Given that our civilization is dishonoring the sacrifices made by the millions of people who died fighting fascism in the 1930’s and 40’s by smiling pretty as fascism makes a comeback, it seems pretty stupid to talk about hockey. I’m really pissed off though, so I need something to vent on that isn’t going to get me lined up in front of a firing squad when our new fascist overlord, the donald, is elected in November. So hockey it is.

The 2016 playoffs had 15 series. I picked 10 correctly, and got five wrong. That’s a 2/3, or 67% success rate. I picked the Sharks over the Penguins in the finals and picked wrong. Damn it, Sharks. You always end up screwing me over. I hate the Penguins, and now we have to sit through a whole year of Doc Emmerick and Pierre MacGuire talking about how Crosby and co are the reigning champs. Yippee skippee. I hate the effin’ Penguins.

So what’s next? The draft is tonight. That sounds fun, right? It should at least. Does it still sound fun when you find out that Don Sweeney is still in negotiations with Loui Freakin’ Eriksson? Do you feel optimistic about the future when you hear that our Harvard educated, NHL veteran, General Manager is trying to keep J.D. Friggin’ Drew in the fold for another six years at 20 billion dollars?

Over the next two days we will have seven picks:
Round 1:
14
29 (traded from San Jose)
Round 2:
49 (traded from the Islanders)
Round 5:
135
136 (traded from Minnesota)
Round 6:
165
Round 7:
195

It is safe to say that our rocket scientist GM, who thinks we have a good team in place despite missing the playoffs two years in a row (in spectacular choking fashion), will spend these draft picks on players who will have excellent but short careers as minor leaguers who barely if ever even get a sniff at the NHL.

The excitement is so thick you can cut it with a knife!

Three years in a row out of the playoffs, with a bullet!

Prediction wise, it’s back to reality. In the first round I picked the winning team in six of eight series. In the second round… two of four. That’s eight out of 12 total and if you do the math I’m at 67%, babie! Two outa three! Not great, but still pretty good.

I was wrong in the Penguins/Capitals series. I picked the Capitals and once again THEY SUCK LIKE YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT! Damn, you suck, Washington! YOU SUCK. I was also wrong on the Stars/Blues series because the Stars are just assholes. You take Tyler Segiun from us and then you do this? Jerks.

I got the Lightning/Islanders right. Thank you, New York, for losing and doing right by Boston. I was also right about San Jose/Nashville. At least I think I was right because last night was game seven and Nashville didn’t show up at all. Does that mean they’ll have to play it again? Like, the Predators just weren’t in the building at all, so does the game actually count or was that just an internationally televised Sharks practice?

On to the Conference Finals…

The Penguins vs the Lightning. This makes me very sad. Why? Because I loathe the effin’ Penguins and they are going to win. Urgh, talk about crap bag. I hate you, Penguins. I hate you so very much.

In the West it’s The Sharks vs The Blues. Television wise, this is going to lose out to reruns on Home Shopping Network. Could there be a worse match up ratings wise? I guess maybe Florida vs Nashville would be worse, but this is seriously bad. As far as the series is concerned, GO SHARKS, BABIE! When I made my first round picks I said they were winning it all. When I made the second round picks I backed off a little and said they’d win the West but maybe not the Cup. Now? CUP TRAIN! CHOOO CHOOO! Joe Thornton, this is your year! And I am aware that with each excited sentence I write I jinx the Sharks a little more. I’m picking them, so they are losing… but GO SHARKS!

So we’re rooting for a Sharks/Penguins final. Let’s go, and as always remember that if you bet based on my picks you will end up ruined, living on the street, giving hand jobs for cash. You have been warned.

GO SHARKS!

My first round predictions kicked ass. Let’s get right out and say it. I got six out of eight and at one point I was six out of six. I picked the Islanders, they won. I picked the Lightning, they won. I picked the Capitals and they won. I piked the Penguins and they won. That’s right. I got the whole Eastern Conference right. Out West, I got the Sharks and the Stars right, but the Blackhawks and the Ducks screwed me. Jerks.

I know the second round has already started, but three of the four series are tied at the moment so my pick won’t be biased based on the current situation. The one round that isn’t tied… well, I mentioned in my first round picks post that the team who is now ahead was my pick to win the West… so there you go.

Let’s not forget that with the Bruins not making the playoffs for the second straight season, I really don’t give a shit about any of this. I’m just doing these posts because I always do them. They just aren’t fun without the Bruins.

Having said that, here’s the East:

The Islanders and the Lightning. I hate them both. I’m going to pick the Lightning because they aren’t from New York.

The Capitals and the Penguins. The Marquis Matchup. Crosby vs Ovetchkin. It’s always been Crosby before. This time it’s Ovetchkin. I am picking the Caps.

On to the West:

The Stars and the Blues. I’m going with the Stars. Mostly so Tyler Seguin can rub shit on the Bruins nose. Which begs the question, is Seguin still hurt? I don’t know. I don’t care.

The Predators and the Sharks. The Sharks are up two games to none. They screw me over every time I pick them, and I once swore I will never pick them again. This year, I’m so full of hockey hate (thanks, Bruins) that I am picking them to win it all. Well, at least to win the West. Not sure they can beat the Caps. Whatever, I am picking Jumbo Joe Thornton and the Sharks.

So the Conference Finals will be Tampa Bay vs Washington, and Dallas vs San Jose.

You heard it here first.
And if you bet based on my picks YOU WILL LOSE! You have been warned.