I hit my goal for protein yesterday and I only missed my fluid goal by one ounce. I felt like I was in a good place as bed time approached.
It was about 11:00pm and I was trying to decide if I wanted to hate watch Fear the Walking Dead on the 11:15pm AMC replay or just pack it in for the night. I was sitting up in bed surfing around on my iPad when I realized I could only see the edges of the screen.
I don’t know about anyone else, but that vision thing has happened to me 3-4 times in my life and it’s very clearly the start of a migraine. In those few previous experiences the only help was darkness and sleep. It was bed time anyway so I quickly killed the lights, put on the CPAP mask, squeezed my eyes shut, and pulled the covers over my head. Fortunately I was asleep before the headache pain kicked in. I did wake up for a while a couple of hours later and there was definitely a headache. Fortunately, again, I was able to fall back to sleep pretty quickly.
When I woke up, at around 6:30am, I was better, I guess. My head was a little mushy but the pain was pretty much gone and my eyes were back to normal. Now, about four hours later, I am better still. I’m not 100%, but I am okay. I took out the trash, scooped the litter box, filled the bird feeder, and did a load of laundry. That’s a lot of work for me right now. I think it’s time to just watch some TV and calm my ass down for a while.
Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen again, and if it does let’s hope it waits a few years at least.
Remember a few days ago when I said my mother could use a little positive energy and I asked you to send any get well vibes you could spare in her direction?
I need to ask again.
I don’t have any details yet. My gut, which has no medical training beyond knowing how to apply a band-aid, tells me that it might be something with medications interacting in a weird way. Here’s hoping.
Do what you can, oh internet/universe. I appreciate the help.
Two hours until my cardiology appointment.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’m starting to feel really nervous. Like, full on scared.
This is good. This is worthwhile. This is a positive endeavor. Why the hell can’t I just calm down about it?
Ugh. Think I’ll change the cat litter to distract myself for 10 minutes.
Two hours to go.
My first Psych appointment is one hour and 39 minutes from now. Let’s bring on the irrational fear, shall we? I am super nervous but I cannot say what I am nervous about. What the hell are we going to talk about? Is there something wrong with my brain that will stop me from having the surgery? Is there something wrong with my brain that if I do go through with the surgery will stop me from being able to handle the post-surgery routine?
Am I just crazy?
One hour and 36 minutes until we find out.
I am meeting with the surgeon who will (please please please) eventually carve up my stomach today. The appointment is about two hours from now.
I am starting to freak out.
I don’t know. It’s not like I am going to get sliced up today, it’s just a meeting. We will hopefully discuss the two surgery options and decide which one to go with. I can’t imagine she’s going to look at me and decide I’m not worthy and just tell me to go fuck myself up a tree or something.
The future of the human race is not in the balance here. I need to calm my idiotic self down.
One hour and 56 minutes to go.
Stop freaking out.
My Zoom meeting with the weight loss surgery folks starts at 10:00. It’s 8:47. Yeah, I am starting to feel nervous. I have some chores to do to distract myself so hopefully it won’t get too bad.
I did what all nerdy programmer/analysts do when confronted with a problem. I started collecting data and putting it onto a spreadsheet. I know how much I weighed when I went to the clinic for the check in two weeks ago. I weighed myself again today. I’m down two pounds, which is nice. Two down and 600 or so to go. So maybe it’s not so nice. I don’t know, I am trying to keep my brain from spiraling out into horror movie fantasy land. It’s not easy for a guy like me to do that. It’s not unusual for my imagination to start driving the bus, if you know what I mean. Also, I have seen a lot of horror movies. The one movie that sparked my love of scary movies involved a surgeon. Let’s just leave it at that.
70 minutes to go. I think I’ll take out the trash and make the bed and see if I can upgrade the camera on the Mac.
69 minutes to go……
Am I starting to feel nervous? My first weight loss surgery appointment is Thursday morning. I can’t tell if I am actually nervous or not. I’ve been in a weird state of mind all day. Like… an odd bundle of energy that feels just sort of… off.
Tonight we were going to have spaghetti and red sauce for dinner. Turns out we didn’t have any sauce. Jen and I both thought we had a jar but we don’t. I was pretty sad. Like, damn dude, I was in the mood for some s’ghettie. Then Jen said that we should just say screw it and go to Five Guys and I was like, Kick Ass! Five Guys! Best French Fries Ever!
So I guess I am just in a weird, confused, you’re about to be scared shitless again, mood swinging state of mind.
Thursday. Thursday morning, to be exact. I can do this. I can do this.
Can I do this?
Yesterday we got good news on one important topic and not bad but not great news on another. We should be okay for today, right? No disasters looming in the immediate future?
Then why do I feel like there is a bomb ready to go off? I have a really bad feeling about today. And tomorrow. And Thursday and Friday too. This weekend is a Harry weekend. The last one before he leaves for college. I need to get there in one piece. We’re going to watch The Suicide Squad together. He’s already seen it twice. I don’t want to watch it without him.
I really need this weekend to be here. I really need what ever it is I am irrationally afraid is going to happen before then to be nice to me and not happen.
There were two big things going on in the extended family today. One was centered around my parents house. That doesn’t seem to have gone as well as I had hoped, but it was still all right. It wasn’t a slam dunk BOOM everything works out, but it was another step in the right direction. I’m just too impatient now to be happy about it.
The other thing was centered around my house, though it had nothing to do with Lake Asshole, and that seems to have gone much better. It isn’t the perfect solution, but all the boxes are checked and everyone seems happy so I am happy.
Now back to impatiently waiting for my parents thing to resolve… waiting… and waiting… and getting closer and closer to the inevitable nervous breakdown.
I knew today was going to be stressful. Lots of meetings, lots of important imminent deadline kind of things. Work was going to be busy. Then last night the hospital asked to have a call with all of us at some point today to review the next steps for my father. They will let us know when. So all of my stress-filled plans are in flux so that I can join a call that will likely cause my stress level to increase exponentially.
It’s going to be a rough one today. Next week, when things actually happen at the hospital, is going to be worse but I’ll hurl myself off that stress inducing bridge when I come to it.