each hour for at least 12 hours.

Having said all of that, I also canceled my gym membership today. I finally stopped hoping that the lock down would end and it would be safe to go back. It’ll save us a few bucks a month.

A few bucks a month… that’s important given that we bought an exercise bike today. Woah! Another exercise source for us that doesn’t involve leaving the house! Crazy talk! Bring it on!

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 59

I had something happen this morning as I was slowly waking up that hasn’t happened in months.

In my foggy not-quite-conscious state I was thinking about things to do for the long Labor Day weekend. I thought, we should try to do something nice for dinner one night. Maybe we could go overboard and go to The Capital Grill.

That’s when I remembered the coronavirus.

Sonofabitch.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 58

The car dealership that sold us one of our cars (the Kia) has been spamming the shit out of me lately. Mostly email, but today there was a robo call. It was one of those super insulting robo calls that is a recording of an actual person who is trying to trick you into thinking it’s really a person talking.

The gist of the call was, we have been missing our recommended maintenance appointments. Well no shit. We haven’t used the car at all, so why do we need maintenance? Also, There Is A Fucking Global Pandemic. No, I am not going to get my windshield wipers replaced and risk catching the plague. What the hell, assholes?

That’s not what I’m bitching about today though. When the recording ended (why did I stay on the line? I don’t know) a computer voice came on and said that if I wanted to be removed from the call list I could press 9 at any time.

Well, you can bet your sweet ass I pressed that little 9 button on my iPhone as fast as humanly possible. When I did, the computer voice responded with, “we are sorry. There was an application error and your request was not completed.”

>insert sound of a fat red head screaming his head off here<

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 57

I’ve talked a lot about how my back hurts all the time. I’m 49 and overweight, what do you expect?

I’ve talked recently about how there seems to be something wrong with my left thumb. It hurts. It’s not getting better.

I haven’t talked about it in a long time, but my teeth are a mess and every so often I get a little pain, just to remind me that they are there.

Yesterday I bit my tongue. I think. I don’t actually remember doing it. It might be just a scratch or something. Whatever the cause, my tongue has a spot near the tip that just hurts. Every time it touches something, which is pretty much 24/7, it hurts.

In the immortal words of Jimmy from South Park, “I mean, come on!”

Enough already! If The ‘Rona isn’t going to let me leave the house, the least the universe can do is not have me in nagging pain from head to toe while I ride it out. Stupid body. Stupid, stupid body.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 55

I have had the hardest time keeping my glasses clean. It’s just a massive annoyance to me as I try to work. Jen bought a package of pre-moistened lens paper and finally something helped.

Earlier today I was thinking my glasses needed a cleaning, but I want to conserve these magical lens wipes and I put it off. Then, I took a swig of Diet Pepsi out of a 16.9 ounce/0.5 liter bottle and a single drop of liquid splashed out of the bottle and splattered right on my right lens.

son.of.a!!!!!

Note, I was going to use the word bitch as a negative. I don’t think I can do that anymore. Republican congressman Ted Yoho recently called New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a bitch on the steps to the US Capital Building.

To me, if AOC is a bitch, then we as a society need more bitches, because she is going to save us from the cesspool our nation has become.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 54

It’s Tuesday July 21st. It’s my sister’s wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, Lisa and Ken! That’s not what has me stir crazy today.

I woke up early today and took out the trash, brought the garbage barrels out to the street because it’s trash day, cleaned out the litter box and brought that out to the street, did a load of dishes, did a load of laundry, took the garbage barrels back in from the street after they were emptied (thank you, Methuen), swapped the office chair I’ve been using at my work desk for a bigger one that was hiding in the cellar, watched the first episode of The Watchman, and ate some eggs for breakfast. All of that before I punched in to work. Yikes! That’s not what has me stir crazy today though.

I’ve had the same password to my work network for something like six months. I was prompted by the system to change it yesterday. I’ll do it today. When I went to log in to work I had forgotten it. After six months? How is that possible? I completely forgot it. That’s not what has me feeling all stir crazy today though.

Twice in the last 24 hours my eye has felt itchy and I’ve reached up to rub it, completely forgetting that I had glasses on. Boom, finger prints on the lens.

That is what has me feeling stir crazy today.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 53

Two stir crazy posts in one day?

It’s lunch time. I’m looking in the fridge. There’s a package of hot dogs. I could go for a hot dog for lunch. Do we have any hot dog rolls?

We do have some hot dog rolls, but they’ve been on the shelf for a while. Are they still good? I inspected them through the bag and I didn’t see any mold. I think they are still good! Hot dogs for lunch, it is!

I cooked the hot dogs. When I opened the bag full of rolls I saw a little spec of mold that I missed. Crud. It’s just one though, there are other rolls that still look okay.

Or do they?

Next time you inspect an older package of bread, make sure you look between the pieces, not just around the edges. Holy science experiment, Batman!

Denied.

The Stir Crazy Files – Episode 51

This one can be subtitled: M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.

Or, it can be subtitled: Mouse Day.

Or, alternative to the alternative, it could be subtitled: Ewww, Gross!

Jen and I both took vacation days today. At first the plan was for me to do music and her to do… work. I know, it doesn’t seem logical, but when you’re as high up on the management food chain as she is, sometimes telling people you’re on vacation is the best way to get a lot of work done.

That plan didn’t last long though. As I was finishing up the mix on the song in the previous post, Jen asked if we could just take a drive to get out of the house. That sounded like a great idea to me so we loaded up the car with face masks and rubber gloves and hand sanitizer and off we went.

Something in the Kia smelled funny. I smelled it last week when I was doing car music, but despite the gigantic honker on the end of my face, my sense of smell is pretty wimpy. I smelled something when I got in the car, but by the time I started the engine it was gone.

Jen does not suffer from my weak sense of smell. She’s the opposite. Nothing gets past her. She smells it all. When she got into the car it turned her stomach a little. Something back there smelled bad. I got out and started investigating. I found some old juice boxes in the trunk. Was that it? Probably not. There were some candy wrappers and some empty drink bottles AND A DEAD MOUSE!

Yup, that was the problem. A little dead mouse in the back seat, passenger side foot well. Just lying there all dead like. I removed the poor bastard and gave him a proper burial. After that the smell was gone. I didn’t actually touch the corpse but let’s just say that a significant chunk of that little bottle of hand sanitizer was put to emphatic use.

The question everyone is asking now is, why does this rate as a stir crazy file?

Simple. The reason that mouse was allowed to somehow crawl into the back seat of our car and die is because we never use the cars anymore. Well, let’s say rarely instead of never. There’s no way this would have happened if we were driving to work and back each day. Mickey wouldn’t have had the time to find a way into the cabin and probably would have been killed by the motor somewhere or other while trying.

So when push comes to shove, COVID-19 killed that mouse. We need to add one to the count for today. Bastard.