NHL Stanley Cup Final Predictions

You know something? This NHL playoff season has sucked. Suck Suck Sucked. My predictions have sucked, but they always suck. This year the teams and the matchups suck. It’s like the universe has been letting teams advanced based mostly on how little I care about them.

How did my third round predictions work out? Badly. As usual.

Eastern Conference, Whalers vs Panthers: I fucking hate the Florida Panthers. I hate the Whaler-canes too, but I hate Florida even more. As if that nazi prick Desantis weren’t disgusting enough, now the Panthers advance to the Cup Final? Fuck them. I picked the Whale, of course, and I guaranteed they would lose. Pricks. That makes me six out of 13 for the post season, which drops me below 50%. Asshats. The coin flip picked the Whale too so it is now five out of 13. Suck.

Western Conference, Golden Knights vs Stars: I feel almost redeemed here. I picked Vegas. I thought they were going to sweep but they blew two games and made it look like a series before winning in six. They bring me back to 50% at seven out of 14. Thankfully. The coin flip picked Dallas and lost yet again. That’s five out of 14 for a pathetic 35.7%.

So that leaves the final, and I am guessing based on my statement in the Eastern Conference Final recap you can guess who I am going to pick.

Stanley Cup Final Round, Vegas Golden Knights vs the Fucking Florida Panthers: Can you guess who I am picking? Go on, guess. Vegas. Hockey Gods willing, they’ll win it in four, but I can’t be that lucky. The coin flip was heads, so it picks the higher seed, and that is Vegas. We’re both picking the Western Conference champs because Florida sucks. Fuck Florida. Fuck them right in their fucking ears.

If Vegas wins, I will have picked more than half of the matchups correctly. If Vegas loses I will have picked more than half of the matchups incorrectly. Given the results of the first three rounds, I can pretty much bank on Vegas losing because hockey as a living entity hates me almost as much as I hate Florida. Fucking Panther pricks.

I Hate the Florida Panthers

After reading that the Florida Panthers advanced to the Stanley Cup Final last night I wanted to take a brief moment to remind everyone that I friggin’ hate them.

I asked Google Bard to write a short blog post about how the Florida Panthers are dicks. It gave me some crap about how they play dirty. It had a bunch of stats but I hate the team too much to verify them all and then post it here. Stupid scruples. I also asked Google Bard to write a short blog post about how no one wants them to win the cup. It gave me something that said how much fun they are to watch and how skilled they are but how no one wants them to win the cup because they are too skilled and too much fun to watch.

Thanks for nothing, Google Bard.

Still, I don’t need AI to tell me why I hate the Florida Panthers. I have that first round choke by the Boston Bruins to remind me… and it will remind me forever and ever. Fucking Bruins. Fucking Panthers. Hopefully Vegas wins the West tonight and they bitch slap Florida with a four game sweep in the final. Pretty please.

NHL Second Round Predictions

Who the hell cares. Why do I bother? This sucks.

First round recap, starting in the East:

Bruins vs Panthers: Fuck you. I’m 0/1 and so is the coin flip.

Maple Leafs vs Lightning: I picked the Leafs so I am 1/2. The coin flip (aka Siri) picked the Lightning so it’s 0/2.

Whalers vs Islanders: I picked the Whale even though it hurt my soul. I am 2/3. The coin flip picked New York because it has no soul and is now 0/3.

Devils vs Rangers: The coin and I both picked The Devils. I am 3/4 and it is 1/4. I mean… at least both New York teams lost. We’ve got that to be happy about, right?

On to the West!

Avalanche vs Kraken: I picked Seattle because I thought it would be funny to pick a zero chance underdog. I was right. I am 4/5. The coin picked Colorado and is 1/5.

Stars vs Wild: The coin and I both picked the Twinkies and we were both wrong. I am 4/6 and the coin is 1/6.

Golden Knights vs Jets: The coin and I both picked Vegas and we were both right. I am 5/7 and the coin is 2/7.

Oilers vs Kings: The coin and I both picked Edmonton and we were both right. I am 6/8 and the coin is 3/8.

Are you fucking kidding me? I only missed two series and one of them was Boston’s choking on their own ass? Screw you, universe! My winning percentage is 75%. The coin flip is at 37.5%.

Who really gives a shit about the second round at this point? Aw, fuck.

In the East…

Maple Leafs vs Panthers: Fuck you. I hate the Leafs but I am picking them because fuck Florida. Fuck them right in their fucking ears. The coin picks Florida because it has no soul. Remember, the coin flip is me asking Siri to flip a coin and heads means the higher seed while tails is the lower seed. This time it was tails.

