Tag: depression

It’s All Down Hill from Here

October 28, 2024… the worst day of the year.

Why?

I had to go out this morning to run a couple of errands. I needed to go to the supermarket to grab something I can cook for dinner tonight. As I was putting on my coat I asked Siri to tell me how the current weather looked. She answered on our bedroom Homepod and said it was snowing.

Bullshit. I looked out the window. Everything was wet, as if we had a little rain not long ago, but there was no snow falling. I felt better about the state of the world in that exact moment, but the seed had been planted. The signs pointed to today being a serious downer.

When I got to the supermarket and got out of my car it happened. I saw the first snowflake of the year. It was followed by a second and a third and maybe a few more, but that was it. In the time it took me to walk from my car to the building it had started and stopped. When I left a few minutes later it had not started again, and it continued to not snow all the way home.

It doesn’t matter though. The first snow flakes have fallen. Winter has truly arrived. It is all down hill from here, folks. It’s all over.

What is Wrong with Me: Follow Up

Following up on the previous post. I looked out the window to make sure the bird feeders survived the night (as you do) and saw a squirrel had made it past the anti-squirrel baffle and was chowing down.

Fuck it. I don’t want to play that anymore either. I give up.

We’re going to see Harry for a few minutes today. If it weren’t for that, I think I would be crashing into a major depression right now.

Fuck it all, I’m going fishing.*

*Not literally. That would take effort and clearly that is beyond me right now.

Can I Please Catch a Break, Please?

Enough already. Uncle!

On top of all of the sources of stress and guilt and shit that are just making me feel terrible all the time, I now have crazy amounts of physical pain to add the proverbial cherry on top of my shit sundae.

Last night, just before I did my last 10 minutes of exercise for the day, I noticed that there was a little bit of pain in my right foot. It was sort of near the instep but also kind of on top. It was hard to place. I did my 10 minutes and everything was fine. A couple of hours later though, it was starting to really hurt. When I took off my shoes before bed it started hurting a ton. Now, the next morning… holy shit does it hurt like a mutha. It hurts like the end of the world.

I’m pretty sure it’s just my usual undiagnosed case of plantar fasciitis rearing it’s ugly asshole head again. I’ve been doing the stretching exercise that is supposed to help. It’s too soon to tell how it’s working though.

Can I please just catch a break? Pretty please? This insult on top of all of the other crap… How am I supposed to deal with it? Yes, I know it could be a lot worse, that doesn’t change the fact that the current situation Sucks.

That Sucked

I called my parents today just to say hello. My mother gave me both barrels, right in the face. Boy is she unhappy about moving into an assisted living place. Boy did she let me have it. My favorite was when she said you’re not going to help me get out of here, are you. Yeah, that was the best. Honorable mention goes to the time she said if she had to live there the rest of her life then the rest of her life is going to be really short. No, I am not going to get you out of the place that will take care of you better than anyone you have ever met before can take care of you.

Yeah, that was fun. It was easy to pay attention to work after that. Sure it was.

First Last Time

I’m getting ready to head over to my parents’ house. This is likely the last time I will go there while my parents are actually there. It won’t be the last time I go there because there is an eternity of work to do still. It’s just that after today my parents won’t be there anymore.

I expect a lot of emotion. Sadness, nostalgia, all of that. I expect tears. Probably not from me though. My tiny little brain has associated that house with all of the failures and mistakes I made during the first 36 years of my life. Specifically from the day I dropped out of college in 1990 to the day I moved back after getting out for a year in, I think, 1996, to the point where I was a college graduate working a full time job and still living with my parents in 2008.

It’s going to be hard for me not to jump up and down and celebrate while the rest of my family is sad and teary.

Here Comes the Existential Pain

It’s April 30th. The last day of the month. Normally that’s not a big deal, but this month… this month…

April 2021 is the last full month of my forties. There is a day in the month of May… a day that is coming soon… a day that the first digit in my age changes, and that is a bad thing. When it changed from zero to one it was awesome. When it changed from one to two it was also awesome. When it changed from two to three… well that sucked. That sucked bad. When it changed from three to four it was painful but by then the damage was done, and I also had Jen to make me feel better about it.

Four changing to five feels about the same as three to four, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. I’ve got eight days left. Eight days left in my forties, which I didn’t even want in the first place but now that they are ending…

crap.

…….and I just found out my friend’s kid has Covid. The universe is a prick.