Not Like the Old Days

My mother has The Price is Right on the TV in her room. She’s not watching it, she’s reading the paper. I’m working down the hall from her and I can hear everything.

They just had the contestants bid on a pair of trips. One was to Utah and the other to Rhode Island.

Utah and Rhode Island……

I know it’s just a bidding round and not a showcase showdown (I cannot believe that I still remember that name) but come on… Utah and Rhode Island?

This is not the The Price is Right that I remember.

Family Feud

The fuck?

My mother has Family Feud on the television right now. I’m not sure if she’s actually watching it, but it’s on.

I can’t see the TV but I can hear it. They were just at the end of an episode in the bonus money round, or whatever the hell they call it. One of the questions was, “how long is Harry Potter’s magic wand?”

First of all… magic wand? No. Screw you. It’s wand, not magic wand. What do you think this is, some stupid abracadabra story? Fuck you.

I didn’t hear what the first player gave as an answer. The second player said 12 inches. Moron. Then they gave the scores and the player got a good total off of the question. Uh uh, no way. Then Steve Harvey said that 12 inches was the number one answer.

Well fuck you right in your stupid fuck you. 12 inches? No. Everyone knows that Harry Potter’s wand is 11 inches long. ELEVEN INCHES. Not 12. Morons. It’s bad enough that the contestant said 12, but to learn that most of the people surveyed said 12 too?

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Fucking death eater sympathizers. There’s no hope for us.

Want to Live on Mars?

Would you like to live on Mars?

In a totally related yet seemingly unrelated question, Would you like to spend the rest of your life as a reality TV star?

If the answer to both questions is yes, then have I got a link you need to read!  Click on this article and prepare to be dazzled.

So you have to be mentally and physically healthy, smart, and over 18 years old in order to apply to be a Martian colonist.

Allow me to quote one thing from the article:

“Gone are the days when bravery and the number of hours flying a supersonic jet were the top criteria,” Norbert Kraft, Mars One’s chief medical director and a former NASA researcher, said in a statement.

I think Norbert might have misspoke a little here.  I think bravery might still be a necessity for anyone planning to move to an uninhabitable planet for the rest of their lives.  I think that if you are planning to do that for a living, forever, you should probably have a solid set of balls (literally or figuratively).  Just saying.

I think the funding plan for this is absolutely hilarious.  Just think of the 24/7 (actually, how long is a day on Mars, and how would we define a week there?) television coverage of the people living in the artificial habitat.  How long would it last before they start scripting the daily events.  How long until they send a space craft full of eligible, sexy, single women along with a great big bucket of red roses so that they can air The Bachelor: Mars once a week?  Think of the ratings!

I may sound cynical about this project, but I have to say… if I were 18 and could speak Dutch?  I would totally go for it.

We’re coming for you, Marvin the Martian.  I don’t know when we’re going to get there, but we are going to get there.