Pluto got a raw deal!

Last week the friggin’ International Astronomers Union (or whatever the hell the assholes call themselves) proposed the first definition of “Planet.” It was going to be completely awesome. We were going to have three new planets. How cool is that?

The nearest new planet would be Ceres which is located in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter. This guy was discovered just after 1800 (1801 I think) and was originally included in the list of planets before it was demoted to an asteroid about 50 years later.

Next would be Charon, Pluto’s largest moon. This was going to be super cool. Part of the proposed definition said that a satellite could be considered a planet if the center of gravity (there is a technical term for this that I forget) between the two bodies was located in the space between them. Such is the case with Pluto and Charon. We were going to have a Binary Planetary System. That is Awesome!

Third new planet has yet to receive an official name, but it is cataloged under the name 2003 UB313. This is the largest known Kuiper Belt object. The Kuiper Belt is another asteroid belt located outside of the orbit of Neptune. Pluto and Charon are also Kuiper Belt objects.

For my whole life I’ve been living in a solar system that was shackled to the nine planet limit. Now finally we were going to break free. We were going to tear down that wall, Mr Gorbachev! The Thrill of it. I wanted to be the first red head to set foot on the planet Ceres. I wanted to aim the Hubble at the Kuiper Belt and take the first pictures of Planet 2003 UB313. I wanted to go into my back yard at night and start searching the sky, not for comets or asteroids or boring shit like that, but for new planets. A new age of discovery had begun!

But then… one week later…

The unthinkable! The rug was pulled right out from under us!

Charon? Screw her; she’s just an overweight moon.

2003 UB313? Just a far away snowball.

Ceres? Insulted again! It’s a planet, then it’s not a planet, then it’s a planet again, then it’s not a planet again.

And if that doesn’t suck badly enough…

Pluto? Sorry Charlie, you don’t rate anymore. You’ve been a planet for 76 years, but not anymore.

Those cock sucking astronomers took my freakin’ planet away from me!

Pluto has been demoted! The approved definition of “Planet” states that to be called a planet an object must have cleared out it’s orbital path. Pluto doesn’t have a circular orbit like the other classical planets do. At certain points it is actually closer to the sun than Neptune. So because of that Pluto fails to meet the definition of “Planet.”

BASTARDS!

From now on I will refer to Astronomers as “ASStronomers” because they totally suck ass.

I WANT MY FUCKING PLANET BACK!

Then they tried to make it all better by coming up with a new classification.  Something that’s higher on the planetary food chain than asteroid that they can use to make those of us who are pissed off feel better.

Dwarf Planet.

Now I can’t be the first red head to set foot on Planet Ceres, I have to settle for being the first red head to set foot on Dwarf Planet Ceres.

Planet Pluto?  No sir, not anymore.  How’s Dwarf Planet Pluto suit you?  It doesn’t suit me, it pisses me off!  Why not just call it “the little dwarf that could?”  Dwarfs are people too you god damn heartless ASStronomers, and Dwarf Planets are Planets too!  Way to kick Pluto when she’s down?  Why not just punch Pluto’s mother in the tits while you’re at it?

You can’t take it away from us. It’ll always be there, pissing on your astronomical parades.

Pluto Lovers of the World Unite and Stand Against the ASStronomical Oppression!

GIVE US OUR PLANET BACK!