Tag: scared

Lunch Break

I’ve been eating too much at lunch. I’ve been eating too much at dinner. I’ve been eating too much after dinner. The rest of the day is generally aces.

We’re six days away from the surgery. Gastric Bypass. It sounds like road construction and to a degree it is. I’ve probably said this a few times before, but as scared as I am of having my guts chopped up I am more afraid of what comes after. This isn’t just a cosmetic surgery thing where you loose tons of weight and then carry on with your life. The surgery itself is just one small part of the process. You need to follow it up by completely changing everything. That’s what’s stressing me out today. Well… that’s part of it.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. It’s the first of a series of classes where they will teach me what to do when I get home. I have to relearn how to eat and drink. I have to relearn how to prepare food. I have to relearn how to react when my guts talk to me. Miss a hint from your insides and end up praying to the porcelain god for an hour. that sort of thing. The first class covers living through the first couple of weeks. The second class is the second couple of weeks, and so on and so forth.

I’m doing my best to stay optimistic about the whole thing, but it’s getting hard to focus on the positive. It’s getting hard to focus on anything. I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes. Until then…

Back to work.

Need More Help

Remember a few days ago when I said my mother could use a little positive energy and I asked you to send any get well vibes you could spare in her direction?

I need to ask again.

I don’t have any details yet. My gut, which has no medical training beyond knowing how to apply a band-aid, tells me that it might be something with medications interacting in a weird way. Here’s hoping.

Do what you can, oh internet/universe. I appreciate the help.

Ramping Up the Irrational Fear

My first Psych appointment is one hour and 39 minutes from now. Let’s bring on the irrational fear, shall we? I am super nervous but I cannot say what I am nervous about. What the hell are we going to talk about? Is there something wrong with my brain that will stop me from having the surgery? Is there something wrong with my brain that if I do go through with the surgery will stop me from being able to handle the post-surgery routine?

Am I just crazy?

One hour and 36 minutes until we find out.

Zoom Number One Complete

My initial consultation is complete and I didn’t spontaneously combust or have a sudden stroke or anything like that. I survived the Zoom call. Sigh of relief, babie.

Three to six months of pre-surgery prep work including 10,000 separate appointments. Then 3-4 weeks out of work afterwards. If we follow that schedule (in other words, if I don’t fuck anything up) then I should be okay for the planned Disney trip in January.

Wait, did I ever mention the planned January Disney trip? It’s mostly hypothetical at this point, thanks to the pandemic, but it has been one of my main concerns about all of this. Yeah there is the physical concerns about having my innards rewired, and there are the concerns about all of the things I will have to change in order to not mess up my rewired stomach (no more caffeine, no more carbonation), but I really didn’t want to mess up the Disney plans after we’ve already had to punt on them a couple of times, thanks Covid.

My medical chart is being put together now. Once that’s set I’ll hear from the clinic to start scheduling the 100,000 next appointments.

I’m not freaking out. I am not freaking out. I am still scared shitless, but I do feel all right over all.

Let’s do this.

A Little Over an Hour to Go

My Zoom meeting with the weight loss surgery folks starts at 10:00. It’s 8:47. Yeah, I am starting to feel nervous. I have some chores to do to distract myself so hopefully it won’t get too bad.

I did what all nerdy programmer/analysts do when confronted with a problem. I started collecting data and putting it onto a spreadsheet. I know how much I weighed when I went to the clinic for the check in two weeks ago. I weighed myself again today. I’m down two pounds, which is nice. Two down and 600 or so to go. So maybe it’s not so nice. I don’t know, I am trying to keep my brain from spiraling out into horror movie fantasy land. It’s not easy for a guy like me to do that. It’s not unusual for my imagination to start driving the bus, if you know what I mean. Also, I have seen a lot of horror movies. The one movie that sparked my love of scary movies involved a surgeon. Let’s just leave it at that.

70 minutes to go. I think I’ll take out the trash and make the bed and see if I can upgrade the camera on the Mac.

69 minutes to go……