I was in downtown Methuen today. I was going to the music store right by the clock, but as I passed by the used record store I heard Procol Harem playing inside. That settled it. After the guitar shop, I was going record shopping.

I don’t know what the deal is with this place, but at a glance it seems to be the definition of a dying industry. Times look seriously hard. The shop itself is tiny tiny tiny, but that’s okay. When I walked inside, the lights were off. The guy working turned them on so I could browse the vinyl. They didn’t have any Rush that I don’t already have. They didn’t have Dark Side of the Moon. They did have an old copy of Full House by Fairport Convention (Richard Thompson, yes. Sandy Denny, no) so I picked it up.

I’ve only been inside of this place once before but I knew from experience that it’s a cash only business. How they survive in 2014 without taking credit I will never know. The record was $10 (probably $7 too much, but it’s the season of giving and generosity, right?) and I paid with a $20. He gave me change out of his wallet. Yup. He asked if I wanted a bag. I did. He put my new record into a Market Basket plastic bag.

Something tells me that times are tough for this particular small business.

Originally published at robj2112.wordpress.com on December 6, 2014.

I bought my first digital camera in July of 2005. I had just received my first raise from my first job post-college gradutation (I’m still there) and I wanted to treat myself to something.

It was a Kodak Z740 Zoom. I ended up taking it everywhere I went. Purchasing that camera marks the start of my pic snapping hobby/obsession.

I believe it was Memorial Day weekend in 2006 when I was sitting at home bored and decided to bring my camera into Boston and just walk around. I’d never heard the term “photo walk” before, but that’s pretty much what I was planning on doing. That was when I took what is still to this day my absolute favorite picture (that doesn’t include my wife and my step kids, obviously).

Just over four years later my wife, step kids, and I went into town for a duck tour. Despite living my whole life only 20–30 miles out of town I had never done a duck tour before. After it was over we wandered around the city and ended up on Clarendon Street in front of the Hancock. I tried to reproduce that first picture using a Nikon D90. It just wasn’t the same.

Every so often I get the itch to go back to the city and take another shot at topping the original. Who knows. Maybe next summer I’ll try again.

Three years ago I started a band. It was Mike on bass, Kevin on drums, Steve on guitar, Dave on vocals, and me. We started playing in my basement in November 2011 (I think). By February Steve and I were both gone. At some point after that Dave was gone too. Mike and Kevin kept it together with a new guitar player and a new singer. They got a few gigs and were having a good time until last Spring (I think) when their guitar player left. Mike, who has been one of my best friends since elementary school, asked if I wanted to come back. I said no. Then I said maybe. Then I said okay. That was in October.

At one of the first practices I asked if they had any thoughts on playing original music. This is where I have to throw in some back story…

Ever since high school I have really gotten a thrill out of writing songs. I don’t do it particularly well, but it is a serious blast when a song that didn’t exist yesterday suddenly exists today. Through the 90’s I refused to play cover songs. Mike and I had a couple of bands, one of which was actually pretty good, but no covers. Better to play bad originals than great covers. The last band we had together split in 2000 and I was pretty much done. It was three years later when I was asked to try out for a cover band. I broke my no-covers vow and tried out and got the job. That band did end up doing a few originals written by various combinations of four of the five band members. When that bad split in 2005 I was done again. I gave it a go in 2011 as mentioned previously, but I just didn’t seem to have it in me anymore. I’m better now in terms of desire, but my confidence is shot. I’m pretty much afraid to say anything at all and I feel like an asshole every time I open my gob.

During the years that I was out of the band thing I still wrote songs. Every February since 2007 I’ve done the RPM Challenge or FAWM. I’ve done a few other internet based writing/recording challenges as well. In 2012 and 2013 I tried to keep writing and recording throughout the year without the internet support. I managed to get some things out of me, and finished a bunch of songs that had been lying around unfinished for years. I was pretty pleased with myself. This year turned out different though.

I did RPM/FAWM in February as usual, but when February ended I just started over. There was an album worth of Music started in March, another in April, those two were both finished off in May. Then there was another album in June. I spent July, August, and September cranking out songs at a previously unheard of rate while working on the 50/90 challenge. In October I slowed down a bit and wrote and recorded only about half an album before getting back on track in November and finishing off the National Solo Album Month challenge. In 2014 I have written and demoed 107 new songs. That’s unreal.

So back to the story at hand, I asked the rest of the band if they would like to do some originals and told them that I had a lot of brand spanking new stuff, along with a nice pile of other stuff that’s been collecting since 2007. They were into the idea and asked me to pick a song to start with. I felt really good leaving rehearsal that night. I felt almost confident.

Then I got home and started looking at the mountain of songs that no one I know had ever listened to and… the bubble burst. I just reverted to my usual confidence-free blathering idiot and I couldn’t bring myself to even think of what song to send them, never mind actually sending them anything.

Tonight I just couldn’t take my stupidity anymore and I sent the rest of the guys four songs. One from 2007, one from 2009, one from February and one from July.

Now I sit here writing this. It’s after 11:30pm and I don’t expect any replies any time tonight. It’s late, right? It doesn’t matter. The crushing silence is devastating. I know my stuff sucks. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have just let them dictate what songs we should cover and just been a good little soldier. Why did I have to open myself up to rejection. I’m too old for this shit. I have blown them all away with my stunning mediocrity.

They are probably going to fire me now.

Shit.

The company I work for has traditionally thrown a company wide Christmas party on Christmas eve. We would work a half day and then the few thousand of us all pile into one building and listen to a live band while eating catered food and trying to not step on each other.

This year, for the first time in forever, we’re not playing that game. Instead we are getting Christmas eve off. As nice as the company party was, I prefer it this way. We host a party at home on Christmas eve, so this will give me more time at home to get ready for it.

The result of the cancellation of the company wide party is an increase in smaller work group parties. We’ve always been a part of a yankee swap. A few years ago our large group was split into two smaller groups, but we still all get together for the yankee theft. That’s still going to happen this year. There is also a lunch get together for all of the groups under my direct manager. We started that two years ago and it’s one of those interesting things where a big group of programmers try to be social. Just get us talking about Star Wars or Back to the Future and we’re fine.

This year though there is an added wrinkle. A third Christmas party has been added. This one includes everyone under two different directors. Over 150 people. That’s a lot of people getting stuffed into a conference room. Craziness!

But here is the real catch. This large group Christmas lunch gathering actually conflicts with the yankee swap lunch gathering. I don’t know what to think? I have never been this popular in my entire life! Two parties happening at the same time that actually invited me! It’s like, woah! Or maybe more like Woah Ho Ho! (see what I did there? how’s that for a disgustingly bad holiday pun?)

Originally published at robj2112.wordpress.com on December 5, 2014.