I sat down to eat lunch a few minutes ago and read this article from NPR.  It is about how people who were obese but lost tons of weight still have to deal with the stigma of being fat.  Mostly the article talks about it in terms of dating, but there are other things like stretch marks and loose skin.  I could care less about the dating issues, but all of the other problems the article discusses made me think one thing…

Gee, I sure wish I had those problems.

I mean, if you’re going to have problems, dealing with the downside of losing a ton of weight would be preferable to dealing with an extra ton of weight.  Know what I mean?

I’m tired of thinking about food.  I don’t want to have to do it anymore.  Sure I prefer the way things are now to the old pre-human hunter gathering days when statistically speaking any meal you ate was probably your last.  I don’t think about food in that way, and I’m very happy to be living a life free of the threat of starvation.  Really, I am.

It’s just that I am thinking about food all the time now.  Can I eat that?  What should I have to eat that won’t mess things up for me.  Did I eat too much?  Did I eat too little?  Will that make me feel sick because it’s good for me and my body doesn’t know how to handle things that are good for me?  How much of food that is good for me can I have before it stops being good for me?

I was really good for most of last week.  Thursday night we ate out and I seriously over did it.  Then on Saturday we had Jen’s mother and step father over and she made a fantastic meal and I grossly over did it.  Yesterday I was good all day.  Even at dinner I kept it under control.  Then I got hungry after dinner.  I stuck to weight watchers simply filling approved food, but without even realizing it I ate way too much again.  Before bed I made my lunch for today (which I am nibbling on as we speak) and I realized that I ate nearly a week’s worth of grapes yesterday.  What the hell, Rob?

I want all of this to become second nature.  I want my body to tell me when it doesn’t need more food.  I don’t want to think about what is right or wrong to eat.  I just want it to become a habit so that I never even consider going off track.

I know though, that even if I do lose 200 pounds like the guy in that article it is never going to be second nature.  I am never going to not think about it.  I am never going to not drool all over the place when walking past the chips isle in the grocery store.

I know it, and that makes me sad.