Tag: temper

Late Lunch

I had a late start to my lunch break today. Hopefully that will make the second half of the day feel a little quicker. I often play mind games with the clock like that. Does it make a difference? Probably not.

I am feeling really stressed out today. I am trying so hard to keep a level head, but I feel like a temper tantrum is coming at any moment. I’m suddenly feeling really tired. Probably because I just ate a nice PB&J lunch and I’m full and my brain thinks some shut eye is a good idea. Instead I am taking diet pepsi through an IV directly into my heart. The caffeine is helping, but I fear it won’t be enough.

I have actually been able to get some good work done today, but my mother is having a rough day today and everything is getting under my skin. She’s not complaining about pain at all. She did for a while, but mostly today it’s just been memory. She asked me where her husband was. I said he’s in the bed in the next room. She said no he wasn’t. She said she wanted to go home. I told her she was home and that this has been her home for more than 50 years. She said it used to be her home but not anymore and she wanted to go home to her parents house. I had to tell her that her parents weren’t in their old house anymore. Because they are both dead, she said. Yes. She said her mother died recently. I told her it’s been 23 years.

It’s so stressful, and feeling like I’m leaning against the tipping point isn’t making it any easier to deal with. I really need to go home and see my family. I haven’t seen my wife in almost 48 hours. I haven’t seen my step son in 24 hours. I haven’t talked to my step daughter in over a week. I’m just feeling crushed right now and they are the only thing that can straighten me out. I love my parents and clearly I’ll do anything for them, but for fucks sake I have a family of my own and I miss them so much.

Ugh… I don’t even remember what I was going to talk about. Give me a second, I have something in my eyes. No, I’m not crying, you’re crying. Wimp.

Okay, I have to get back to work. Talk to ya’ll later.

Temper Fail

I was just reading posts from one year ago today, like you do. Just trying to see how the beginning of the covid clusterfuck was comparing to the current covid clusterfuck. There was a post where I was talking about how everything was different but how it hadn’t sunk in yet. Mostly I was talking about work, but I also got personal a bit. I challenged myself to do something and reading it today I realized that I have failed in that personal challenge many times. This is what I wrote:

I can’t lose my temper… ever.  The stress level world wide right now is insanely high and am nervous that my temper’s fuse is now really short.  I cannot cannot cannot lose it.  I have to pay close attention not only to what I say to people, but how I say it.  I can’t snap.  I can’t sound pissy.  I can’t be anything other than cool and supportive. 

Okay… well… I think I’ve lived up to that more often than not, but there have been many times… many times where I have let something get under my skin that under normal world circumstances wouldn’t have bothered me at all and I’ve turned into a snapping prick and just lost my cool completely.

So allow me to take a moment to apologize to any and all people who have seen me lose my temper. I should have been a better person than I was and I am sorry.

Maybe as things start getting back to a more 2019 flavor of normal I might be able to be less of a dick when things get stressy. Here’s hoping.