Tag: rodents

Two Firsts

Isn’t it a lovely morning? Doesn’t the sky look a little brighter? Doesn’t the air feel a little fresher? Doesn’t the grass look a little greener? If I didn’t know better I would say the Red Sox eliminated the Yankees from the post season or something. If I didn’t know better, of course.

Two weird things happened to me just now.

Tuesday is trash pick up day in our neighborhood. Today is Wednesday. I should have taken the barrels in from the street yesterday, but I didn’t so I took them in this morning. We had a shit load of trash go out this week so there were four barrels. Two of them have their covers attached and two of them don’t. The attached guys are much bigger than the others so I figured I would grab those two first and walk them back to the side of the house where we store them.

One of the lids was closed. The other was open. When I went to flip it closed I noticed we had a stow away. There was a chipmunk in the barrel. The barrel was otherwise empty, but he was just hanging out. I figured I’d be nice and not give the little bastard a heart attack by carrying him away and I tipped the barrel onto it’s side. Run away, Chip or Dale, be free! He didn’t run away. He just sat there. What the hell, rodent? Get out of my damn barrel. I then started to tip the barrel upside down and that did it. He dashed out at full speed. So long, friend. I hope you don’t get hit by a car or anything.

So the two big barrels are now properly stowed away and I went back to the street to get the smaller barrels. I put the cover onto one and was reaching down to the ground (given my girth, that must be pretty funny to watch) to pick up the second cover and right where my hand was about to grab I see fur. It was a mouse. A little grey looking mouse, snuggled against the cover. He probably saw me coming and tried to hide under it, but I bumped it a little and he was exposed. Poor little guy. He was clearly scared shitless and didn’t know what to do. He started to go for the cover again, but I kicked it out of the way. The last thing I want is to actually reach down to get the cover and have mickey freak out and bite me and give me rabbis that turn me into some kind of Cujo. You know how it is, I’m sure. Mighty mouse, in his fear started burrowing. I reached down for the cover and startled him again so he ran a little ways away and started burrowing again.

Two trash barrel related rodent incidents within seconds of each other. I have never had either of those things happen to me before. What is going on with the universe? Is this the start of some weird, lame, doomed to fail, rodent uprising? Were they just Yankees fans who tried to drink their misery away and were too hung over this morning to run away when the gigantic human came stomping around?

We may never know the truth. At least there weren’t any squirrels. I’ve seen Rick and Morty. I know better than to mess with squirrels*.

*From Morty’s Mind Blowers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpZZQ2ov4lc

Saturday Morning

I slept in my own bed last night. Actually, I slept in A bed last night. My wife was with me. My step son was down the hall in his room, my cat was crawling all over us and purring like a purr machine.

We watched The Suicide Squad last night. It was awesome but too gory for Jen and she had to bail. Sorry sweetie. We then watched the episode of Parks and Rec where Letters to Cleo played the Unity Concert and Kay Hanley winked at whatshisname and Jen and Harry thought it was funny because me and Larry and Mike would have KILLED for a sliver of attention like that back in the 90’s. I bet Mike still has that water bottle that he took from the stage after a show at… The Paradise? Was it a solo show at The Lizard Lounge? I forget. I just remember that show at Merrimack College when she eviscerated the schmuck who was trying to slam dance (pick your spots, moron) and she stopped the show to tear him a new one and the three of us all simultaneously concluded that she is in fact the greatest front person in all of rock and roll past, present, and future.

Today I cleaned up the trash off the yard after the rodents knocked over the barrels again. Harry was nice enough to do it yesterday and all his hard work was ruined by a family of plague and rabbis infested squirrel pricks. Then I vacuumed up Lake Asshole in the cellar which has been forming for much longer than I ever let it form before, and it’s still smaller than it was regularly getting… so that’s good? I guess?

And while doing all of these chores I was just so friggin’ happy that I was doing them at my house for my family and not doing them at my parents house.

It is so good to be home.

Damn You, Rodents!

I’m covering a day shift at my mother’s house today as I slowly get back into the swing of that thing. Today is trash day, so I put the barrels out on the street last night so that I wouldn’t have to worry about them this morning.

The squirrels get into my trash barrels all the time, but they have never staged an attack while they were on the street. Until today that is.

The damage wasn’t bad, but one barrel was open and there was a small amount of trash scattered across the front yard. When I went outside to fix things I found two squirrels, three chipmunks and a handful of various birds checking out the wreckage.

Oh good, now the squirrels are cluing the rest of the wild kingdom into the buffet that is the crap we throw away. It’s like some perverse Disney cartoon.

Damn you, rodents. Fuck you, squirrels. We have foxes, bobcats, hawks, owls, and on one occasion a coyote living in the woods behind our house. None of those super predators eat squirrels? Come on, assholes. Control our rodent infestation!

Bunnies Do Not Lay Eggs

I was just informed that due to Easter many people seem to believe that bunnies actually lay eggs. Allow me to take this opportunity to inform the universe that bunnies are mammals and therefore they do not, in fact, lay eggs. There is definitive proof of this so don’t go telling me I need to do more research or whatever the fuck the flat earth morons say when they are shown proof and don’t want to accept it.

Bunnies do not lay eggs.

QED.

Suck it Rodent

I took the trash out. When I got outside one of the empty garbage barrels was knocked over. There were two squirrels hiding behind it. One saw me coming and ran for the woods. The other didn’t see me. I was able to walk right up to the barrel and kick it. The barrel, not the squirrel. I kicked the barrel into the squirrel and damn if that wasn’t a satisfying experience.

Effin rodent wants to scatter my trash all over the yard? Effin rodent wants to eat all of the bird seed? Screw you, squirrel! The barrel rolled right over the prick. Damn that felt good.