Whalers vs Devils: Go Devils. Even though I am still pissed that you moved your AHL team out of Lowell. The coin picks the Whalers because it has no soul.

On to the West…

Stars vs Kraken: Okay, Dallas should own this but I’m sticking with Seattle. The coin agrees.

Golden Knights vs Oilers: I would have preferred this matchup in the third round but what can you do. I am picking Edmonton because I want to see an Oilers vs Kraken match up next round. The coin also picks the Oilers.

And there you have it. Traditionally my picks are awesome in the first round (fuck you, Bruins) and awful awful awful in the second round so take this at your own risk, m’kay?

I am so pissed off at the Bruins that I may never watch a single game for the rest of the year. This sucks.

NHL First Round Playoff Predictions

The first round of the NHL playoffs kick off tomorrow and I am freakin’ scared. My heroic Boston Bruins ran away with the regular season this year and shattered records left and right. The last time a team did that in the regular season was the Tampa Bay Lightning in 2019. How did they fare in the post season? They were swept in the first round. Yup, Robbie is scared.

Here are my very illogical predictions. Also there will be coin flip predictions because I haven’t a clue what I am talking about. The higher seed is heads and the lower is tails.

Eastern Conference

Bruins vs Panthers: Guess. Go on. Guess. The Bruins, babie. Coin flip? Heads. The coin (which is actually just Siri) picks The Bruins.

Maple Leafs vs Lightning: As much as it pains me, I am picking Toronto. Mostly because the universe requires them to lose to Boston. The coin flip is tails so Siri picks Tampa Bay. I can dig that.

Whalers vs Islanders: I want to pick the Islanders, I really do. I just don’t see The Whale losing this one. Coin flip? Tails. Siri picks the Islanders.

Devils vs Rangers: I really don’t want to pick the higher seed in every series, but I think I have to. I’m going with The Devils even though I am still pissed at them for pulling their AHL affiliate out of Lowell. Siri/coin? Heads. The universe picks New Jersey too.

On to the Western Conference where I don’t know jack about anything.

Avalanche vs Kraken: Based on nothing factual I am picking Seattle. Why? Because The Avalanche are the reigning cup winners and it’s Seattle’s first ever playoff appearance. Go Kraken! The coin, however, picks Colorado.

Stars vs Wild: In the epic battle of teams with one syllable names, I have no idea who to pick in this series. I’m going to say The Wild, only because I’ve actually been to one of their home games once. The coin flip agrees!

Golden Knights vs Jets: I want to pick The Jets but I can’t. Vegas is going to take this one. The coin flip agrees.

Oilers vs Kings: I want to pick the Kings, but I won’t. I’m picking The Oilers because they are going to win. Once again, the coin flip agrees. Edmonton might be my pick for the West. Unless Seattle kicks major ass.

So there we have it. My shitty picks for the first round of the 2023 playoffs. I don’t give a rats ass about any of them, just so long as The Bruins win the cup. Oh please, Bruins, win the cup.

MLB Wild Card Round

I wasn’t going to make any predictions for the MLB postseason this year. I’m just too out of touch, thanks to how terrible the Red Sox were. At lunch today though I read an article about the wild card round and… what the hell.

Let’s not call these predictions, let’s just call them the team I am rooting for in each series. Does that work for everyone?

American League Wild Card Round:

  • No. 6 Rays at No. 3 Guardians
    • There is no way in hell I am rooting for an American League East team. Let’s go Guardians.
  • No. 5 Mariners at No. 4 Blue Jays
    • There is no way in hell I am rooting for an American League East team. Let’s go Mariners

National League Wild Card Round:

  • No. 6 Phillies at No. 3 Cardinals
    • The Phillies were the first little league team I ever played for, back when I was eight years old. The Cardinals beat the Red Sox in the World Series in 1946 and 1967 before we spanked their asses in 2004. I traditionally hate the Cardinals, but this year… Albert Pujols’ last hurrah? Yeah, I am rooting for the Cardinals. Sorry, Phillies. Nothing personal.
  • No. 5 Padres at No. 4 Mets
    • Oh how I hate New York sports teams. Do you think I’ve forgotten about 1986? Oh no, I have not forgotten. Also, San Diego is like my second favorite US city. I’m rooting for the Pardres.

There you have it. My stupid picks for the first round of the playoffs. The Bruins season opens next week. Let’s go Bruins.

Game Seven

We are just a few minutes away from game seven of the Bruins first round series against the whalers.

The home team has won every game this round. We need that to change tonight as we are the road team.

There is no reason the Bruins can’t win this one. It’s been an even series, but I’ve got a good feeling today. Cautious optimism and everything.

Go Bruins!