Tag: fear

Network Fun

I had 15 minutes to go until a meeting with a customer. Not just any meeting, but a meeting where I was going to have to present something to them. Now I don’t talk to customers directly. It’s not in my job description. That being said, we’re all in this together and we are all one big happy team, and if the folks who usually do talk to the customers directly are tied up in other things I am happy to pitch in. Happy yes, stress free? Hell no.

The information I needed to present would, best case scenario, involve two, maybe three sentences and that was it. If they asked me questions I told the people I was covering for that I would panic quietly and then mumble responses until they stopped asking. I was kidding, of course. I didn’t expect any questions. I expected my speaking time to be wrapped up in a manner of seconds. Still… yikes.

Then that happy moment, about 15 minutes before the meeting… when our entire network went down. Oh… no… now what do we do??

I wasn’t going to be able to join the call… potentially neither was any of the other 50-70 or so people who were scheduled to represent my company… and we had no way of letting each other know, and no way of letting the customer know. What do we do?

One guy in my building who fortunately sits near me found a work around and yelled it out. Everyone else yelled it out too. I got onto the call with seconds to spare, then waited about 20 minutes for my turn to speak, then spoke my two sentences and asked for questions and there were none.

Oh, what a relief that was. Over and done.

After that I spent two hours on another meeting and now I am going to spend the next 90 minutes on yet another meeting. What a thrill! I just want to go home and go to bed.

No Regrets

Daily writing prompt
Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.
View all responses

There are a few I could use for this prompt. Mostly things that I have talked about at length in other prompts. I am at work right now and have a ton of things going on, so I will be brief today. You won’t have to dig far back to find more details, I don’t think.

Was getting married a risk? Do people see marriage as a risk? What about proposing? I ask because my gut tells me that will be a common topic of discussion today, but for me it is not. Getting married was not something I saw as a risk, it was something I saw as destiny. I wanted it so bad that I never saw it as something to be nervous about. It was something I couldn’t not do, know what I mean? It’s been almost 15 years since we said, “I do” to each other and it’s still far and away the best thing I have done. I could never claim it was a risk. Nothing could be further from the truth.

So what do I write about then? It has to be my college experience. Or should I say experiences. I started college in the Fall of 1989 as a music student with a focus in sound recording. I dropped out after the Fall 1991 semester. That was a risk. I still view that as much one huge failure in my life. It turned out to be the right move, but it’s still a massive fail.

In October 1992 I went to a tech school in Boston that doesn’t exist anymore and did a one year program studying sound recording. I graduated with excellent grades but struggled to find work afterwards. Going to that school probably counts as a risk, but it’s a low risk. I didn’t have much of a shot at success. Not due to the school, but due to my personality. On some level I probably knew all along that I was just stalling to keep the real world at bay for a year. I ended up doing warehouse work and being pretty miserable.

In the Fall of 1997 I went back to school. That was the biggest risk. I had a job. I was doing poorly but sort of getting by. Going back to school full time at the age of 26 was a tough choice but I was hopeful that it would pay off. It took a while to graduate, including changing schools once, but I did and I got a job and I started a career that I like and then I met a girl on myspace and she was amazing and you know the rest based on what I wrote a few paragraphs back.

So stopping what passed for my life in my mid-20’s and starting over was a major risk for me, but it is one that I don’t regret at all. I am very happy with the way things turned out.

Scream

That sound you’ve been hearing off in the distance since about 2:00am is just me screaming in fear and frustration and uselessness and incompetence and all sorts of things like that.

You know how things get at 2:00am.

My Gut’s Last Day

Hello and welcome to Tuesday May 3, 2022. The last full day with my stomach and small intestine working in their DNA designed manner.

At some point tomorrow my digestive system will have an entirely new workflow.

I’m on my pre-op liquid diet and I’m literally afraid to do anything. They told me I can have all the protein shakes I want today, but should I? What if a bit of powder doesn’t dissolve right and it acts like food and sits in my stomach and they have to postpone?

Right. Relax, red head. Go drink a shake, you paranoid doofus.

The Moment is Almost Here

Jen and I had dinner together. We also had dessert. I had more dessert than I’m willing to admit, but I wasn’t too bad. Just mildly bad.

The shit is about to get really real. It’s 9:00pm. In three hours my liquids-only diet starts. 24 hours after that I’ll be fasting until the surgery.

I’ll find out tomorrow afternoon when the start time will be. I’m hoping earlier rather than later. I want to get it over with, you know?

Be prepared for frequent, nervous posts followed by a black out sometime on Wednesday. I don’t want to try to post anything while I’m goofed up on anesthetic, you know?

Two days. Panicking in so many subtle ways.

10 Minutes to Go

10 minutes until quittin’ time on this chilly, cloudy Thursday in April.

