Tag: terminate with extreme prejudice

Scary Demon Monster

I saw something scary in the cellar this morning. A demon from hell that is the scariest monster in the known universe.

I saw…

I can’t even type it, it’s so terrible…

I saw a house centipede.

Pause to give everyone some time to scream in abject terror for their very existence.

It was on the floor next to my pedal board in my music nook. I am pretty sure it was dead. It didn’t move as I approached it and if you know anything about house centipedes you know that they are the fastest muthas in the west. They don’t just let you walk up to them. When they see you coming, they bolt. This guy just sat there and even let my foot hover above him for a couple of seconds. Yeah, it was already dead.

If it wasn’t dead at that point though, it was certainly dead after I stepped on it. Squish, babie. One less demonic asshole in the world. Normally I would feel bad about squishing a little living thing, but these guys are so evil looking (and they scare the shit out of my wife) that I have sentenced all who enter my domain to death. Sorry, nature. I know they are actually good to have around because they eat all of the other bugs, but sometimes you cannot let evil like this exist, ya know?

Change of subject.

I am a dope. I also can’t tell time and I have a memory like a sieve. My wife is going to the office today. She told me she was leaving at 7:45. I made a note. I would make sure I got through my whole morning routine before then so that I could properly say goodbye to her.

I got up early and dashed down cellar to do my morning exercise. Success. I came upstairs and did a couple of things and then at the appropriate time I walked up to her office, where she was sitting at her desk, and was about to say that I was ready to wish her a good day whenever she was ready to go… and that was when I realized she said 7:45, not 6:45, and the current time was actually 6:45.

I am an idiot.

Well, at least I am ready to say goodbye when she is ready to go. I’ve got that going for me, right?

RIP Mouse… Jerk

Well that was fun.

I logged into a video conference call at 10:00am. At 10:02am a mouse tried to climb the floor lamp next to my desk. It almost got to the top before falling off. It was equal parts startling and freakin’ adorable.

A mouse. I mean, it is that time of year, right? The weather is getting colder and the critters are looking for warmth. I get it. It’s not surprising.

This mouse was either an arrogant asshole, or supremely stupid. Why? Because when I first saw it I made some noise and moved around. I was on video in a meeting so I couldn’t get up and chase it. I made my very large presence known and that should have scared it off, right? Nope. The little shit hung around. It tried going up the light a few times, and it was running in and out of the pile of stuff in the corner next to the desk, and it came strolling out from under my desk a couple of times. It didn’t get the hint.

When my string of three consecutive video meetings ended I got up and kicked some stuff and made a lot of noise. I had a minute or two where I thought I was in the clear. Then I heard it behind me. It was standing next to my amplifier. Yeah, my Fender ’65 Deluxe Reverb Reissue that costs over a grand. It was curled up next to the power cable. Oh no, you little shit. I got up and it ran. It went under my desk and hid behind my little foot rest. I kicked it… hard. It dashed to the other side of the room. I went after it. Eventually I lost it in the closet. I hoped that would be the end, but somehow knew it would be dumb enough to come back.

I logged onto Lowes’ website and started shopping for mouse traps. I was thinking of capture traps because I don’t want open traps that Patches the Wonder Cat could accidently trip and mangle herself on. That’s when I heard it again. It was next to the amplifier again. I got up, walked over, and kicked it. It smooshed between my foot and the wall.

The end.

Fucking mouse.