How Do You Spell Masochist?

Self torture, thy name is Robert.

Fudge.

I just watched last night’s episode of Walking Dead World Beyond. My spoiler free review of the episode? Meh. Just like all of the World Beyond episodes. It’s not terrible, it’s just dull.

That’s it, right? End of post, right?

I am a moron at heart so no, that’s not it. Four minutes ago I started last night’s episode of Fear the Walking Dead. It’s already one of the dumbest things I ever watched. In the previously on recap we watched two characters out-run a nuclear bomb blast. No, seriously. That happened. They out ran a nuclear explosion. Seeing that on the recap ties this episode for the dumbest episode in television history. It’s tied with the episode the scene originally came from.

Last night when 9:00pm came along I told myself I was done. Completeness be damned, I was not going to watch that idiotic, terrible, horrible, no good show again (unless I go back and rewatch season one through three, especially three which was friggin brilliant)… and now here I am watching the new episode.

Friggin idiot.

ADDENUM: Saved by the unconscionably shitty AMC app. I started watching on my laptop. It worked fine. After the last post I thought I’d get into bed and watch the rest on my iPad using the AMC app. Last nights episode is only available if you’re logged in. I refuse to create an AMC account so that’s out. I then tried to watch in a browser. It won’t load the episode. Fuck. You.

The Stand: Not Quite Spoiler Free Review

I’ve already written one mostly spoiler free commentary about the new CBS mini series version of Stephen King’s The Stand. Now that the final episode is out I can give another mostly spoiled free review that briefly covers the whole thing.

I’m trying to stay spoiler free, but I can’t guarantee success. If you want to watch the series and you don’t want even vague hints at how it goes then you should stop reading now.

Last warning.

Okay, kids. Here we go.

The best part of The Stand is that it’s over. Good lord this series is awful. Just terrible. Like, I’ve read the book (both the original and the expanded versions) multiple times and I can’t even begin to imagine how they could have missed the mark so thoroughly and completely and massively screwed up such a fantastic story. The level of awful cannot be overstated.

The first half of the book is the world falling apart. The second half is putting it back together while the good guys face off with the bad guys. In the series it opens up in the second half of the story and gives a few flashbacks to the first half. It basically skipped everything you wanted to see. In the book the good guys congregate in one city and the bad guys in another. In the series, literally everything that happens in the bad guy city is so horribly bad it is unwatchable. The setting, the mood, the dialog, the acting, the casting, the writing, it’s all so bad it was painful to sit through. The good guy city is better, much better, but they still miss all the things that made the book so good.

The best parts of the series, with a couple of exceptions, are boring. Not bad per se, just boring and uninteresting. The exceptions being the final episode, which was mostly pretty good. We knew going in that King had written a mostly new ending. It’s not that good, but it’s okay. the other exception is Greg Kinnear who is excellent as Glen. When he’s on the screen it’s almost good enough to make up for everything else being so boring.

The worst parts of the series are so far off the mark they made me feel sick. In the book the bad guy sets up a society that is basically a police state. Law, order, peace, safety, all paid for by the removal of all human rights and freedoms. Trump would have loved it. In the movie his town is depicted as one part orgy and one part gladiator blood sport. 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So instead of Flag being this menacing behind the scenes villain, he’s a pimp. They couldn’t have made it worse if they actively tried. Even the climactic ending was depicted in such an absolutely stupid way that I was thinking about offing myself so that I wouldn’t have to watch it all the way through.

All of that is maddeningly terrible, but it’s still better than whatever the hell Ezra Miller was doing. To say that his performance is the worst display of acting I’ve ever seen is possibly the biggest understatement in the history of language.

If you’ve read the book, I recommend that you never, ever try to watch this series. If you haven’t read the book, I still recommend that you never, ever try to watch this series. I don’t think it is humanly possible to tell the story of The Stand and make it worse than this. It can’t be done.

GarageBand for OS X Mavericks Review

I had to upgrade GarageBand on my MacBook today in order to use files from my iPad. Here is a quick review based on my first thirty minutes or so of use.

The new Mavericks version of GarageBand…

SUCKS!

I HATE IT!

What did you idiots do? This was the best program on Earth for quick and easy recording projects. Now it’s GARBAGE!

I am so pissed off.