I really need a haircut. We’re talkin’ desperately need a haircut. I should really go and take care of it on the way home tonight, but guess what I am not going to do. I’ve been in the office all day and I just want to get home and see my brilliant, beautiful wife.

I could try to go tomorrow before my doctors appointment, but I think we can all agree that isn’t happening either. Depending on how long the “class” takes, I might be able to squeeze one in before I have to punch into work. That’s a definite possibility.

I don’t want to go over the weekend because Covid-19 is still a thing even though no one acts like it anymore. Well, no one but me and Jen at least. Maybe not no one, but you dig what I’m saying. If I have to I could probably do it before work on Monday. Not Tuesday though. On Tuesday I’ll be on my clear liquids only diet and I’ll be freaking out.

So I’ll have it done by Monday.

The other big question coming up… if my Surgery is on Wednesday, when am I going to get a chance to see the season finale of MoonKnight? I might watch it when Disney+ posts it at 3:00am Eastern time because I sure as shit am not going to be sleeping much. We’ll see. They are going to call me on Tuesday to tell me what time the surgery is booked. I won’t know before then. Just a little tiny thing adding to the little tiny (Himalayas sized) stress.

Yippee!

Lunch Break

I’ve been eating too much at lunch. I’ve been eating too much at dinner. I’ve been eating too much after dinner. The rest of the day is generally aces.

We’re six days away from the surgery. Gastric Bypass. It sounds like road construction and to a degree it is. I’ve probably said this a few times before, but as scared as I am of having my guts chopped up I am more afraid of what comes after. This isn’t just a cosmetic surgery thing where you loose tons of weight and then carry on with your life. The surgery itself is just one small part of the process. You need to follow it up by completely changing everything. That’s what’s stressing me out today. Well… that’s part of it.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. It’s the first of a series of classes where they will teach me what to do when I get home. I have to relearn how to eat and drink. I have to relearn how to prepare food. I have to relearn how to react when my guts talk to me. Miss a hint from your insides and end up praying to the porcelain god for an hour. that sort of thing. The first class covers living through the first couple of weeks. The second class is the second couple of weeks, and so on and so forth.

I’m doing my best to stay optimistic about the whole thing, but it’s getting hard to focus on the positive. It’s getting hard to focus on anything. I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. Until then…

Back to work.

Ramping Up the Irrational Fear

My first Psych appointment is one hour and 39 minutes from now. Let’s bring on the irrational fear, shall we? I am super nervous but I cannot say what I am nervous about. What the hell are we going to talk about? Is there something wrong with my brain that will stop me from having the surgery? Is there something wrong with my brain that if I do go through with the surgery will stop me from being able to handle the post-surgery routine?

Am I just crazy?

One hour and 36 minutes until we find out.

Kitchens

We had a meeting with a kitchen guy at Home Depot tonight. 20 minutes into the meeting we all realized he wasn’t the guy we needed to be talking to.

Jen has been itching for a new kitchen for over a year now. We really can’t afford it, and every time we looking into doing one thing it pulls in five other things and the cost estimate balloons and we back off. We’re going to try again though. This time we’re thinking more of an upgrade or a face lift and less of a remodel. The guy we thought we were talking to tonight is going to come over for a look see tomorrow. Another guy will come on Wednesday for a look see to see about getting rid of the awful paneling and wall paper border in the kitchen and the dining room.

We’re not agreeing to anything yet but hopefully we’ll be able to make it work. I want this to happen because I want my love to be pleased. We’ll see.

The main issue in all of this is that Covid is hardly over. I am not nervous the way I was a year ago, but I am still less than comfortable with it all. I can’t complain though, as I am going to the office regularly and I am going to the weight loss clinic and I am even thinking about getting the band together. I fear I am being selfish by being concerned. I’m not though. I am concerned about everything, I just can’t do much about any of it anymore.

In other news, the album in a day idea might be back on, but it won’t start until morning. I haven’t decided yet. We’ll see. Also, I have an afternoon appointment at the weight loss clinic on Thursday. The weight loss clinic is on the way to Guitar Center in Nashua. I wonder if I might go early and bring my Strat. Also maybe bring my Bassbreaker 18/30. Also, I think we have a Guitar Center credit card. Maybe I’ll bring that too. No promises. I would say I am about on third in favor of going and two thirds against. We’ll see how I feel on Thursday.

Okay, going to watch the Bruins. They are tied with the LA Kings, one a piece after one period.

Appointment Day

I am meeting with the surgeon who will (please please please) eventually carve up my stomach today. The appointment is about two hours from now.

I am starting to freak out.

Why?

I don’t know. It’s not like I am going to get sliced up today, it’s just a meeting. We will hopefully discuss the two surgery options and decide which one to go with. I can’t imagine she’s going to look at me and decide I’m not worthy and just tell me to go fuck myself up a tree or something.

The future of the human race is not in the balance here. I need to calm my idiotic self down.

One hour and 56 minutes to go.

Stop freaking out.