Noisy Birds

The weather is spectacular today. Clear, sunny, mild temps in the mid-70’s. Perfect. Everything you want from June in New England.

I have the windows open and the AC off so it should be super quiet. It’s not though. The birds, man. The birds are being crazy loud. It’s like Bird Coachella or something. It feels like any minute now Roger McGuinn and David Crosby are going to tear into Eight Miles High*.

*Get it??? Noisy birds??? The Byrds??? Get it???

Sorry, Birds

I took the trash out this morning. When I opened the door I scared the shit out of two birds who were sitting on the steps.

Sorry, birds.

I walked down the steps and across the driveway to get to the barrels and I scared the shit out of a rabbit that was hiding between the cars.

Sorry, bunny.

I didn’t see any squirrels when I got to the barrels but I flipped them off in general, purely out of spite.

Fuck you, squirrels.

Back inside, I changed the cat’s litter box. When I took that bag out to the trash I scared the shit out of a chipmunk that was sitting on the step.

Sorry, chipmunk.

I dropped the bag full of discarded litter box contents into the trash barrel. The same barrel that the squirrels gnawed their way into so they can eat everything.

Eat cat shit, squirrels.

Gozer: Addendum

This post is a follow up to the one from earlier today that was titled, “The One Where I Become Gozer the Destroyer.”

As also noted in a previous post, my step daughter and I had to go to the mall for something.  When we came home, we saw the saddest thing you would ever be cursed to see (probably not, but you probably know where I’m going with this).  Momma bird and Daddy bird were sitting on the railing at the back steps, right underneath the light that used to be their home.  Momma bird kept flying up to the light and kinda circling around… in a very confused manner.  Daddy bird just sat there on the railing.  I could almost read his mind.  He was thinking, “what the frig, bro?”

There was one silver lining.  As my step daughter and I were sitting in the car we cheered Momma bird on as she carefully flew her way over to the new location of her old home.  Eventually she actually flew into the light fixture and hung out there for a moment.  Now all we have to do is hope they move into the new location.

All the while we were watching, I had this image in my head.  It was Momma bird.  She said to Daddy bird, “but where is our home?  Where am I going to have the babies?  I’m due to lay these eggs any second now!  Oh Daddy bird, what are we going to do?”

I feel like a jerk.  A bird jerk.

The One Where I Become Gozer the Destroyer

I am the destructor, the destroyer of worlds.  I bend nature to my every whim and control the lives of the lesser with fury and vengeance.

I posted a picture of a bird nest the other day.  Two little sparrows were building a home in the light fixture above our back steps.  They could do this because last winter the cold air resulted in two of the four pains of glass shattering.  They were a happy little bird family, just starting their new lives together and building a home for themselves, and maybe down the line they would hear the pitter patter of little bird feet.

Then came the destructor.

Last night Jen was home.  She had the outside light on for a while, as we usually do when not everyone is home.  It’s hard to see to unlock the door from the outside if the light is off, so we often just leave it on.  Unfortunately yesterday she happened to catch sight of a little piece of the bird nest as it started to smolder.  Well, that’s not good!  She turned off the light and left it off.  Good move, lovey!

Our house has two front doors.  One is to the side of the house, near the garage, and right at the top of the driveway.  That’s the one we use.  That’s also the one with the nest.  I call it the back door, but it is in no way anywhere even closely related to the back.  The other is right smack in the middle of the front of the house and bisects the living room and the dining room.  We do not use that door.  In fact, the desk where I am sitting at this very moment is next to that door, and I have it blocked with a little tray table that I use as an extension of said desk.

Both doors have the same light fixture.  This morning, a footstool, flat head screwdriver, and I all went outside to force our evil will upon nature.  I knocked on the light a few times to wake up any unsuspecting sparrows.  No one was home.  I then removed the light fixture.

I gotta admit, I was nervous.  I know it’s only been a couple of days, but I was afraid there would be eggs in the nest.  Even a bringer of destruction and doom like me would feel bad about killing babies.  Fortunately, the nest was empty.  Truthfully, it’s probably been empty since it almost caught on fire.  Birds are smarter than people in some (all) ways, right?

Next, I swapped the side door light fixture with the front door light fixture.  We can now use the light over the door we actually use, and the birds can use the light over the door we never use, which implies that we never use the light either.  If the birds can find the thing, of course.  I know they can fly down South for the winter, but I don’t know if they can navigate the 15 yards from one door to the next.

So there you have it, folks.  I am like Gozer from Ghostbusters.  I am the destroyer.  I bent the natural world to suit my own selfish needs (and by selfish needs I mean, please don’t burn down our house, you stupid birds).

I hope they find the new location and rebuild the nest.  I was hoping for baby birds this year.

Was that a bird chirping right outside the door I just heard?