I’m at home. My stomach has been a mess the last two days, probably because I’ve had protein bars for almost all of my meals for over a week and now it’s fighting back. I had to go home and eat something real, and I’ve just been dealing with an acidy stomach that is churning and bubbling and a little nauseous and being weird. Last night I had a full on foamies as well. Tonight was a little better but I am afraid to be too far away from a safe and secure bathroom. Sorry about the TMI, but there you have it.

I was planning on going to work tomorrow but now I don’t know. They are not expecting me to come in (thank you for that) but I might work a little in the morning. Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. I simply don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll just wake up and go back to the hospice place and wait for however long it takes. I just don’t know.

I’ve been at the hospice facility for almost six hours now. My father has been asleep almost the entire time. His breathing is a little shallow and every now and then it sounds a little labored but for the most part he is consistent.

I don’t know what any of that means. I don’t know how long this is going to go on. I do know that they are telling us he will not be getting better and will only get worse.

I also know that my heart is breaking and that it’s only been a year and a half since we went through something very similar with my mother and I haven’t quite gotten over that experience yet and now here we are in the exact same room doing it all again.

I just don’t want him to be in pain. I don’t want him to suffer. I also don’t want him to go. I guess I am just a selfish son. Something along those lines at least.

I do have to work the next three days, though I should be able to swing a half day the day after tomorrow. My visit times will be limited until the weekend.

All in all I would much rather be visiting him at his apartment and watching a few innings worth of a Red Sox game. I would much rather that.