Tag: pneumonia

I’m Confused and Conflicted and I Don’t Know What to Do

It looked like Mom took a turn for the worse last night. We all rushed over to her again and watched as her breathing got labored and she was moaning and rattling. Visiting hours ended. I could have stayed overnight again but I had to sleep and didn’t want to take up one of the three overnight visiting slots so I went home and went to bed. I slept for nearly eight hours but still feel exhausted. I also thought it was okay to leave because I had a gut feeling…

…and I was right. As the night wore on the breathing became more normal and the rattling almost stopped. She’s back to where she was when I stayed overnight on Friday/Saturday. I have to go back to work. I can’t miss a huge chunk of a third consecutive week. My boss and my boss’ boss both told me it was okay, but I can’t continue to do this for my own reasons. My conscience won’t let me. That means I can’t stay over night during the week either. I just can’t do it anymore.

We had a hospice nurse tell us that parents don’t die in front of their children. They hang on until the kids are out of the room and then go. I don’t believe that is factual at all. Is there anecdotal evidence to support the theory? Yes. Mountains of it. A little internet digging shows that there are zillions of people who claim this happened to them. Is there scientific evidence? Not that I see. I think people attribute cosmic interference to pure coincidence. Having said that, maybe it’s time to give in and embrace the anecdotes. Maybe it’s time to devote less time to the vigil.

I know what I have to do but I fucking hate that I am even considering it. I just want her to be at peace. I want her suffering to end.

Coming to the End

I got about an hour of sleep last night after work but before I went over to the hospital. I got maybe 20 minutes of sleep overnight as I was taking the night shift of staying with my mother. When I got home I got maybe another hour of sleep. I punched in to work a little before 1:00 and was almost immediately told that my mother’s doctor is saying she’s coming to the end of the line. He expects that she will go either tonight or tomorrow.

Jen and I are going to go over once we get out of work, which for me is in just a few minutes (I’m leaving early) and for her was still up in the air, but won’t be too long. I am not planning to stay over night again. I just can’t do it. I will be back as soon as I can tomorrow morning though, and I will be available to bring my father back and forth as much as he needs.

The doctor said if we haven’t said our goodbyes yet, we should. I had a moment of clarity from my mother that was all I ever needed. I told her I loved her as I was leaving the ER last Tuesday and she said she loved me too. Given the advanced state of her dementia, that was pretty much the greatest thing that could happen. I am never going to forget that moment. On Friday last week we had another moment where my father and my brother and sister and I were all in the room with her saying goodbye. At that time we all thought the end was upon us and we didn’t realize she was going to hang on for another week… she’s a tough old gal, my mom. I will never forget that moment either.

I will never get a better goodbye than either of those moments. I will hang onto them forever.

Send my mother some happy thoughts tonight, if you would.

No News

I was able to get about 7.5 hours of sleep last night and that was very much needed. I didn’t get any news about mom overnight. My sister was there last night. I think my next overnight is tomorrow. My brother, Jen, and I got to meet with the doctor yesterday afternoon and he reiterated to us that every patient in this situation is different, so we don’t really have any signs to point to that will tell us how things are progressing. She’s in Care Measures Only, or Hospice right now so it’s just a waiting game.

I just heard from my sister that, as I suspected by the lack of text messages, overnight was quiet. We will see how things go today. I am going to try and work through the morning. We will see how that goes too. Hopefully I’ll be able to get Dad to see her again today. He isn’t able to stay for long, but I hope we can get him as much time with her as we can.

What’s Going On

My mother went to the emergency room on Tuesday morning because the staff at her nursing home felt she was behaving oddly. After a few hours they came back with a surprising and alarming diagnosis, pneumonia. She was admitted on Tuesday morning.

On Thursday night my father and brother were talking and my father said what we were all thinking. Enough. It’s time to start looking at this from a quality of life standpoint and think that we need to just do what we can to make her comfortable. They started talking about hospice care. On Friday morning I went over to my father’s place and we continued the conversation. We’re all on the same page. It’s time to start looking into hospice.

My brother is my mother’s healthcare proxy so he tried getting the ball rolling with the hospital. I was taking my turn staying with my mother and I tried to do what little I could to get the case manager and my brother on the phone with each other. It worked, but it sort of didn’t matter. After they talked, the doctor called him and blew what little planning we had in place to bits and pieces. The pneumonia was likely the result of her being unable to swallow food anymore. They took her off solid food and oral medications. He didn’t say that this was it, but he hinted strongly that this was it. He didn’t tell us to get to the hospital immediately, but he did say he was arranging for a priest to give the last rights.

Obviously we all raced to the hospital. We all broke down and came unglued and balled our eyes out as the reality of the situation hit us. We have no idea how much time she has left, but it isn’t much. Her nurse at the time suggested CMO care, which stands for Comfort Measures Only. Sort of like hospice on steroids, maybe? We agreed to that, while still waiting on the hospice evaluation which was planned tentatively for today, Saturday. She was moved to a private room so that we wouldn’t have to worry about a roommate. We don’t want her to be alone at the end. Her mother was terrified of that when her time came and we want to avoid it for her too. My sister stayed until a little before 5:00am, then my brother took a shift, and then I came on at noon. Jen was with me last night and she came with me today. There were a lot of family visitors too and we were only alone with her for a short time.

