Tag: existential dread

Another Day

Today is Wednesday and it is my third consecutive day in the office. The traffic was bad. I want to go home. It’s not even 9:00am yet and I already want to go home. I am going to have a super busy, super stressful work day today. I just don’t feel up to it. Ugh.

As I walked in this morning the guy who sits next to me said good morning. I said good morning in return, but the thought that went through my head was something like good morning apart from the usual soul crushing existential dread. Another day, another walk through the shadow of the valley of emotional wreckage. You know how it is. Of course I exaggerate a little, and I also… ya know… edited my thoughts… like you do.

That lead to another thought. A lyric from a Triumph song. “Another day, another dollar, another pretty face. Another chance to lose yourself in this endless race.” That’s from the song Hold On from the album Just a Game. It’s a good record.

I think I am feeling gloomy for a physical reason. Let me tell you all about it.

When I was a high school brat I had a period where I dealt with some pretty bad acne. Not as bad as some of my classmates, but for a little window of time there it was bad. Bad enough that we asked a doctor about it. They put me on some Retin A (or whatever it was called) and it helped a little. Mostly, just getting through puberty is what resolved the issue. Fast forward to yesterday and I felt like something was in my eye. Weird. My right eye kept getting watery and that would blur my vision just a tiny bit. I thought maybe it was the start of a little conjunctivitis. Yippee for me. This morning I discovered the truth. It’s not pink eye or anything like that. It’s a pimple… on my lower eye lid. No, let me rephrase… it’s a great big muther of a zit and it’s on my lower eye lid. What the hell?

A zit on my eye that is big enough to cause my eye to water a little and I can just about almost see it. Again I ask, what the hell?

So if you’re wondering why I am in a weird funky mood today, that is probably it. Chalk it up to teenage acne coming back for another round of fun in my 50’s and punching me right in the freakin’ eye. Stupid zit. Stupid, stupid zit.

Here Comes the Existential Pain

It’s April 30th. The last day of the month. Normally that’s not a big deal, but this month… this month…

April 2021 is the last full month of my forties. There is a day in the month of May… a day that is coming soon… a day that the first digit in my age changes, and that is a bad thing. When it changed from zero to one it was awesome. When it changed from one to two it was also awesome. When it changed from two to three… well that sucked. That sucked bad. When it changed from three to four it was painful but by then the damage was done, and I also had Jen to make me feel better about it.

Four changing to five feels about the same as three to four, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. I’ve got eight days left. Eight days left in my forties, which I didn’t even want in the first place but now that they are ending…

crap.

…….and I just found out my friend’s kid has Covid. The universe is a prick.

Quick Random Thoughts

I don’t know what’s up today, but I am just not feeling all that together. It’s like I’m on the edge of being pissed off all the time, but I’m just too bummed out to put in the effort being mad requires. I don’t know.

I think it’s just one of those days where your democratic society is falling apart and half of the country is applauding the on coming dictatorship as if it’s actually a good thing and there is nothing you can do about it and you can’t even emigrate to someplace where the democratic society isn’t crumbling before your very eyes because if it’s happening here it’s clearly going to happen everywhere and fuck all that.

I played some guitar. It helped a little while I was doing it, but once I was done the feeling of existential dread came right back. We watched the new Pixar movie, Soul, and it was really good but the overall theme is one of existential dread so it kinda just compounded whatever crappy feeling I’m crappily feeling right now. Crap.

It’s 6:37 PM and I still have to do 27 minutes of exercise to hit my activity app goal. I don’t want to do it. I’m feeling too low. Then again, if I don’t do it I’ll feel worse.

Fuck those fucking nazis who are imploding my country. Fuck trump and his cult of toadies.

Fuck.

At least I have a triple batch of Tewksbury Tweets to binge eat while society comes unglued.