A further blathering about personal inadequecies

There are two issues.  One is personal and not important in the grand scheme of things, the other couldn’t be more important and is completely beyond my ability to control or even infulence, but I feel I owe it to the folks involved to do something, even if that something amounts to nothing.

I have a friend who is the father of a very sick little boy.  I got all of my information third hand, but from what I’ve heard the illness is terminal, and his time left is measured in days.  I want to let my friend and his wife know that I’m thinking of them and that if there’s anything I can do for them I’ll do it, but I am completely terrified to call them.  Every day I pick up the phone, panic, and put the phone back down.  I feel useless and horrified at the same time and I don’t like it at all… but I haven’t been able to wind myself up enough to do something about it.  These people are important and, even though I can’t change anything that’s happening, I feel like I’m letting them down.

The other issue is just plain trivial in comparison, but it does underscore my ability to procrastinate to the point of failure.  I’ve been asked to audition for a band.  I haven’t played in a band since February 15, 2005 when Break Even broke up.  Actually, three of us got together for an afternoon back in December and jammed around (poorly) for a couple of hours, just for fun… but otherwise, nothing.  I love to play, but the older I get the harder it is to gear myself up for it.  I don’t force myself to practice anymore so when I go a month or so without anything to focus on I just lapse.  I’d like to at least try out for this band.  They’re really different than anything I’ve ever been involved in before and I like the idea of the challenge… but once I let them know that I was interested I just left them hanging.  It’s been weeks now and I just can’t bring myself to write/call them and set up a meeting.  Why?  It’s not that I’m a bad guitar player… I am a bad guitar player but I’ve never let that stop me before.  Why?  What is it about me that causes me to act like this?  Is there some part of my make-up that causes me to crave being in a rut?

I have no idea, but hopefully I’ll figure it out… but not tonight.