At this point she is on a couple of medications that she’s taking IV, but that’s it. Her breathing is difficult but keeping her comfortable is the goal. We don’t know what’s coming next, but we’re preparing ourselves for anything at this point.

And that is what is going on. Jen and I are home to get some dinner but will be going back soon. I am going to try to bring my father back tomorrow. My sister in law got him there today. I want him to get as much time with her as possible.

This is completely awful.

Last Rites

When I woke up this morning I knew it was going to be a tough day. I didn’t think the catholic kid I used to be long ago would see the last rites performed for the first time ever.

What a massively suck day today has been.

Friday

It is Friday.  That is good.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  That is better.

My wife seemed a little better last night, but she said she felt just as lousy.  She’s wondering if the antibiotics are causing an allergic reaction.  I hope not.  She’s working from home today.  The kids are going to an arcade with their father and then coming back to our house.  My worries about the reaction to Santa’s gifts is a little less today than it was a couple of days ago.  They are both using things that didn’t seem to go over all that well when they were opened.  That makes me happy.

We don’t have much planned for the weekend.  We had a get together scheduled with Larry and family and Mike and family, but pneumonia has postponed that for a couple of weeks.  It will be good to see everyone all at once again.  It’s been much too long.

All that’s left is a trip to the Apple store.  The kids and I all got iPads for Christmas (yes, we are all spoiled rotten.  Mostly me!) and the kids want to get cases for theirs.  I thought that maybe if Jen is feeling better by Sunday afternoon we might take a shot at seeing The Hobbit, but that’s probably not the smartest idea on my part.  Mostly we should just stay home and take care of Mom.  I think that is the best plan.  I’ll take care of any errands that need to be run, and the kids can stay in their pajamas, which they both love to do.

It’s the last weekend of 2012.  Let’s hope 2013 gets off to a healthier start for all of us.

A Crappy Couple of Weeks

You know what?  These last two weeks or so have pretty much sucked.  Christmas and Christmas Eve celebrations have been the only bright spots in an otherwise ugly period of time.

First I got sick with what was probably the flu.  Immediately after that, my wife got sick with what appeared to be the same bug.  We still had a lot of Christmas shopping and prepping to go but we spent most of the week prior to the holiday in a nyquil induced haze of uselessness.  Entire days were spent in bed trying to sleep through the illnesses.

Near the end of last week Jen started improving.  A day or so later I started to slowly improve.  We scrambled through the end of the Christmas shopping, and started getting ready for the Christmas Eve party, but for the most part it was just a struggle to keep ourselves up and at ’em.  Once I started to feel a tiny bit better, Jen started feeling worse.  Oh great.  Christmas Eve came and she fought her way through the cooking and hosting like a trooper.  Christmas day she did the same, all while getting sicker and sicker.  We both felt like Santa was at less than his best this year.  Jen took care of all of it, and I am dazzled by the success she had, but I feel like I could have been more helpful, and if we hadn’t lost that week to the flu we could have made some of the kids’ last minute gift wishes come true.  That was a big part of the problem this year, the kids took their sweet time putting together a wish list and in the end my step son was still asking for things as late as 12/23, and then come Christmas morning he was expecting to get those things.  He tried to act like he wasn’t disappointed, but we could tell he was a little bit.  Next year I need to do a better job getting a list to Santa out of them both as early as humanly possible.  I might have them start taking notes on ideas for next year, tonight.

Don’t get me wrong, Christmas was a big success.  Everyone was happy.  I just feel like I should have contributed more, and I failed to surprise Jen at all.  She got great stuff.  It’s just that everything she got was on her wish list.  I didn’t manage to wow her with anything.  As for the kids, the last paragraph makes it sound like they got socks and underwear and nothing else.  That’s not true.  They got new iPads!  They got awesome games.  They got books that they are going to love.  They got a lot of great stuff.  I just wanted to do better by them and I couldn’t because I spent the week leading up to Christmas as a flu riddled basket case.

So maybe you’re asking, this is all in the past.  Why is that fat red head saying that he’s still having a bad week?  Well for me, New Years is ruined because of work.  I’m on call all day, and they are guaranteed to work my fat ass off all day and night.  It’s going to suck.  I still have a lingering cold and cough.  Not bad, but it is still there.  As for Jen?  Oh nothing.  Just fricken walking pneumonia, that’s all.  She kept getting sicker so she went to the doctor yesterday and got the news.  Pneumonia!  Are you serious?  How bad does that suck!  She feels really sick and she is just miserable about it.  I feel miserable because I’m here at work and not at home rubbing her feet and cooking her some Campbell Chicken Noodle Soup.  I should be home with her right now, but instead I am here working.  I hate it.

So what it comes down to is this.  This week and last week have sucked in many ways.  I am hopeful that things will start turning around soon, but the next few days still may be a continuance of the current suck fest.

Send some get well wishes to my beautiful bride.  She’s an angel and she needs to feel better soon.